Cyber Tracker (1994)

Lame, 12 February 2017

In the future, there's a new kind of cyborg police officer capable of catching the guilty and dealing out punishment. Senator Dilly is the main proponent behind the Cyber Trackers, but not everyone is on board. When security agent Eric (I don't know his last name) helps stop a plot to assassinate the Senator, he quickly regrets his actions when he learns what the Senator is actually up to. Eric is framed for a crime and finds himself the target of the Cyborg justice system. He joins forces with the same group of vigilantes he had previously fought to put a stop to the government corruption and overreach.

I don't know if any of that plot summary makes sense because the movie doesn't make sense. The plot is utterly ridiculous. There's no real motivation for anyone and characters just come and go. I didn't care about anything that was happening. The whole thing is obviously a cheap Terminator rip-off without anything that made that movie so good. Weak plot, poor acting, cheap special effects, badly choreographed fight scenes, and a general lack of talent from top to bottom. Apparently, the producers were under the mistaken assumption that you could make a compelling movie based on Don "The Dragon" Wilson's roundhouse kick. As Cyber Tracker proves, you can't.

2/10

Icebreaker (2000)

How'd they get that cast?, 10 February 2017

The plot in Icebreaker is such a mess that it doesn't merit much discussion. A group of terrorists descend on a Vermont ski resort looking for a downed plane carrying a nuclear device. In the end, however, the nuclear device is all but an afterthought as the head baddie sets his sights on the lesser goal of blowing up a ski gondola with one person on board. Ski patrol member Matt is on the case to stop the terrorists and save his fiancé (who is quite naturally the person on the gondola).

How in the name of all that is Holy did the makers of Icebreakers get a cast that includes Sean Astin, Stacy Keach, and Bruce Campbell? Were these guys that hard-up for work? Do they enjoy skiing so much that a free weekend on the slopes of Killington was enough to entice them? Did the producers have compromising photos? I just don't get it. Astin may be a good actor, but he's not my image of an action hero. When I think of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, and Rob Van Dam – Sean Astin is not the next name that comes to mind. Stacy Keach phones in his performance from the State line. It's obvious he has no interest in Icebreakers. As for Campbell, as much as I love him, not even he can save this thing. Bruce's charm, so evident in the Evil Dead Series or Brisco County or even Burn Notice, is not here. Like Keach, he doesn't look overly interested in the project.

But the acting's not the problem – it's the muddled plot. I watched the whole thing and still have no idea what was motivating the terrorists. They want the nuclear device simply because that's what a terrorist would do. The take-over of the ski resort seemed so unnecessary. Their plan had not gone so off-track that they still couldn't have secretly gotten their weapon and disappeared. Why bring so much attention to their activities? The answer – it's in the script. The whole thing this is a complete mess. Character motivation in Icebreakers makes absolutely no sense.

I'll give Icebreakers a generous 3/10.

3/10

The Champions "Shadow of the Panther" #1.16 (1969) (TV)

One of the best and most fun episodes I've seen so far, 10 February 2017

In Haiti, Sharron begins an investigation of a Nemesis scientist who, according to the local coroner, died of fright. Sharron soon finds herself knee-deep in voodoo and calls Tremayne for help. When Richard and Craig arrive, they discover Sharron in a zombie-like state and at the mercy of a voodoo cult.

Shadow of the Panther is one of the best and most fun episodes I've seen so far of The Champions. There's a lot here to like – an interesting plot with a couple twists, more Sharron than usual, voodoo, Donald Sutherland in a supporting role, and the able direction of Freddie Francis. I admit that a couple plot twists really worked on me. Until he unmasks, I had no idea who the cult leader was. Likewise, I thought the mystery of whether or not Sharron was really under the control of the voodoo cult was nicely done. Either I wasn't paying attention or the suspense was handled expertly. The voodoo/zombie hokum was also enjoyable. I've always liked this type of living zombie. Finally, in addition to Donald Sutherland, the supporting cast includes Zia Mohyeddin. The man plays the slimy, but knowing hotel manager flawlessly. Overall, a very good episode that I'm rating a 9/10.

A few new powers we learn of during the episode (without giving too much away) include: immunity to certain gases, the ability to predict a roulette wheel spin, and hitting a hole-in-one on a golf course.

9/10

The Champions "The Gilded Cage" #1.15 (1969) (TV)

The end could have been better, 8 February 2017

Richard is knocked on the head and kidnapped. He wakes wearing pajamas in a plush bedroom with a beautiful woman named Samantha. It seems that Richard's kidnapper is aware of his cyphering ability and wants Richard to decode a secret formula. If he doesn't, Samantha will be killed. All the while, Craig is searching for Richard.

