Cyber Tracker (1994)

Lame, 12 February 2017

In the future, there's a new kind of cyborg police officer capable of catching the guilty and dealing out punishment. Senator Dilly is the main proponent behind the Cyber Trackers, but not everyone is on board. When security agent Eric (I don't know his last name) helps stop a plot to assassinate the Senator, he quickly regrets his actions when he learns what the Senator is actually up to. Eric is framed for a crime and finds himself the target of the Cyborg justice system. He joins forces with the same group of vigilantes he had previously fought to put a stop to the government corruption and overreach.

I don't know if any of that plot summary makes sense because the movie doesn't make sense. The plot is utterly ridiculous. There's no real motivation for anyone and characters just come and go. I didn't care about anything that was happening. The whole thing is obviously a cheap Terminator rip-off without anything that made that movie so good. Weak plot, poor acting, cheap special effects, badly choreographed fight scenes, and a general lack of talent from top to bottom. Apparently, the producers were under the mistaken assumption that you could make a compelling movie based on Don "The Dragon" Wilson's roundhouse kick. As Cyber Tracker proves, you can't.

2/10

The Final Sacrifice (1990)

"I'm Rowsdower... Zap Rowsdower.", 17 September 2009

While rummaging through his father's old stuff, a boy named Troy discovers a map that leads to an ancient civilization. Troy thinks the map may also lead to answers to his father's death. But there are other, darker forces at work. A cult bent on world domination wants to get hold of the map. With the help of a former cult member named Rowsdower, Troy hopes to get to the bottom of the mystery before he ends up like his father.

While I usually pride myself in being able to separate the two, in the case of The Final Sacrifice, it's really difficult to imagine watching the movie without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary. The movie seems to have been tailor made for that type of ridicule and mockery. From Mike Pipper's Yosemite Sam-like voice to the over-weight Canadian guys in black hoods and tank top running through the woods to the nonsensical plot to the cardboard Ziox civilization – it's like shooting fish in a barrel – the riffs just can't miss. I've probably seen The Final Sacrifice a half-dozen or more times and I'm always astounded at the ineptitude of it all. Some things are so bizarre, however, that it leaves me scratching my head in wonderment:

• Zap Rowsdower? Really? You've got to be joking. The name, the actor, the character motivation – none of it makes the least bit of sense.

• Troy McGreggor? Again, you've got to be joking? I sincerely doubt you could find a punier or bonier looking guy to play the role. And that incessant whining of the name "Rowsdower". It makes me want to slap the guy every time he opens his mouth.

• Plot coincidences. Can you write a plot with more unrealistic and unfathomable plot coincidences? Take the bad guys timing in coming after Troy. The map has been sitting undiscovered in Troy's attic for seven years. That's right – SEVEN years. But the moment Troy discovers the map, the bad guys immediately show up on his doorstep. Yeah, right. Or take Troy's chance meeting of Rowsdower. Of all the trashy, redneck pick-up trucks in Canada, what are the chances Troy would pick one to climb in that just happens to be owned by a former member of the cult that's chasing him? Not very likely.

• Is Canada really that desolate of a place? Troy's aunt's house appears to be in a neighborhood of some sort. Is there no one around to notice that something's amiss when hooded goons take a chainsaw to her front door? Does no one notice a band of thugs chasing Troy on his bike? And why doesn't someone notice the shootout Rowsdower and the cult members have on the highway? Is this kind of activity normal in Canada?

This is too easy and I've barely scratched the surface. I haven't mentioned the lousy technical aspects of the film, the amateurish acting, the poor special effects, or the ridiculous music score. The Final Sacrifice has it all and none of it is good. Because of some unintentional entertainment value I derive from the film, I can't rate it any lower than a 2/10. But as far as MST3K episodes goes, it makes for one of the best. I'll give that version a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale. Enjoy.

2/10

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

"I owe you an unpleasant death, Mr. Bond.", 1 September 2009

It should be obvious from my rating that I'm not the biggest fan of Pierce Brosnan's second outing as James Bond. It's not that Tomorrow Never Dies is terrible, but compared with the best of Bond (even compared to the best of Brosnan's Bond films), it's just not that good. There's very little that I would call original in the script. It's strictly Bond by-the-numbers. The same tired formula is used with little in the way of a surprise thrown in. Beyond the lack of originality, I've got real problems with Jonathan Pryce as super-villain, Elliot Carver. A megalomaniac news-mogul intent on dominating every news outlet in the world just doesn't instill the same level of fear in me that most of Bond's other adversaries do. And haven't we already seen guys like this? Ted Turner – Rupert Murdoch – anyone? And really, what's the point in Carver's whole plan? First, he's obviously already one of the most powerful, wealthy men on the planet. I mean, he owns a news empire that stretches across the entire globe, save for China. Not too shabby. Second, if you've got the resources and wherewithal to build a stealth ship and no one, including the world's intelligence community, knows anything about it, how much more is there? Finally, what kind of name is Elliot for a man bent on world domination? Elliot is a guy who hands you your soft-serve at Dairy Queen – not some evil genius.

