Caliber 9 (1972)

I agree - Ugo Piazza is a God!, 4 February 2017

Incredible! I haven't watched many 70s Euro-Crime films in a while, but I can't remember any being quite this good. Caliber 9 is just amazing. Almost everything about the movie is perfect. The plot is simple enough - recently released from prison, Ugo Piazza is approached by his old employers, led by the Americano, about $300,000 in cash he may have stolen and hidden. Without any other prospect, he agrees to go to work for the gang with hopes of throwing off the old suspicions. I'm seriously not going to go into any more detail - I'd hate to ruin any of the plot twists and turns for anyone who might be reading this.

Director Fernando Di Leo expertly oversees one of the more interesting films I've seen recently. The movie moves at a fantastic pace with action, interesting dialogue, and intrigue around every corner. The violence is plentiful, but not overdone (a complaint I've had in the past about some Euro-Crime films). The acting is far superior to what you'd expect in a movie of this type. Mario Adorf, Philippe Leroy, Lionel Stander, and Barbara Bouchet give some of the best performances I've ever seen from them. But, the real standout is Gastone Moschin. His steely-eyed Ugo Piazza is one of the best characters ever. The understated way Moschin plays Piazza is brilliant. Finally, I've already referred to the plot, but it is so well written, it deserves another mention. There's not a wasted scene. The final couple twists brought a real smile to my face. They're so unexpected that I was totally caught off-guard. Bravo!

Overall, Caliber 9 is a real winner. It's the kind of movie I love discovering and the reason I sit through some total garbage just hoping I'll stumble on something like this. I wish I was a real writer and could better express my feelings toward Caliber 9. I'm not, so I'll end this the way I started - incredible!

9/10

Seven Murders for Scotland Yard (1972)

Sorry, but I'm not a fan, 1 February 2017

After watching Seven Murders for Scotland Yard a couple of weeks ago, I initially rated the movie a 5/10. As I sat down to write this, however, I couldn't remember why I had been so generous. Sitting here, I'm having trouble coming up of anything positive to write.

I'm not really sure if there are actually seven murders in the movie or not. I wasn't counting and can't be bothered to go back and look. The exact number of murders, though, is the least of the problems I have with Seven Murders for Scotland Yard. Instead, my major issue with the film is the lack of originality. For example, for a movie with seven(?) murders, they're filmed with a complete lack of imagination. We've seen it all before and usually handled better. I wasn't expecting anything as masterful as Blood and Black Lace or Tenebre, but the murder scenes here are dull and horribly predictable in execution. They all look the same – cheap and nasty (and not in a good way). In fact, the whole film looks cheap and dirty – like it was filmed through a filter of muck. 

The plot doesn't do the movie any favors either. The killer is too easy to spot right from the start. The movie includes plenty of Giallo required red herrings and plot twists, but they'e so obvious they don't work. For example, a lot of time is spent trying to make the audience think that Paul Naschy's character might be responsible for the murders. But it never works because it's too easy to see through. There might as well be a sign flashing "Red Herring" above his head. Like much of the rest of the movie, the plot is dull and lifeless.

Finally, there's the cast. I couldn't find anyone to root for. In the past, I've made no secret about my general dislike for Naschy and, with Seven Murders for Scotland Yard, nothing has changed my opinion. His character even looks like the same guy he plays in most all of his movies – leather jacket, collar-less shirt, slacks, and dress shoes. I kept waiting for him to turn into a werewolf. Again, unoriginal. And then there's Renzo Marignano as Scotland Yard Inspector Henry Campbell. His methods of investigation were laughably unbelievable. In fact, I realized about half-way through the movie that he didn't remind me of an Inspector, but instead, he reminded me of Monty Python's Graham Chapman playing a Scotland Yard Inspector. 

Overall (an unfortunately), Seven Murders for Scotland Yard is a stinker in my book.

3/10

Charlie's Angels "Night of the Strangler" #1.3 (1976) (TV)

"If he had been Robert Redford, I might have said 'defile away'.", 19 February 2010

The Angels go undercover in the world of fashion to ferret out a murderer known as the "Rag Doll Strangler". It may sound like pretty standard stuff for a Charlie's Angels episode, but for some reason, it doesn't work as well for me as most. It's okay – just nowhere near my favorite episode of the first season. This may be a lame explanation for my opinions on Night of the Strangler, but it's just not as much "fun" as many of the other episodes. It's one of the darker, more serious episodes you'll run across. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I watch Charlie's Angels for the fluff. Another thing that bothers me about Night of the Strangler is the killer's choice of weapons – a rag doll. How stupid is that? Using a rag doll looks like it would make a very awkward means of murder. And how hard must it have been to hide something so obvious and obtrusive as a rag doll? It's not as if a rag doll would be a common thing for a grown man to have in his possession. I'd have thought the police could have wrapped this one up in record time. Finally, I don't care for the casting of Richard Mulligan. He's an okay sort of actor, but I can't see him in the role of suspect to murder – at least unless it's all being played for laughs. Having said all that, I'm still rating this episode a 6/10. It's well made, features some real suspenseful moments, and, as always, the Angels are on hand to make it at least worth checking out.

As I re-watched Night of the Strangler last night, something occurred to me. I'm a huge fan of the Italian Gialli films so popular in the late 60s and early 70s. Night of the Strangler plays much like a Giallo. Many of the distinctive elements you'll find in those films are present in this episode – a twisted plot, suspects galore, red herrings at every corner, sexual perversions, a mysterious black-gloved killer, beautiful women, and unusual deaths. I wouldn't be overly surprised to learn that writers of Night of the Strangler had seen a few Gialli themselves.