Up to a point, The Gilded Cage is an excellent episode. There's a real sense of mystery to what's behind Richard's kidnapping. Although light on action, the drama and suspense work well. The relationships between characters is also interesting – both Samantha and Richard's relationship and Samantha and Symons' relationship. Does Richard care enough to save Samantha? Will Symons follow through and kill Samantha? Will Samantha turn on Symons? Good stuff. Also, the supporting cast in The Gilded Cage is strong. John Carson as Symons and Jennie Linden as Samantha are as good as you'll find in series. Very nice performances.

But, as I wrote, the episode is excellent only up to a point. There are two things about The Gilded Cage that I didn't care for that keep my rating from being any higher. First, and admittedly a small thing, there is no Sharron. Episodes with all three of members of the team are usually better. Second, and more importantly, as the other reviewer on IMDb wrote, the ending is weak. Craig just sort of shows up and everything ends. There is no gun play, no fighting, no chase – it just ends. Too bad because this one could have been a real winner.

6/10

The Last Shark (1981)

Why does this seem so familiar? I wonder?, 7 February 2015

Port Harbor's, a small ocean-side community, preparations are in full swing for the big upcoming windsurfing regatta. However, their plans are rocked when a local windsurfer turns up missing. The only thing that can be found is a portion of his board that appears to have been gnawed on by a rather large great white shark. The mayor is against canceling the big event. The town turns to a salty old sea captain (Vic Morrow doing his best Robert Shaw impersonation) to help capture the shark before anyone else is killed. Sound familiar? 

There's absolutely no way to hide where the inspiration for The Last Shark came from. It's as blatant a rip-off of Jaws as I've ever seen – and I've seen a bunch of them. But this one just might be among my favorites. It's so corny in parts that it's often laugh out loud funny. For years, I had read reviews on the internet of a Jaws-type cash-in with a roaring shark. Well, I finally saw it. The repeated roaring of the great white in The Last Shark every time it surfaces is the stuff of legend. It's comedy gold. The special effects are anything but special. The shark in this movie is so fake its mouth doesn't really move. The one person you see eaten is actually lowered into the unmovable jaws. The dialogue is another source of amusement. Utterly ridiculous dialogue presented with a completely straight face – I don't know how they did it. Finally, there are moments that defy description. The best example has to be the scene where the shark targets and rams a small boat from the bottom. The person on board is sent flying 20 feet in the air like a rocket just went off. You need to see it. Hysterical. 

Actually, as ridiculous as much of the movie is, I still enjoyed it – maybe for the wrong reasons at times, but it's all harmless and entertaining enough. The movie moves at a good pace and never gets bogged down and boring. There are a couple of decent acting performances and some nice location shots. I think a 6/10 for The Last shark is about fair given the entertainment I got out of it. 

One final thing I noticed, The Last Shark has to hold some sort of record for the most mustaches in a movie. Mustache-less lead James Franciscus looks out of place with the rest of the cast.

6/10

Caliber 9 (1972)

I agree - Ugo Piazza is a God!, 4 February 2017

Incredible! I haven't watched many 70s Euro-Crime films in a while, but I can't remember any being quite this good. Caliber 9 is just amazing. Almost everything about the movie is perfect. The plot is simple enough - recently released from prison, Ugo Piazza is approached by his old employers, led by the Americano, about $300,000 in cash he may have stolen and hidden. Without any other prospect, he agrees to go to work for the gang with hopes of throwing off the old suspicions. I'm seriously not going to go into any more detail - I'd hate to ruin any of the plot twists and turns for anyone who might be reading this.

Director Fernando Di Leo expertly oversees one of the more interesting films I've seen recently. The movie moves at a fantastic pace with action, interesting dialogue, and intrigue around every corner. The violence is plentiful, but not overdone (a complaint I've had in the past about some Euro-Crime films). The acting is far superior to what you'd expect in a movie of this type. Mario Adorf, Philippe Leroy, Lionel Stander, and Barbara Bouchet give some of the best performances I've ever seen from them. But, the real standout is Gastone Moschin. His steely-eyed Ugo Piazza is one of the best characters ever. The understated way Moschin plays Piazza is brilliant. Finally, I've already referred to the plot, but it is so well written, it deserves another mention. There's not a wasted scene. The final couple twists brought a real smile to my face. They're so unexpected that I was totally caught off-guard. Bravo!