The highlight of Tomorrow Never Dies is easily Michelle Yeoh. I know, it's a predictable statement, but she really is awesome. From the motorcycle scene while handcuffed to Brosnan to her fight scene in the secret hideout, she totally rocks. If she could have just seen fit to give old Brosnan a good butt-kicking, I might have rated this movie a lot higher.

5/10

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

"Yeah, baby, yeah", 29 March 2009

I remember being terribly excited when Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery was first released. I couldn't wait to see it. And for one of the few times in my life, a movie not only lived-up to the hype, but actually exceeded my expectations. At the time, I considered it a real winner and would have most likely rated it a 9/10 (if I had been rating movies at the time).

I re-watched Austin Powers: IMoM this weekend for the first time in something like 5 or 6 years. How would it hold up? This is the portion of most user comments where I write something about being disappointed by an old favorite I haven't seen in years. Well, I'm happy to report that that's not the case here. The comedy in Austin Powers: IMoM works as well today as it did 12 years ago. The movie really is Mike Myers' baby from start to finish and he was never better or funnier. The writing is sensational. Myers' understanding and parody of James Bond, the 60s, and general pop culture is spot on. The notion of Dr. Evil's outdated plans for taking over the world through force in contrast with No. 2's ability to do even better and be more successful in the world of business is s small point, but very cleverly written. Myers is laugh out loud funny whether in the guise of Austin Powers or Dr. Evil. It's brilliant! And there are some truly inspired set-pieces that work flawlessly. The sea bass with lasers scenes, the Fembots, and Dr. Evil's therapy sessions are all plain old funny. For my money, comedy doesn't get much better than this.

With so much of the film focusing on Myers, it's almost surprising that the often underutilized supporting cast are nonetheless excellent. Elizabeth Hurley, Mimi Rogers, and even Seth Green (who normally gets on my nerves) give fine performances. But it's Robert Wagner as No. 2 who actually upstages even Myers on occasion that I find the best. Wagner's No. 2 is a scream! Wagner is so dead-pan serious that its amazing. It's a very nice piece of acting.

In the end, Austin Powers: IMoM is as fresh today as ever. I'm still more than comfortable with my initial assessment and have now "officially" rated it a 9/10. Good job by all involved!

9/10

Wizards of the Demon Sword (1991)

Bad, Bad, Bad, 21 March 2009

It's been awhile since I last posted one of these user comments - and what a winner I've returned with. Wizards of the Demon Sword was made during a period rife with extremely bad sword and sorcerer movies, yet it has the dubious distinction of being about the worst I've thus far run across. It didn't take long for me to realize just how much I was going to dislike the movie. As soon as the film's supposed hero appeared on-screen, I found myself instantly and negatively comparing him to the hero of another putrid sword and sorcerer movie, Deathstalker II. And any comparison with that jackass is definitely not a good thing. Antoher big problem is the plot. Wizard of the Demon Sword's plot isn't worth devoting a minute of time or an ounce of effort to. It's a mish-mash of recycled ideas that any fan of this genre will have seen dozens of times - and usually done much better. In fact, nothing in the movie is worth devoting much time and effort to. So I'll wrap this up with by saying that the tired plot, the poor acting, the non-existent special effects, the dull screenplay, and the lousy direction make Wizards of the Demon Sword a poor excuse of a movie that offers nothing in the way of entertainment. A 1/10 is almost overstating it. In the end, I was left asking myself what in the world Russ Tamblyn, Lawrence Tierney, and even Michael Berryman were doing in a stinker like this.

1/10

Future War (1997)

"I have a job too; I'm a tool.", 11 December 2008

I've just about reached my limit. I've watched more than my share of bad movies in the past few months. Sure, as is the case with Future War, I've watched many of these movies courtesy of and with the assistance of Mystery Science Theater 3000 - but I've watched them just the same. Future War may be the last for a while. It's so bad I'm ready to swear off bad movies all together.