6/10

Cotton Comes to Harlem (1970)

"Now, we may have broken some heads, but we never broke no promises.", 18 September 2009

Gravedigger Jones and Coffin Ed Johnson are two black cops working out of a Harlem precinct. They've got their eyes on a minister promising his poor parishioners the opportunity to travel to Africa for $100. Jones and Johnson see Rev. Deke O'Malley for the scammer he really is. But things get complicated when, during a recruitment rally, the $87,000 the good Reverend has collected is stolen by armed bandits. The only clue about the money's whereabouts is that it's been hidden in a bale of cotton. Hot on the trail of the cotton bale are the mob, the police, Reverend O'Malley, a junk dealer, a militant black group, and just about everyone else in Harlem.

The first true blaxploitation movie (there seems to be some disagreement, but I'm not sure how you could go with Sweet Sweetback's Badasssss Song as it was released a year later), Cotton Comes to Harlem is wonderfully entertaining from start to finish. It's a non-stop comedic slice of life in Harlem in the early 1970s. The movie is filled with eclectic characters, unique set-pieces, interesting music choices, and real life locations you just can't replicate on a sound-stage. The plot has so much going on that it never gets old. Ossie Davis didn't direct many films, but he does an amazing job with this, his first, effort. It's a more professional looking product than many of the blaxploitation films that would come later. The acting is a highlight and is as good as I've ever seen in a movie of this type. Godfrey Cambridge gives a memorable performance as policeman Gravedigger Jones. Cambridge manages to be the standout in a strong cast. His partner, Raymond St. Jacques as Coffin Ed Johnson, is rock solid. The pair are joined by Calvin Lockhart, the stunning Judy Pace, Redd Foxx, and a slew of familiar faces. The comedy in Cotton Comes to Harlem has held up surprisingly well. Some of it might be considered un-PC in today's overly sensitive world, but I still found myself laughing along with many scenes. Overall, it's a well made movie that I fell no hesitation in rating an 8/10.

8/10

Redneck (1973)

- Senza ragione
A real disappointment, 7 September 2009

Definitely not your typical Polizia, Redneck just never worked for me. The movie tells the story of a jewel heist gone wrong and a young boy who is inadvertently kidnapped in the process. In their attempt to get away, the robbers leave a bloody trail of death in their wake as they hatch a plan to ransom the boy. The plan is never carried off as the robbers are more intent on getting to France and the boy is intent on staying with them. While I could cite a number of problems I had with the movie, I'll focus on the most obvious – the character Memphis played by Telly Savalas. From his work in The Dirty Dozen and Kelley's Heroes to other Italian films like Crime Boss to his most remembered role as Kojak, Savalas was a winner. I've always thought of him as one uber-cool customer. Unfortunately, Savalas is almost unwatchable in Redneck. Did the director turn on the camera and instruct him to act as psychotic as possible? It might not have been too bad had his actions been done within the context of a plot I cared about, but here he seems to be acting bizarre for sake of being bizarre. It's appears to be random lunacy. And what's with that accent? Savalas might have been a lot of things, but Southern isn't one of them. He sounds completely ridiculous even attempting the accent. Beyond that, I found little of interest in the rest of the movie. As I indicated, the plot never drew me in. I just didn't care about what was going on. And the notion that the boy is so quickly attracted to the criminal lifestyle doesn't ring true. As for the other actors, Mark Lester is almost as bad as Savalas and the usually reliable Franco Nero isn't a whole lot better. Three "name" actors and not a good performance between them. To make matters worse, I believe the director filmed many of the night scenes with nothing more than the glow from his watch to light the shots. I couldn't tell what was going on. Characters I hate, a plot I don't care about, and a production values that failed – little wonder I've given Redneck a 3/10.

3/10

The Deadly and the Beautiful (1973)

- Wonder Women
"Lady, aren't you a little tired of playing God?", 6 September 2009

Dr. Tsu (Nancy Kwan) has set up a secret research facility on an island where she has mastered various transplant techniques. She boasts she can transplant any part of the body – yes, that's right, ANY part. For a hefty sum of money, she offers the wealthy a chance for immortality by placing their brains into the body of a young, virile athlete. Her island fortress is guarded by an army of beautiful, but deadly women who also work to procure the doctor her healthy subjects. Her latest acquisition, a local jai-alai player, unwittingly draws the interest of an insurance investigator from Lloyd's of London who had a policy on the young man. In turn, he hires former CIA agent Mike Harber (Ross Hagen) to investigate. Before you can say "Ross Hagen produced this thing so you know he's going to come out looking good in the end", Harber is taken prisoner by Dr. Tsu and given the long, overly drawn out explanation of her work and her plans. In the end, Harber's powers of seduction have been enough to turn one of the women against Dr. Tsu and he escapes with the jai-alai player. The end.