Overall, Caliber 9 is a real winner. It's the kind of movie I love discovering and the reason I sit through some total garbage just hoping I'll stumble on something like this. I wish I was a real writer and could better express my feelings toward Caliber 9. I'm not, so I'll end this the way I started - incredible!

9/10

Diamond Connection (1982)

I save the 1/10 rating for movies that are so bad they offend me in some way., 2 February 2017

I save the 1/10 rating for movies that are so bad they offend me in some way. Diamond Connection is one such movie. It's an absolute cowpie of a movie with an incomprehensible plot (I'm not even going to bother going into it), poor acting, questionable character motivation, amateurish direction, horrible editing, murky cinematography, laughable sound effects, and an 80s soundtrack that will make you want to rip your ears off. It may only be 73 minutes, but it feels more like 173 minutes with half the runtime being padded with pointless chase scenes. It's a chore to sit through. Diamond Connection is a mess. 

The film does include three "names" in its cast. Poor old Gordon Mitchell is made to look ridiculous in a Middle-Eastern keffiyeh. William Berger looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here. Finally, there's Euro-fav Barbara Bouchet. She's easily the best actor in the bunch and the lone bright spot, but even she can't save this dire disaster from being one of the absolute worst movies I've encountered.

1/10

The Champions "The Search" #1.14 (1969) (TV)

How to steal a submarine, 9 December 2015

The Champions are called in to help find a stolen submarine carrying four nuclear missiles. A ransom demands $5 million in gold or London will be destroyed.

Overall, The Search is a good, exciting episode. We see The Champions use several of the abilities we've seen before - super-strength, super-hearing (tracking the guy through the woods at night was great), and telepathically communicating trouble. A couple new skills are presented: super-cipher (the ability to quickly calculate and change a missile's course) and, what I'm calling, super-hunches (the ability to locate a missing submarine by intuition without a shred of real evidence). The episode features some real drama in The Search as the nuclear missile is actually fired at London. At the time, I wasn't sure how they were going to work that out. A nice supporting cast, decent looking sets, and quick-paced direction make this one a winner.

I'm not sure why The Search has a low rating compared with some of the other episodes. I'm giving it a 7/10.

7/10

The Champions "Twelve Hours" #1.13 (1968) (TV)

Richard and Sharron go underwater, 3 December 2015

Richard and Sharron are asked to serve as bodyguards for an Eastern European leader, Drobnic, and his wife. Their schedule of activities while in the UK includes a submarine tour and ride. Richard and Sharron are unaware of the fact that a group hostile to Drobnic have placed explosives on the sub. The explosives are detonated sending the stricken sub to the bottom. With a limited oxygen supply, The Champions have just 12 hours to save everyone on board.

As my rating clearly indicates, I do not agree with the other IMDb reviewer when it comes to Twelve Hours. My biggest problem: I found much of the plot rather boring. After a great set-up where the terrorists plant the explosives, it doesn't work too well for me. The attempts to create suspense and drama felt forced. For example, after the sub sinks, almost every crew member immediately begins calling for Richard's head. None act as if they've received crises or disaster training. In reality, I would think more would have been on Richard's side. It all has a very manufactured type feeling to it. As a result, I cannot call Twelve Hours anything better than average - hence my average 5/10 rating.

5/10

North by Northwest (1959)

"How does a girl like you get to be a girl like you?", 2 December 2015

I'd like to kick myself in the seat of the pants for just now getting around to watching North By Northwest. I've been meaning to sit down with it for years and finally got around to it this week. It's a case of too many movies and too little time. Anyway, what a treat! It's Alfred Hitchcock and Carey Grant doing what they do best and treating us to one of the most entertaining pieces of film I've ever seen. I don't throw 10/10 ratings around like candy. Over the years, I've taken the time to rate 2,575 entries on IMDb. Of those, I've only given 52 (well, now 53) 10/10 ratings. To me, a movie has to be really special to deserve a 10. And North By Northwest is a very special movie.

I've read more than a few of the North By Northwest reviews on IMDb and many cover the positive aspects of the movie much better and more intelligently than I ever could. Instead of trying to write a real review, I'm just gong to make a few comments on the film:

1. I've read a few reviews that complain about the unrealistic aspects and situations in the movie. I hope no one thinks that Hitchcock was ever going for a realistic look at crime. In an interview I read, he calls the movie, "A fantasy of the absurd". I'd call it a PERFECT fantasy of the absurd. The movie flawlessly mixes action, suspense, and comedy to create a wonderfully entertaining experience. And as I've said any number of times, I watch movies to be entertained. 