The plot is a completely ridiculous mish-mash of incomprehensible ideas that never made a lick of sense to me. Something about a traveler from the future with cyborgs and their dinosaur "trackers" hot on his heels. The only person he's got to turn to for help is a former druggy/prostitute turned nun facing a crisis of faith. Like I said, none of it makes sense.

I've said this so many times that I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but Future War is bad in every way a movie can be bad. The acting is beyond pitiful. Neither of the movies' two leads, Daniel Bernhardt or Travis Brooke Stewart, seem capable of acting their way onto a community theater stage, let alone a sound-stage. Most surprising to me is that Bernhardt went on to have a fairly successful career, because in Future War, he comes across as nothing more than a Jean-Claude Van Damme wannabe without any of Van Damme's talent. (Did I just insinuate that Van Damme has talent?) Beyond the acting, the special effects are of particular note. The dinosaurs are about the most Gawd awful things I've seen in a movie. I could film something about as realistic with the plastic dinosaurs my son has in his room. Wait a minute - I think that might be what they used! Finally (and believe me, I could go on forever), the editing in Future War is atrocious. Some scenes are edited so poorly that it's all but impossible to follow the action.

Overall, Future War is about as bad as a movie can get. I can't really come up with an inspired description, so I'll end this by saying, "It sux!"

1/10

Quest of the Delta Knights (1993)

One big old dog of a movie, 20 November 2008

Plot (and I'll keep this brief – no point in dragging it out): Quest of the Delta Knights is the story of a boy, sold into slavery, who becomes the leader of a revolutionary group out to stop the evil Lord Vultare from discovering Archimedes lost storehouse and the knowledge it contains. This knowledge includes a weapon of unlimited power.

My plot description almost makes Quest of the Delta Knights sound good. Unfortunately, Quest of the Delta Knights is one big old dog of a movie. Nothing in the movie makes sense. It's a mish-mash of ideas and characters that don't go together. Imageine every sort of pre-16th Century character you can think of and you're bound to find them fighting and living beside each other in this movie. Viking, knights, Italian scholars – it doesn't matter. Also, I've seen this movie several times and I'm not quite sure where it's supposed to be set. Someone mentions England, but there are Viking roaming around. With Leonardo Di Vinci as a character, you might think Italy. Again, how do you explain the Vikings? How about Atlantis? It's anyone's guess. And because the whole thing looks like its straight out a Renaissance festival, maybe the setting is supposed to be California? Makes as much sense as anything else you'll find in the movie. This is just one small example of the numerous inconsistencies and annoyances you'll find in Quest of the Delta Knights. Believe me, there are plenty more.

Watching Quest of the Delta Knights, I decided that some people will do just about anything if the price is right. Apparently the producers of this turkey offered David Warner enough money that he was willing to embarrass himself by taking on not one, but two roles. How much money does it take for an actor to agree to star in something like this? Many watchers would also recognize Richard Kind in the role of wise man/Magi Wamthool. But the casting of Kind has to be one of the most puzzling in movie history. I realize they were going for comic relief but they failed miserably. Kind may even have embarrassed himself more than Warner in his mercifully brief performance.

I could go on and on, but really there's no point. My opinion of Quest of the Delta Knights should already be painfully obvious. If not, I'll spell it out for you – it's an incredibly bad movie with one ridiculous set-piece after the next. There are few, if any, redeeming moments to be found. I must admit, however, that my experiences with Quest of the Delta Knights have been softened by watching the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie. The MST3K guys make it a barrel of laughs. So, while I rate the movie a miserable 2/10, I'll give it a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

2/10

Time Chasers (1994)

- Tangents
"Whoa, minutemen!", 8 November 2008

Nick Miller has developed a means of time travel using a computer and his small airplane. Needing the funds to continue his experiments, he agrees to sell his invention to a large corporation named GenCorp. But Nick hadn't planned on how GenCorp would use his time machine. On his next trip to the future, he discovers a world in chaos where social order has broken down. Nick decides he must go into the past if he is to restore the future.