What a wild piece of 70s trash! While not good in any traditional sense, that's never stopped me from enjoying a movie. There are, however, three things you ought to know before watching The Deadly and the Beautiful (or Wonder Women as it's sometimes known): it's a cheaply made Filipino film, it's got a gaggle of scantily clad beauties, and it was produced by and stars Ross Hagen. The cheap/Filipino thing doesn't really bother me. It's probably part of what makes the movie so unique. And you've just got to love the 70s porn-inspired soundtrack. Too funny. The gaggle of scantily clad beauties – I'm not going to complain about that either. Though I must admit I did laugh out loud watching the army of women with every weapon imaginable set out into the jungle wearing what amounted to the most inappropriately imaginable short chiffon mini-nightgowns. I don't think nighties are standard issue for any other army in the world. And their style of hand-to-hand combat must be seen to be believed. I've heard of all sorts of styles or martial arts fighting, but nothing quite describes the gyrations performed by Roberta Collins. Finally, I'm left with Ross Hagen. The man just has a way of turning my stomach. He reminds me a bit of a B-movie version of Chad Everett with none of the acting ability. He spends the entire movie either looking half-asleep and disinterested or ogling the women he's supposed to be fighting. There is one brief scene with Hagen that's an absolute scream. He's following the Dr. Tsu down a staircase in what can only be described as full-on flounce mode. You know, ridiculous expression on his face, arms bent at the elbow and wrist, and legs doing sort of a trot – looks a bit like he's auditioning for a part in the Village People. Too funny. And then there's the scene where Ross gets to do something called "brain sex" with Nancy Kwan. Just about lost my lunch watching Ross' faux-orgasmic squirm on that vinyl seat. Yuck!

Oh yes, as for the movie – it is what it is – a cheap piece of 70s exploitation junk that's worth a watch if you're into that sort of thing. For me, I had a great time with it. It was also cool to see Sid Haig in a different sort of role (I just realized that I have no idea what happened to his character). For all the wrong reasons, I'll give The Deadly and the Beautiful a 7/10.

7/10

Live and Let Die (1973)

"Hey man, for twenty bucks I'd take you to a Ku Klux Klan cookout!", 31 August 2009

I've read all the reviews from Bond fans enumerating their many problems with Live and Let Die, but I'm sorry, I don't agree. To me, James Bond has always been about having fun. Yeah, like most people, I prefer the earlier films. But for pure unadulterated, sugar-coated fun, it's hard to beat something like Live and Let Die. These films were never meant to be brain surgery anyway. Some of the highlights for me include: the voodoo ceremonies and Baron Samedi (played by the wonderful Geoffrey Holder), the New Orleans funeral procession and band, Jane Seymour, one of the best boat chase scenes ever put on film, the funky 70's feel and the Blaxploitation meets James Bond vibe, Paul McCartney's title song, the Filet of Soul, a couple of really underrated henchmen in Tee Hee and Whisper, and a truly effective performance from the amazing Yaphet Kotto. Unlike a lot of other Bond fans, not only do I not rate Live and Let Die near the bottom of my list of favorites, I've got it near the top. It's an entertaining, action-filled, good time.

On to Roger Moore – while I prefer Connery, Moore is more than capable in the role of James Bond, especially in 1973 when he was still young enough to pull it off. He gets a lot of criticism (some from me) about the direction the character and the films took during his time in the role. But when I think about it logically, the groan-inducing quips and the lame attempts at comedy should be blamed on the producers, directors, writers, and editors – i.e. the people with the power. I've got no complaints with Moore in Live and Let Die.

Finally, if I have one negative to mention in regards to Live and Let Die, it's with Sheriff Pepper. He's a one note character whose shtick gets old real quick. The fact that the producers saw fit to bring him back in another James Bond film (instead of the original idea of brining back Baron Samedi) is jaw-dropping in its idiocy. Clifton James may have been fine performer, but Sheriff Pepper is a grating character that wears out his welcome within the first minute of appearing on screen.

8/10

Death Carries a Cane (1973)

- Passi di danza su una lama di rasoio
Unoriginal and uninspired, 19 August 2009

While waiting for her husband to pick her up in a park, Kitty (Susan Scott) accidentally looks through a telescope just in time to see a woman brutally murdered. She doesn't see the murderer's face, but she is able to tell the police that the assailant was carrying a cane. In short order, another possible witness, a man who owns a chestnut cart, is murdered. The police initially suspect Kitty's husband, Alberto, who has mysteriously sprained an ankle. Even though the suspicions against the husband fall away, Kitty and Alberto are nonetheless drawn into the investigation.

Death Carries a Cane is a terrific example of what I'd call a "lesser" Giallo. The whole thing seems so unoriginal and uninspired that at times it can be a chore to watch. I had to wake myself at least three times the night I sat down to watch. Like many Gialli, the plot is convoluted, but in this case it's a mess – even after the final reveal. Usually, I have fun trying to follow the many ins and outs of the plot. Not here. It just bored me to tears. Like many Gialli, Death Carries a Cane features a variety of red herrings. But most are so obvious and ridiculous that they're hard to take seriously. For example, I've never seen so many characters carrying canes or walking with limps for no other purpose than to throw suspicion their way. Death Carries a Can even includes twins. Yes, twins! What a terribly tired old plot device. It's just lazy writing. Another perfect example of the problems with the plot comes near the end. In this kind of movie, it's always easier to kill a character if they're separated from the other characters. Two times it the film's last 15 minutes, Kitty's character splits from the rest to go to the bathroom. Yes, Kitty's weak bladder becomes a plot device. How stupid is that! And there are other problems besides the plot. Gialli are known for their visual flair and interesting look. Not here. Like the plot, the cinematography can also best be described as generally uninspired. It's dull looking. Finally, if it weren't for Edwige Fenech, Susan Scott could probably be considered the Queen of the Giallo. She's so underutilized in Death Carries a Cane that it ought to have been a crime. She disappears for a large chunk of the movie. And no offense meant to the other cast members, but none are anywhere near as interesting as she is. To be fair, Death Carries a Cane does feature a few interesting murder scenes, but these are too few and far between to really save the movie. Any other positives are hard to come by. This is one Giallo I wished I'd skipped.