Like most people on this sight, I came by Time Chasers courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000. And while the movie is bad, it's not as bad as a lot of the stuff they showed. Oh, it's got the usual bad acting, a dorky lead, poor special effects, some ridiculous locations (Others have mentioned it, but I've got to agree with the slamming of J.K. Robertson's office. The mezzanine of the local public library isn't a very effective or realistic looking location.), giant plot holes, and everything else you find in your typical, run-of-the-mill bad movie, but it's got something I wasn't expecting to find. It's actually got some good ideas buried under the rubbish. The whole notion of time travel, changing the future, and going into the past to make things right is a good, interesting concept. Unfortunately for the makers of this movie, I think their ideas far exceeded both their abilities and certainly their budget. It's too bad, because as I indicated, there are some good ideas to be found in Time Chasers.

The MST3K treatment of Time Chasers is good – actually, it's very good. The first time I saw it, I found myself laughing out loud. So, while I give the movie a 3/10, I'll give it a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

3/10

Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back (1992)

"What an awesomely disgusting sight!", 2 August 2008

Move along people! Nothing to see here!

And I mean that…quite literally. Unless you're some sort of dyed in the wool Lana Clarkson fan, I sincerely doubt you'll find a whole lot about Barbarian Queen II to enjoy. Other than a couple scenes where Lana gets topless (one, where she mud wrestles for the leadership of the rebel force and, two, where she's tied to the rack) you can safely fast forward through the magical hokum, the poorly done fight scenes, and the failed attempts at acting on the part of the entire cast without missing anything. Add to that a plot that's not worth mentioning (so I won't), awkwardly choreographed action sequences, and a complete lack of anything remotely entertaining. In fact, I can't think of a single redeeming feature of Barbarian Queen II.

Overall, 30 or so seconds of a topless Lana Clarkson vs. wasting 80 minutes of your life – not a very good ratio if you ask me.

1/10

Poirot "Murder on the Links" #6.3 (1996) (TV)

Other than a poorly timed flashback, not much to complain about, 21 April 2008

While on holiday with his friend, Captain Hastings, renowned detective Hercule Poirot is pressed into service to help solve a murder. A very wealthy man's body has been discovered in a sand bunker at a golf course with a knife in his back. His wife is found bound and gagged with a story of two Chilean kidnappers that took her husband in the middle of the night. With no other witnesses, the police quite naturally believe the woman's story. But to Poirot, these events seem oddly familiar and quite suspicious. Poirot must look back into the past to stop a killer from murdering again in the future.

As with Hickory Dickory Dock (which I wrote about yesterday), Murder on the Links is a good episode, just not a great one. There are a number of changes from Agatha Christie's original work – most I didn't really care for. I suppose, however, one has to expect that certain creative licenses will be taken to adapt Christie's books to the screen. And other than one significant issue I have with an early flashback (which I will get to in a moment), most of the mystery elements from the book are here and most work satisfactorily. The acting is nice. I've run out of positives to say about David Suchet. He, quite simply, IS Poirot. Hugh Fraser gives another wonderfully understated performance as Poirot's Dr. Watson, Captain Hastings. The supporting cast is strong, but none of the actors really stand out above the others. Another big plus for Murder on the Links is the attention to detail taken in the sets and the setting. I'm no expert, but the movie looks like it's straight out of the 1930s. Sure, there are one or two discrepancies here and there, but overall, the movie looks incredible. The train station and the hotel are both amazing.

My biggest complaint with Murder on the Links comes from a flashback at the very beginning of the movie. Certain key elements of the mystery are revealed way to early in the script. You find out things within the first 5 minutes that would have been best left until near the end. Otherwise, I don't have any other significant issues with this installment of the Poirot series. A 7/10 seems about right to me.

7/10

Poirot "Hickory Dickory Dock" #6.2 (1995) (TV)

"These psychologists, most of them are balmy themselves.", 20 April 2008

A series of random, seemingly insignificant thefts at her sister's boarding house has Miss Lemon quite agitated. A ring, light bulbs, a rucksack, a lighter, a stethoscope, a shoe – there seems to be no rhyme or reason to any of it. Miss Lemon asks her employer, the great Belgian detective Hercule Poirot, to look into the matter. But what Poirot sees is something far more sinister than Miss Lemon could have imagined. And Poirot's fears are confirmed when one of the students living in the boarding house if found murdered. It's up to Poirot to bring a killer to justice.

Hickory Dickory Dock is a solid, but not spectacular, entry in the long running Poirot series. I appreciate how faithful the script is to Agatha Christie's original story. I realize that certain liberties had to be taken, but I appreciate the effort nonetheless. The major points of the mystery are all there – the petty thefts, the boarding house, the students, the ripped rucksack, and, of course, Poirot's ability to see something sinister going on before it actually happens. With a few exceptions, the cast of students is almost as I pictured them. Damian Lewis and Jessica Lloyd standout among the group. As mush as I always enjoy David Suchet's Poirot, I get a real kick out of the episodes with Phillip Jackson's Inspector Japp and Pauline Moran's Miss Lemon. This episode is a real treat as Miss Lemon gets more screen time than usual. Finally, I enjoyed the use of the ever present mouse as an observer of the activities in the hostel. It's a fun little play on the Hickory Dickory Dock title.

I realized while re-watching Hickory Dickory Dock just what a tremendous influence Agatha Christie's work was on the highly stylized Italian mystery films, or Gialli, of the 60s and 70s. Take the murder of Mrs. Nicoletis as an example. If you were to bump up the graphic nature of the scene, you would have something straight out of an early 70s Giallo. In fact, the entire plot of Hickory Dickory Dock could have been used in a Giallo. It's just convoluted and interesting enough to have worked.

7/10

Poirot "Hercule Poirot's Christmas" #6.1 (1995) (TV)

"I have yet to meet anybody in this household that has even the most rudimentary sense of humor.", 9 April 2008

Harry Lee, a wealthy and curmudgeonly old coot, invites Hercule Poirot to spend Christmas with him and his dysfunctional, greedy, money-hungry relatives. On hand are Lee's three sons, their two wives, and a Spanish granddaughter whose late mother was Lee's only daughter. Though Lee seems to relish tormenting his offspring with talk of changing his will, he tells Poirot that he's afraid for his life and wants Poirot to keep and eye on his family. As it turns out, Harry Lee's fears are proved to have been well founded when he's discovered with his throat slashed behind a locked door. With the able and welcome assistance of his friend Inspector Japp, Poirot sets out to find a killer for Christmas.

Hercule Poirot's Christmas is one of the very few Agatha Christie books that I haven't read. Therefore, I have no idea how faithful or unfaithful the movie is to the book. And quite honestly, that may be one of the reasons I enjoyed Hercule Poirot's Christmas so much – I went into it completely blind with no expectations. It has all the traits that I love about a good Agatha Christie mystery – a murder committed in a locked room, a house full of greedy relatives, a bitter old coot of a murder victim, and a gathering of the suspects for the final reveal. The killer's identity wasn't too awfully difficult to figure out, but the how it was done was quite interesting. Like most of the Poirot episodes, Hercule Poirot's Christmas looks fantastic with interesting sets, nice period touches, and solid cinematography and lighting. The acting from most of the supporting players is what I would call okay. The exceptions would be the notable performances of Vernon Dobtcheff as Harry Lee and Sasha Behar as Pilar Estravados. Phillip Jackson gives his usual enjoyable performance as Inspector Japp. And David Suchet is as good as always in the role of Poirot. I can't believe that there was a time just a few years ago when I didn't care for Suchet. Now, not only do I enjoy Suchet's performances, but I consider him the definitive screen version of Poirot. Quite simply, David Suchet IS Poirot!

8/10

The World Is Not Enough (1999)

"There's no point living, if you can't feel alive.", 25 March 2008

From the time he took over the role of James Bond, I've tended to dismiss the Pierce Brosnan era as one of the weaker periods of the franchise. That assessment was cemented with Brosnan's last outing as Bond in Die Another Day – quite possibly the very worst of the 21 official Bond movies. But something odd keeps happening. I keep going back to The World is Not Enough. I've actually probably seen it more times in the past 5 years than any other Bond film. I realize now that it's not only Brosnan's best effort in the series, but also it's one of my five or six favorite Bond movies.

In The World is Not Enough, Bond is sent to the Caspian Sea to protect an oil heiress, Elektra King (Sophie Marceau), after her father is killed in an explosion at MI-6 Headquarters. King's is in a race with three other groups to be the first to complete an oil pipeline to bring their product to market. And someone seems intent on making sure Elektra doesn't win the race. Bond discovers that a terrorist named Renard (Robert Carlyle) may be responsible for the father's death, the threats against Elektra and the pipeline, and the theft of enough plutonium to destroy a good chunk of Turkey. But Bond also discovers that things may not be as they seem. Is Elektra really as innocent as she seems? Or is she, as unthinkable as it may be, in league with Renard?