3/10

The Disappearance of Flight 412 (1974) (TV)

"This is a UFO - an Unidentified Flying Object.", 10 August 2009

A radar plane (the titular Flight 412) on a routine training mission out of Whitney AFB suddenly spots three unidentified objects on its radar. The objects are confirmed by ground radar. Marine fighters are scrambled. But just as the jet fighters get close , the planes suddenly disappear from the radar – followed shortly by the three unidentified objects. Afterwards, Flight 412 is rerouted to a secret facility where its four man crew are subjected to an interrogation about what they've seen. Or as the men are continually told, what they "think" thy might have seen. Colonel Pete Moore (Glenn Ford) sets out to find his men and bring them back home.

As hard as The Disappearance of Flight 412 strives to have the look and feel of a documentary, it never pulls it off. Instead, the movie comes across as exactly what it is – a movie of the week masquerading as a serious look at the U.S. government's cover-up of UFOs. For example, the movie makes it seem like the men on Flight 412 crack in one night with a minimum of hardship or discomfort. Good thing these guys weren't in combat. They'd have given away every secret the U.S. had in a week's time. It's not a very realistic portrayal of these well trained men.

In addition to the problems with the plot, The Disappearance of Flight 412 is never able to shake its made-for-TV origins. The sets look cheap, there is absolutely no originality as far as the cinematography goes, no special effects of any kind (the UFOs appear only as bleeps on a radar screen), and, other than Glenn Ford, most of the rest of the cast will be familiar to anyone who watched TV in the 70s. Not that the actors do a bad job – quite the opposite in fact. The acting is one of the movie's highlights. David Soul, in particular, gives a really nice performance. Other familiar faces in the cast include Guy Stockwell and Bradford Dillman.

In the end, I'll call The Disappearance of Flight 412 a slightly below average experience. As such, a 4/10 seems about right.

4/10

Vampire Circus (1972)

A wonderful departure from the usual Hammer vampire film, 4 August 2009

The 1970s are almost universally regarded as the weakest period in Hammer Films' history. Yet as I sit and think about Hammer's output in their last few years, I'm amazed at how many of the movies I genuinely enjoy. Twins of Evil, Blood from the Mummy's Tomb, Dr. Jekyll & Sister Hyde, Dracula A.D 1972 (I know I may be alone in rating this one as highly as I do), Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell – all made in the 70s and all solidly entertaining films. Add to that list Vampire Circus. In fact, it might be the best of the bunch.

In a small 19th century Serbian village, Stetl, the locals finally find the courage and band together to put an end to the blood thirsty rule of Count Mitterhaus (Robert Tayman). Count Mitterhaus, you see, was a vampire (But in a Hammer film, isn't every Count a vampire?). As the stake is driven through the heart and the light is fading, he puts a curse on the village and vows to return and seek his revenge. Fifteen years later, with Stetl beset by a plague so bad that other nearby villages have set-up armed roadblocks to keep the people in, it seems that the Count's curse has come to pass. Just when things look their bleakest, the Circus of Nights comes to town. Looking for a relief from their despair, the townspeople are delighted to have this diversion in their midst and welcome the newcomers. Clowns, dancers, animals, and a strongman - the circus is a success. But when some of the town's locals, including the children, turn up with dead, the circus performers are immediately blamed. Are these innocent circus folk or are they something more sinister with another purpose altogether – like resurrecting the body of Count Mitterhaus?

From the very opening scene where the little girl is led in what seems to be the most innocent manner into a nearby castle only to meet her fate at the hands of the blood-thirsty Count, Vampire Circus gets off to a great start and never really lets up. That opening scene sets the tone of much of what's to come. Honestly, I just loved it. While it starts out innocently enough, it features a rather startling and unexpected conclusion. Robery Tayman's Count Mitterhaus may just be the most fiendish, savage vampire to appear in a Hammer film - and that includes the work of Christopher Lee. Not even the children are safe in Vampire Circus. For example, even though we don't see it, it's implied that a whole school of children are ripped to shreds by Emil's (Anthony Higgins) black panther persona. There's probably as much claret spilled, necks ripped open, and limbs taken off in Vampire Circus as any Hammer film I can think of. But it's not all graphic violence. There's some real atmosphere at work here as well. The whole movie has a creepy sort of vibe to it that really works. The circus is just odd enough to be eerie without going overboard. And I love the liberties Hammer took in Vampire Circus with the traditional vampire lore. Circus performers turning form animal into vampire, humans and vampires living (and loving) together, etc. make Vampire Circus a unique experience. The acting is, for the most part, as good as you'll find in any Hammer film. Even though you won't find any of the big name Hammer stars, Tayman, Higgins, Adrienne Corri, and several others give outstanding performances. Finally, though I've seen some reviewers dismiss the "amateurish" special effects, they really worked quite well for me. Emil's transformation to panther or the twins flying transformations into bats are amazingly well done.

I realize it's not all perfect (I didn't care for Thorley Walters' performance, John Moulder-Brown seemed way too young, and too many scenes were too obviously filmed in a studio), but this is one of my Hammer favorites. Vampire Circus is a real treat.

8/10

Twins of Evil (1971)

A nice ending to Hammer's Karnstein trilogy, 28 July 2009

Can someone please explain to me why Hammer's Twins of Evil isn't available in Region 1 on DVD? What a joke! Twins of Evil is as good and entertaining as many of the better known Hammer offerings that you can find in the $5 bin at Wal Mart. And it's not like Twins of Evil doesn't have a "name" star. Peter Cushing is about as big a "name" as you'll find in the Hammer catalogue.