There are a lot of things about The World is Not Enough that keep me coming back. The most obvious is the plot. It definitely has a darker, more realistic tone to it than one normally associates with a James Bond film. It has more in common with To Russia with Love than it does the quip-filled gimmicky Bond movies of Roger Moore. And Brosnan does a more than competent job playing Bond with the same sort dark tone. The World is Not Enough actually shows Bond killing in cold blood. Don't get the wrong impression – there is still humor to be found in the film, but it's used very judiciously. Speaking of realism, other than the whole bullet in the brain making him impervious to pain, Robert Carlyle's Renard is a much more frightening advisory than the cartoonish villains with their ridiculous plans to take over the world. Renard could almost be a real-world terrorist. I also appreciate the increased role for Judy Dench as M in The World is Not Enough. It's good to see M out from behind her desk and in the field. But the real highlight of the film for me is Sophie Marceau as Elektra King. Not only does Marceau prove herself to be a talented actress, but the writers actually gave her something to work with. Too often in the Bond movies of the past, woman who start out as Bond's enemies find themselves swooning after a single encounter. Not Elektra. She remains defiant till the end. In fact, Elektra turns the tables on Bond. She uses Bond the way he normally uses women. And in this instance, Bond's the one doing the swooning. Elektra may not be the normal, run of the mill Bond girl, but I for one am glad of that.

As for the negatives found in The World is Not Enough, I'm going to beat the same dead horse found in most other comments and point to Denise Richards. In a word, she's terrible. Her entire career is based on her looks because she certainly can't act. I cannot remember a single actor in any Bond movie (and that includes the likes of Tonya Roberts) who was so ill-suited to play their part. Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist – yeah, right.

Five years ago I rated The World is Not Enough a 6/10. The rating, however, seems to go up with each successive viewing. I'm at an 8/10 now. Who knows what will happen the next time I watch this movie.

8/10

The Heroic Trio (1993)

- Dung fong saam hap
Mixes elements of fantasy in places I hadn't expected, 14 March 2008

Trying to come up with a pithy plot description for something like The Heroic Trio is all but impossible. The plot simply cannot be explained in a few short sentences. So I'll go with a very general plot description realizing I'm leaving a lot out – An evil demon is kidnapping male babies in hopes of finding the next Emperor of China. He hopes to use that baby to help him take over the world. Three competing female super heroes must put aside their differences and work together to defeat the demon.

The Heroic Trio is like a comic book come to life. It has an almost dreamlike feel to much of it mixing elements of fantasy in places I hadn't expected. In fact, I was shocked to discover it's probably more fantasy than martial arts. It's quite an unusual narrative style that, as a Westerner, I'm not overly familiar with. Fortunately, I was able to just go with it and enjoy it. It's not too difficult though as director Johnny To filled The Heroic Trio with some amazing images. The flying motorcycle at the train station, the first descent into the underworld, and Michelle Yeoh's dance with the demon are incredibly unique and memorable. Visually, the movie is stunning.

All three of the lead actresses – Michelle Yeoh, Anita Mui, and Maggie Cheung – are perfect in their roles. At first I was tempted to single Yeoh out for praise, but realized that may have had more to do with my familiarity with her than anything else. All three are outstanding and deserve to be mentioned together.

I'm far from a marital arts expert, but I found the fight scenes, though disappointingly too brief, flawlessly choreographed. Other than the finale, one of my favorites featured Maggie Cheung and an automatic weapon facing off against four hooded assassins. Cool stuff!

There are a few things that could have been different that would have made me enjoy The Heroic Trio even more. It seemed to me that the action and momentum of the movie was broken up far too often by scenes of schmaltzy sentimentality. And what was with the music? I understand the music won some awards, but it's hardly what I would have picked. I suppose that my complaints could be due to my Western sensibilities more than anything. As it is, I found The Heroic Trio an interesting and entertaining experience.

7/10

Xena: Warrior Princess "Callisto" #1.22 (1996)

"As a villain, you were awesome. As a hero, you're a sentimental fool.", 25 February 2008

When a blond warrior claiming to be Xena begins killing innocent people, the real Xena and sidekick Gabrielle decide they must do something to put a stop to it. The mysterious killer turns out to be Callisto, a woman who has known nothing but hatred for Xena all of her life. Callisto blames Xena for the death of her family and has vowed to destroy Xena and everything she holds dear.

The introduction of Xena's nemesis Callisto is easily one of the highlights of the series' entire run. Xena is the Ying to Callisto's Yang – they're oil and water – they're sweet and sour – they're any tired old cliché you can think of. But when they're together, it's fantastic! Their fight scenes are wonderfully entertaining. The ladder battle in the episode titled "Callisto" is one of the best the show ever presented (and that's a lot of fight scenes). Fortunately for fans of the show, the producers saw fit to bring Callisto back season after season – even after she had been killed several times over. But it's this meeting, their first, that I find extra-special.