In Twins of Evil, Peter Cushing plays Gustav, the leader of a group of Puritan style religious fanatics who have no qualms in burning alive any attractive woman they encounter. However, fearing the wrath of the King, Gustav and his merry band of witchfinders conveniently ignore the fact that Count Karnstein is a vampire. Things are going good for Gustav – burning witches and all – until his twin nieces, Frieda and Maria, turn up at his doorstep looking for a place to live. Frieda's got a wild side and is soon drawn to the Count. In no time at all, Frieda joins the Count in his bloodsucking ways. Now what's Gustav to do? Kill his own kin?

I just love these Hammer period pieces. I know that by 1971 this kind of horror was horribly outdated, but today I look at it and joy in its relative quaintness. The period costumes (excluding some worn by Playboy twins Madeleine and Mary Collinson), the big old castle on the top of the hill, the fog shrouded woods, and the antiquated notion of burning witches are things that make Twins of Evil so much fun. Speaking of the Collinson twins, I don't think it was their abilities as thespians that landed them their roles. They may be eye-candy, but that's about it. Cushing gives his usual outstanding performance. Plenty of good atmosphere and snappy direction are other highlights of the film. Finally, even though I saw it coming from a mile away, I loved the little twist at the end. Overall, an enjoyable film and a nice ending to Hammer's Karnstein trilogy (and real step-up from the preceding entry, Lust for a Vampire). I'll give it an 8/10. Here's to hoping for that R1 release!

8/10

Enter the Dragon (1973)

"Don't think. FEEL. It's like a finger pointing at the moon.", 28 July 2009

You can debate the most iconic figures in a lot of movie genres, but I doubt anyone would argue Bruce Lee's place at the top of the heap of Martial Arts films. There are movie fans out there who wouldn't know Sonny Chiba, Bolo Yeung, Gordon Liu, or even Jet Li if they walked up and smacked 'em in the face, but more than 35 years after his death, they recognize Bruce Lee. The man was simply incredible! It's a real shame he died shortly after completing Enter the Dragon because the movie offers the promise of so much to come that was unfortunately never realized.

Bruce Lee (cleverly named Lee) is recruited by the government to attend a martial arts tournament on an island owned by a man named Han. The government suspects Han of any number of illegal activities (drugs, slavery, etc), but they need Lee to find the evidence. Lee's desire to get Han takes a personal turn when he discovers that Han's men were responsible for the death of his sister.

I'm really at a loss to come up with anything original to write about Enter the Dragon that hasn't already been said a thousand times. In short, it's one awesome butt-kicking movie from the word go. Watching Bruce Lee (even in choreographed movie fights) in his prime is simply amazing. The man was like poetry in motion. The use of his body as a weapon and the controlled violence he displays are like nothing else I've ever seen. He takes Enter the Dragon from an average martial arts movie with a fairly predictable plot and makes it something for the ages. I should also give some of the credit to the supporting cast. John Saxon, Jim Kelly, Kien Shih, and the rest are more than capable in their roles. The island fortress set, the special effects, the location shots, and everything else you can name in Enter the Dragon are as good as you'll find in a genre film. I've got no hesitation in rating Enter the Dragon a 9/10.

9/10

Charlie's Angels "Angels in Chains" #1.4 (1976) (TV)

"I'm allergic to working in potato fields.", 26 June 2009

With the passing of Farrah Fawcett, I thought it was high time I revisited an episode or two from the first season of Charlie's Angels. I decided to skip around and take a look at some of my favorites. What better place to start than "Angels in Chains"? What an episode! The Angels are sent into a women's prison to investigate the disappearance of their client's sister. Once there, the girls are treated to a strip search, a delousing, potato digging, and the opportunity to turn a few quick tricks at a party. It seems the women in the prison who cooperate at the warden's little parties get special treatment. The whole thing plays like watered down Pam Grier WIP film. Farrah, Kate, and Jaclyn are all quite fabulous. They're joined by one of the better supporting casts that I can remember – featuring David Huddleston (you might not know the name, but if you're a fan of all things 70s, you'd recognize the face), Anthony James (who could play a whacko with the best of 'em), Kim Basinger, and Mary Woronov. Some of the moments that I really love are the low speed potato truck chase, watching Farrah roll around on the floor with her all too obvious fake stomach ache, Anthony James' unsubtle remarks and creepy leering at Jaclyn, and Kate's wisecrack to the guard that gets her a punch in the kidney for her effort. Fun stuff! Watching 33 years after the fact, it's hard to believe that this was scandalous back in the day. Today, it seems oddly quaint – entertaining, but quaint. I much prefer things like "Angels in Chains" to what gets past off as entertainment on television today.

8/10

Dick Smart 2.007 (1970)

Why let a little thing like the plot get in the way of this much fun?, 25 June 2009

If you're a fan of far-out Euro-Spy films from the 60s with cool sets and set-pieces, exotic locations, Margaret Lee, groovy music, and over-the-top gadgets, and if the lack of a coherent plot doesn't bother you, then Dick Smart 2.007 is a must see. Actually, I'm not sure if the plot is really all that incoherent or if the audio on my transfer was so bad that I often couldn't tell what was going on. But why let a little thing like the plot get in the way of this much fun? What I did get out of it – Lady Lister (Margaret Lee) has gathered five of the most renowned nuclear scientists in the world and stashed them in her secret, underground Brazilian lair. She has developed a means of converting coal into diamonds using a controlled nuclear explosion. She has a partner in crime, McDiamond, who sees other possibilities for Lady Lister's discovery. The CIA (at least I think it was the CIA) hires part-time super-spy Dick Smart (Richard Wyler) to put a stop to their plans.