I think much of credit for the success of the Xena/Callisto relationship has to go to Hudson Leick. The hatred she expresses with her eyes, the contempt conveyed through her body, and the snarl of her voice – it's all so real. You can all but feel the venom she spews forth. It's almost palatable. Answering Xena's question about what she would do if she were set free, Callisto answers, "You let me go, and I'll dedicate my life to killing everything you love. Your friends, your family, your reputation - even your horse." Now that's hatred!

8/10

Tower of Terror (1997) (TV)

Disney Does Horror, 15 February 2008

Something happened 60 years ago at the Hollywood Tower Hotel – something so bizarre and tragic that the doors were locked and the hotel closed. Five people stepped onto an elevator headed to the Tip Top Club on the 12th floor. Suddenly, a flash of green light and the elevator stopped. The five people on board the elevator were gone. They just vanished. Now, down-on-his-luck newspaper reporter Buzzy Crocker (Steve Guttenberg) has been given the chance to tell the story of a lifetime – a chance to tell the world about what really happened to the people on board that doomed elevator. But to do so, he'll have to face the ghosts of the five souls that disappeared 60 years ago.

I think that some of the criticism leveled against Tower of Terror is unfair and just plain ridiculous. For what it is (a Disney horror movie), I quite enjoyed it. Sure, it doesn't have the same kind of scares or gore many horror fans look for, but it wasn't meant to. It was meant to be a movie aimed at families and children and, as such, I think it was reasonably successful. There are a couple of moments when the movie drags, but overall it's a well-paced, entertaining, harmless piece of entertainment. And, as much as it pains me, I must admit to enjoying the feel good ending. It worked for me. My biggest complaint would be the lack of originality. How many times have we seen this story played out? A new twist on an old stand-by would have been nice.

I suppose that another reason I enjoyed Tower of Terror might have something to do with the ride at the Disney Hollywood Studios in Orlando. And what a ride it is! A 12 story free-fall that's never the same ride twice! I love it! At the beginning of the movie, I was amazed at how much the hotel in the movie looked like the ride. It didn't come as too big of a surprise to me to learn that the exteriors were actually filmed in the park. How cool is that?

6/10

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)

"You haven't heard Shakespeare until you've heard it in the original Klingon.", 13 February 2008

In light of an upcoming peace conference between the Klingons and the Federation, Captain Kirk puts aside his personal feelings and welcomes a Klingon delegation to dine on the Enterprise. But soon after the Klingons return to their ship they are attacked and the Klingon Ambassador is assassinated by someone believed to be from the Enterprise. Kirk and McCoy are put on trial for the murder, found guilty, and sentenced to hard labor. Surely this can't be the end of Kirk and the rest of the Enterprise crew.

I'm not even sure I can be fair to these Star Trek movies anymore. I'm finding it harder and harder to take them seriously. The situations, dialogue, and action are quite ridiculous. Add to that the incredible over-acting on the part of William Shatner and his hair-piece and you're left with something I find more comedic (albeit unintentional) than dramatic. For example, watching Kirk score with Iman or watching Kirk make goofy faces as he fights his double – laugh out loud funny!

In reality, however, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is the best of the three Star Trek movies I've watched recently (Generations and The Final Frontier being the other two). I actually had fun watching it. I attribute much of that to the direction. Is it a coincidence that without Shatner in the director's chair (as he was in Star Trek V) that much of the movie actually worked for me. Sure, the writing, etc. may have also been better, but I'll argue the direction was as well. The mystery elements of the story were nicely handled even though much of the solution was way too easy to guess. There's nothing quite like a good conspiracy to keep a movie interesting. Finally, it's difficult to watch Star Trek VI and not be impressed with the considerable talent of Christopher Plummer. He makes several of the Star Trek regulars look like chumps in comparison. His General Chang is one of the more interesting characters I've run into in a Star Trek movie.

6/10

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

"I wanna go to Dog Heaven!", 12 February 2008

Where to start with this bizarre modern-day retelling of the H.G. Wells' classic? In many respects, The Island of Dr. Moreau is a train wreck of a movie. On so many levels, it's an unmitigated disaster. The problems on the set with the cast and crew are legendary. People getting fired, others getting mad and walking off, and some distracted by personal issues – it must have been like living a soap opera. Maybe it's all these competing issues that helps to make what should be an unwatchable mess so interesting. For all its faults, The Island of Dr. Moreau is actually quite an enjoyable experience.

Bizarre would be a good word to describe much of The Island of Dr. Moreau – and I'm not just talking about the events in the movie's plot. The characters are just plain weird. Each appears to be competing with the other to be the most bizarre. David Thewlis' Edward Douglas goes through range of emotions including fear, lust, anger, and disinterest. If it weren't for Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer's Montgomery would be one of the strangest characters in movie history. He's like some sort of butch game-keeper with a death wish. But Brando is in the movie and his Dr. Moreau tops everyone. The scene with Brando in a muumuu and an ice bucket hat is a sight that must be seen to be believed. Words cannot do it justice. Add to that the variety of half-man, half-animal creatures on the island and you've got one strange collection of characters.

Speaking of the creatures, the make-up effects are the film's strongest assets. Some, like Hyena or the Sayer of the Law, are as good examples of creature make-up as you'll see. These effects do add a certain creepiness to the whole thing (that is if you can keep from laughing at Brando's latest get-up).

Despite enjoying much of the movie, I cannot call The Island of Dr. Moreau a particularly "good" movie – not in the traditional sense anyway. The movie has too many problems to do that. The movie is terribly paced, any attempts at drama or horror are usurped by the ridiculousness of the characters, some of the special effects look like they came from a Nintendo 64, and, frustratingly, none of the characters demonstrate anything remotely resembling common sense. As much as I hate to do it, but because of my mixed feelings, I feel forced to give The Island of Dr. Moreau a very wishy-washy 5/10.

5/10

Star Trek: Generations (1994)

"Actually, Captain, I am familiar with history. And if I'm not mistaken, you're dead.", 9 February 2008

I remember seeing Star Trek: Generations in the theater back in 1994. At the time, I was so heavily into Star Trek: The Next Generation that anything with Picard and Data was going appeal to me. Seeing it now, some 13 years later, the best word I can think of to describe the experience is "silly". Oh, I enjoyed bits and pieces of the movie, but overall, Star Trek: Generations has to be one of the silliest movies I can remember seeing recently. From an overweight and much too old William Shatner attempting to play an action hero to the incredibly annoying subplot involving Data and an emotion chip, it's all so silly. How in the world did I ever think this tripe was good?

The plot involves a scientist named Soran (Malcolm McDowell) and his attempt to enter a mysterious energy ribbon called the Nexus. His plan, though, would require the destruction of the Enterprise and an entire planet. Captains Picard and Kirk must put a stop to the madman's plans.

The best thing Star Trek: Generations has going for it is McDowell. The man proves once again that regardless of the poorly written script and ridiculous plot, he's capable of giving a solid performance. In comparison, I'm really not shocked to see that most of the rest of the Star Trek cast has done very little of note since this movie.

4/10

Werewolf (1996)

"Wuur-wilf? You mean Joel thinks this thing is a wuur-wilf?", 6 November 2007

When I write one of these little reviews, there are certain words I try to avoid when describing a movie. Some words just don't seem appropriate. But when it comes to Werewolf, I'm going to break this rule. Werewolf has to be one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen. While watching Werewolf, it's difficult to fathom that an upright walking human with opposable thumbs and an I.Q. above that of a water sprinkler could have made something so inept. Werewolf's plot is an absolute unadulterated mess. You could give cameras to a band of poo throwing monkeys and end up with a more coherent movie. The actors are given some of the most inane dialogue ever recorded. And it doesn't help matters that three of the main characters (Adrianna Miles being the worst offender) sound more like they need to be in an ESL class than shooting a movie. If Joe Estevez emoting like there's no tomorrow is the highlight of the movie, you know you're in deep trouble. In short, Werewolf is a disaster.

But, as bad as Werewolf admittedly is, coming up with a rating has proved more difficult that I imagined. Much of the movie is so unintentionally hilarious that I was entertained despite the multitude of problems. Take the film's continuity (or lack thereof) as an example. Watching actor Jorge Rivero's hair go from almost black and slicked back to slightly graying with less of a greasy look to brown with blond highlights and a feathered appearance all in a matter of 15 minutes is too funny. Or take the scenes where the werewolf transforms from an actor in makeup to a stuffed animal being shaken at the camera to someone in a bear suit all within 45 seconds – it's laugh-out-loud, hold your sides so they don't split hysterical. But in the end, it's still a pathetic movie and a rating of 2/10 seems somehow generous.

2/10