I'm still relatively new to the whole Euro-Spy scene, but what I'm quickly discovering is that Margaret Lee is to these movies what Edwige Fenech is to the Giallo (a genre I'm much more familiar with). Any Euro-Spy movie is better simply because Margaret Lee is in it. Unfortunately, in too many of these movies she's little more than eye-candy with nothing much to do. That's not the case here. In Dick Smart 2.007, she's on equal footing with her male co-star. Speaking of her male co-star, Richard Wyler is adequate – not spectacular – just adequate. The rest of the cast was okay with me. Good pace, good action, and a lot of those quirky moments that I just love. I mean how can you not just love a spy movie with a motorcycle that transforms into a little helicopter or a submarine at the push of a button? Unlike some of the other Euro-Spy movies I've seen recently, Dick Smart 2.007 seems to have had a larger budget than normal as evidenced by the bad guy's cool underground secret base and the wonderful travelogue type shots of Brazil. Mario Nascimbene's music is another real highlight. I dare anyone to watch Dick Smart 2.007 and not be humming the music afterward. Finally, I realize these movies might not be for anyone, but I find them incredibly entertaining – bad dubbing and all. A solid 7/10 from me.

7/10

Squirm (1976)

"You gonna be da' worm face!", 11 June 2009

Squirm's plot centers on a small town in rural Georgia that has just witnessed a tremendous storm. Power lines are down and electricity is going straight into the ground forcing some dramatic and deadly changes to otherwise docile and innocuous worms. A young woman named Geri and her Yankee, antique hunting boyfriend named Mick are the only ones who seem to have a clue about what's going on and are now in a fight for their lives against the murderous worms.

I first saw Squirm about 20 or so years ago and, to be honest, didn't really care for it. At the time I suppose I would have rated it about a 3/10 (if I had been rating movies 20 or so years ago). For lack of a better word, it didn't "click" with me. Well, thank goodness for Mystery Science Theater 3000. Over the past several years, I've probably watched the Squirm episode of MST3K a half a dozen times. And each time, I've found myself enjoying the movie more and more. I may never consider Squirm one of my favorite all-time movies, but I now rate it a solid 6/10 (and still climbing). It's a nice addition to the Nature Run Amuck or the Man vs. Nature sub-genre of horror movies so popular in the 70s.

Much of what I initially disliked about the movie are the very same things I now see as positives. First off, the over-blown Southern accents really bothered me the first few times I watched Squirm. Now I realize they're not to be taken seriously. Like most everything else in the movie, the over-the-top "Southerness" of Geri, her family, and the entire town of Fly Creek is a huge asset. It adds a lot of character and overall fun to the movie. There were also a number of characters that initially really got on my nerves. From Mama to the Sheriff, I had trouble watching several of them. Over the years, however, I've grown to appreciate these eccentric caricatures and what they add to the movie. For example, I can't imagine watching Squirm without Mama's Gone with the Wind like pronouncements on everything from the weather to the seating arrangements at dinner. Next, I originally looked at the killer worm plot as being about the stupidest thing I had ever watched. But you know, I think it's supposed to be that way. The notion of rampaging worms is a hilarious, campy scream - and oh so much fun. Add to all this the really nice low budget special effects, solid acting by a group of unknown actors (for many, this was their only screen credit), wonderfully authentic Georgia locations, good pacing, and a steady directorial hand and it's amazing it's taken me this long to appreciate Squirm.

Once again, thank you MST3K for opening my eyes to this entertaining little movie.

6/10

Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll (1976)

- Los ojos azules de la muñeca rota
A very average Giallo, 17 May 2009

Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll is a decent enough Spanish Giallo with enough twists and turns in the plot to make it reasonably entertaining. The biggest problem, however, is that it lacks the style I usually associate with the genre. The set-up is wonderful – a drifter, Gilles (played by Spanish horror legend Paul Naschy), is hired as a caretaker at a house inhabited by three beautiful women – all of whom have some sort of problem. Claude has a prosthetic arm, Ivette is wheelchair bound, and Nicole is a raging nymphomaniac. Gilles arrival coincides with a series of brutal murders. Gilles has a secretive past, but is he really capable of the string of vicious deaths? Don't worry, it'll all be sorted out in the end.

First - the good. As I've already indicated, I loved the set-up. The big old house full of crazy women provides a wonderful backdrop for the film's events to unfold. The acting is okay. I was most impressed with Diana Lorys' very sympathetic performance as the vulnerable Claude. Next, the plot will keep you guessing right up to the end with its numerous red herrings. Suspicion is thrown on just about everyone. And, even though the ending comes out of nowhere and hardly seems plausible, the final reveal has one of the things I love about Gialli – the total unpredictability of the finale.

But as my rating would indicate, there are things about Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll that didn't work for me as well as they could have. First, I'm not the biggest fan of Paul Naschy. I try and try to enjoy the man's work, but for the most part, I don't see the appeal. Next, the special effects are very weak – even for a low budget Giallo. The eyes look ludicrous. Finally, as I indicated in the opening, Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll lacks that style I look for in a Giallo. Leaving out the works of Dario Argento and Mario Bava, just compare this movie with the Gialli of Sergio Martino, Luciano Ercoli, or Emilio Miraglia and you'll quickly see what I mean.

In the end, I'll give Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll a weak 6/10, verging on a 5/10.

6/10

Stranded in Space (1973) (TV)

- The Stranger
It's not hard to see why this one didn't make the network lineup, 10 May 2009

A malfunction in space sends astronaut Neil Stryker (Glenn Corbett) off course and headed to something of a parallel world, called Terra, circling the sun exactly opposite Earth. As a being from space would pose a threat to this world's order, Stryker is held until a determination can be made as to exactly what to do with him. Stryker, however, gets suspicious of his surroundings and escapes. With the help of a sympathetic nurse and a old scientist who opposes the government, Stryker will try to board a spaceship and head back to Earth.

Stranded in Space (or The Stranger if you prefer) is another of those 70s made-for-TV movies that was to be turned into a regular, weekly show. In this case, it's easy to see why it didn't make it. First off, there's nothing new about the show's set-up. It was undoubtedly designed to follow the same formula used by The Fugitive or The Incredible Hulk or Planet of the Apes. You know, a stranger constantly on the move going from one town to the next taking whatever odd job he can all the while being pursued by a government agency or newspaper reporter. It's a formula that's been done to death. The second strike against Stranded in Space is its lead, Glenn Corbett. Could this guy come across any less likable? I was rooting for him to get caught. Without sympathy for the main character, this kind of show would never work. Finally, this is supposed to be science fiction. Just because everyone is left-handed and someone has hung three fake looking moons on the horizon I'm supposed to jump to the conclusion that this is some distant planet? So it's a mere coincidence that they all speak English, dress just like people on Earth, and drive Plymouth Furies? Yeah, right.

The lone highlight for me was the inclusion of Cameron Mitchell in the cast. Sure, it's difficult to watch him in something this dreadful, but you know the old saying - any Cameron is better than no Cameron (yeah, I've never heard it either).

As with a lot of these 70s made-for-TV movies, I watched Stranded in Space courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I wouldn't call it a great episode by any stretch of the imagination, but there are a few good jokes along the way. So in the end, while I rate the movie a 2/10, it gets a 3/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

2/10

Have a Good Funeral, My Friend... Sartana Will Pay (1971)

- Buon funerale, amigos!... paga Sartana
Not a bad example of what I'm going to call a lesser SW, 10 May 2009

Sartana blows into town just after a local prospector, Joe Benson, has been murdered. Suddenly, there seems to be no shortage of buyers for the old man's land that most describe as nothing more than a pile of worthless sand. The two men who seem to want the land the most are the local crooked banker and the Chinese gambling parlor owner. But why? With Sartan's help, Benson's niece and heir plays the two potential buyers against each other looking to get the most for the land. Will she succeed? The only thing that's certain is that Sartana's going to do whatever he cam to make sure he comes out ahead.

Certainly not what I would call a top of the line Spaghetti Western, Have a Good Funeral, My Friend . . . Sartana Will Pay (let's shorten that to Have a Good Funeral for the rest of this comment) is still an enjoyable enough installment in the Sartana series. Gianni Garko is back as Sartana. He's excellent in the role and provides the character with just the right amount of mystery to throw doubt on his motivations. Even among the super human feats of other SW heroes, Sartana's abilities with a gun, a deck of cards, or being in the right place at the right time are unmatched. The supporting cast features a number of familiar faces – Helga Line and Franco Ressel being chief among them. But I was most impressed with Daniela Giordano and George Wang - the latter seemingly enjoying himself as much as anyone. Giuliano Carnimeo's direction is more workmanlike than artistic, though he does provide a visual flourish or two as Have a Good Funeral progresses. The plot has enough twists and turns to keep things interesting. And even thought the man behind the killings is easy to spot for anyone who's seen enough of these movies, it's still fun to watch Sartana figure things out. Finally, Bruno Nicolai's score is definitely a high point of the film, even if it is eerily reminiscent of some of his other work. Overall, not a bad example of what I'm going to call a lesser SW. Trust me, you could do a whole lot worse.

7/10

The Inglorious Bastards (1978)

- Quel maledetto treno blindato
Badass form start to finish, 9 May 2009

For my 1,000th user-comment on IMDb, I wanted to write about something that I not only enjoyed, but something that summed up or represented my feelings about and tastes in movies. You know, something that has my name written all over it. I considered a number of films – some bad – some good - but in the end, I decided to go with The Inglorious Bastards. Not only is it a great example of the kind of movie I go for, but I've been wanting to write something about it for a while now. And with Tarantino's re-imaging set to open this year, I definitely wanted to get my user comment written beforehand. So here it is, #1,000.

As the film opens, a group of WWII era soldiers are being transferred to a military prison to await decision on the many crimes they've committed. Murder, theft, robbery – these aren't your typical, clean-cut, all-American GIs. On the way, the MP convoy is attacked by a German plane and a band of five prisoners escapes. They immediately decide to head to neutral Switzerland and the freedom it offers. On the way, they have plenty of opportunities to kill and maim Nazis. But when they accidentally shoot a group of American paratroopers disguised as German soldiers, the Bastards decide to stand in and complete their compatriots' mission. And what a mission it is – steal a train carrying a V2 rocket.

If director Enzo G. Castellari is known for anything, it's action. And in The Inglorious Bastards, he outdoes himself. It's a testosterone injected ride from start to finish! Gun battles, explosions, vehicle wrecks, fights, falls off castle walls, motorcycle stunts – if it involves action, you'll find it here. Castellari somehow manages to keep the film well paced throughout. While the action does admittedly slow a tad in the second act, the film never bogs down and is always enjoyable. The Inglorious Bastards also features some really nice miniature work. The film's finale is especially memorable on that front. The cast is first rate. Fred "the Hammer" Williamson may be third billed, but he's the real star. Williamson's character is appropriately named Fred. Appropriate because he's pretty much playing himself – a cigar-chomping, one-line spewing, gun-toting badass. Surprising to me is that Bo Svenson is able to match Williamson scene for scene. I've never thought much of his other work that I've seen, but here, Svenson is very believable as the in control leader of the Bastards. The rest of the cast provide equally enjoyable performances. It's an excellent job by all involved.

While I can see why The Inglorious Bastards might not appeal to everyone, for me, it's a near perfect movie. I've seen some reviews nit-pick the lack of realism. Relax, this was never intended to be a documentary. It's about having a good time and enjoying yourself. Just go with it and quit being so uptight. As for those who complain about the dialogue or the editing, you're obviously not familiar with Euro movie making from the 60s and 70s. Again, just go with it. Like I said, it's almost perfect to me. In fact, I've got no problem at all rating The Inglorious Bastards a 9/10, verging on a 10/10.

So here's to 1,000 user comments. For those of you who have read and maybe even enjoyed some of what I've written, I say thanks. And look forward to more to come. On to 1,001!

9/10

Death Machines (1976)

Deliciously inept 70s trash, 6 May 2009

Fans of trashy, bad 1970s cinema gather 'round. I've found a real winner – Death Machines. Calling Death Machines "so bad it's good" doesn't begin to explain how deliriously enjoyable this movie truly is. Sure, it's bad – in fact you'd have a hard time finding anything quite so inept – but it's also an incredibly fun experience. What little plot the movie has concerns three assassins for hire – one white, one black, and one Asian (Think of the Death Machines as the Rainbow Coalition of killers - how politically correct!). These killers are all but indestructible – they're even impervious to bullets (the movie may have explained why or how, but I must have missed it). On a mission to take out a local karate studio, they inadvertently leave one man alive. They may have taken off one of his hands, but he's alive nonetheless. The police can't seem to find any leads into the karate studio killings, so it's up to our hero, Whining One Hand (as I like to call him), to bring down the gang of killers.

Oh where to start? This is one of those instances where I could easily write paragraph after paragraph about the ineptitude on display in Death Machines. But I'm not sure I can do the thing the justice it deserves. So instead, I'll summarize some of the highlights:

- The plot is little more than one set-piece after the next that only fit together because some of the characters are the same. The attack on the karate studio, the killing of the man in the phone booth, the bazooka shot at the airplane, the obligatory fight scene in the police station, and the bombing of the bank president – the only connection is that a familiar character or two appears in each scene. Otherwise, you might get the wrong idea and start to think the Death Machines actually had no real, coherent plot (wink, wink).

- The killers receive their marching orders from one of screendoms most bizarre master criminals. Madame Lee (and I only know her name by reading the credits on IMDb) is one weird cookie. To begin with, she seems incapable of opening her mouth and speaking as a normal person might. Between that, her thick accent, and the boom operator's inability to get close to her, it makes it just about impossible to understand what she's saying. And then there's that wig! Why in God's name did anyone think it would be a good look to have her wear a 12-inch high geisha wig? She looks ridiculous. Add to that her strange way of walking, her unusual choice of wardrobe, and her totally out of place facial expressions and Madame Lee is a sight that must be seen to be believed.

- The fight choreography is laughable. The opening fight scenes where Madame Lee is picking her three killers is beyond ridiculous. My 6 year-old son takes karate and I'm sure he and a few of his friends could have put together more believable fight set-pieces. And what's with the gun? Who told the white guy to bring a gun to a karate fight? And was it just me or were the opening fights rigged to ensure the racial diversity of Death Machines? White guy fighting white guy, black guy fighting black guy, Asian guy fighting Asian guy? It's too funny.

- Has there ever been a more ineffective hero than Whining One Hand? When not whining about his problems, getting beat-up by an old man in the bar he works at, or making love to the most unappealing nurse imaginable (I think I might have just thrown up a little in my mouth thinking about it), one of his lone contributions to the movie is to follow the bad guys, crawl through the tall grass, and watch as they blow up a plane and the unknown passengers therein. Does he do anything at all to try to stop the baddies? NO. He merely watches. By the time he shows up at the run-down house (that's obviously a stand-in for an opulent mansion- just use your imagination) the Death Machines have left, Madame Lee's right hand man is already dead, and yet he still manages to get attacked by the wobbly sword welding Madame Lee and her gigantic wig. What does our hero do? Again – nothing. Thank God the police were on hand to take out the dragon lady or Whining One Hand might have ended up being Whining No Hand.

On and on it goes (I haven't even gotten into the technical issues, the lack of any sort of ending, the inappropriate Casio keyboard music, or the old time gospel music played over the fight scene in the grocery store/bar). Death Machines is a real hoot of a movie that I implore all fans of bad 70s trash movies to seek out. You won't be disappointed. As for my rating, I'll be honest, rating movies like Death Machines is difficult. On one had, it's a stinker of epic proportions. But, on the other hand, I've always said that I rate movies based on my enjoyment. And with that in mind, I have to give Death Machines at least a 7/10 even with its numerous and all too obvious problems. Be warned, if the notion of a bad, plot-less 70s movie with characters that have no motivation or acting ability and big bad wigs with speech impediments doesn't appeal to you, stay away. Otherwise, enjoy!

7/10