2. Apparently, Hitchcock selected Grant in the lead over James Stewart. No offense meant to Stewart, but I cannot imagine anyone in the Thornhill role other than Grant. His comedic touch, mixed with his good looks, his acting ability, and his ability to play a put-upon wrong man type role make him ideal. He may not have been the "everyman" Stewart was, but there's still something in his character that makes him eminently relatable. 

3. Like any movie fan, I was aware of the crop duster scene. It's an iconic movie moment that has transcended the movie. And it's just as good as I could have hoped. But I wasn't aware of the auction scene. That has to be one of the best moments I've experienced in a movie. It's just so perfect. 

4. As much as I enjoyed North By Northwest, there are a few moments that, if they could be changed, the movie would have been even better. Chief among these is the scene fairly early on in the movie where The Professor and his cronies are sitting around a table, discussing the Thronhill situation. I feel they give away too much of the plot's twists too soon. I would have preferred to have discovered George Kaplan's secret when Thornhill does. Playing along with the character might have made a fantastic movie even better.

I'll stop. I could literally write pages. I'll sum it all up by saying that if you've never seen North By Northwest, do yourself a favor and check it out. It's not to be missed.

10/10

The Champions "The Fanatics" #1.12 (1968) (TV)

Richard goes undercover as an assassin, 28 November 2015

In The Fanatics, a string of assassinations brings Nemesis in to investigate. Richard goes undercover as an assassin, hoping to gain entry into the secretive group behind the killings. Richard discovers the name of the group's next intended target - Tremayne. Can The Champions act quickly enough to save the head of Nemesis?

As my rating would indicate, while I enjoyed The Fanatics, I don't consider it one of the better episodes. It has too many problems that I can't overlook. Still, it's an enjoyable enough experience.

A couple of things I liked: 1. Gerald Harper's Croft makes a perfect leader of the assassins. He's smart enough not get his hands dirty. Unlike those who work for him, he's in it for the money. 2. Richard gets a real chance to shine in The Fanatics. Whether its opening a booby-trapped safe, absorbing extreme punishment, or outsmarting Croft, Richard is the star of this episode. 3. The final showdown with Tremayne's life on the line is exciting. I wasn't sure how it would turn out.

A couple of things I didn't like: 1. For a secretive group like The Fanatics, they're awfully easy to find and infiltrate. And they don't have much in the way of security. Sharron and Craig just walk in after Richard incapacitates the only two people in the building. 2. While the group is called The Fanatics and a big deal is made in the pre- credit sequence, the whole "Fanatic" thing is never explained and just kind of drops. They seem more like your garden variety assassins.

In the end, I'm rating The Fanatics a 6/10.

6/10

The Champions "The Dark Island" #1.11 (1968) (TV)

Stopping WWIII, 27 November 2015

The Dark Island is an excellent episode with a plot and a band of bad guys worthy of The Champions' talents. I've complained in the past that The Champions abilities weren't necessarily needed in some of their missions. But here, they face an enemy with a plan to start World War III - sounds like a pretty worthy mission, huh? As for the baddies, The Champions are only up against a small army controlled by China - not too shabby. With lots of action, some spy type stuff, and a realistic threat, The Dark Island is a winner.

The plot sees Nemesis send The Champions to a remote Pacific island where other agents and aircraft have gone missing. Once there, The Champions find forces from the Chinese government bent on launching a nuclear missile at the United States. The US will blame the Russians and retaliate in kind - thus setting off WWIII.

Overall, a very strong 8/10 from me.

8/10

Bullitt (1968)

"You believe what you want. You work your side of the street, and I'll work mine.", 25 November 2015

As my rating indicates, I love Bullitt. I think it's mostly a brilliant movie. Other reviewers have mentioned more eloquently than I can everything I love about the movie - the uber-cool Steve McQueen; the editing, cinematography, and direction; Lalo Schifrin's score - particularly the title sequence; the car chase; the acting; Robert Vaughn (an actor who usually annoys the pants off me); and the brilliant San Frnacisco locations. I'm not going to go into detail on most of this other than a bit about McQueen. I think a lot of people (including me) remember McQueen for being the larger-than-life badass. But watching Bullitt the other night, I was reminded of just what an outstanding actor he was. There are scenes and moments in Bulllitt where McQueen is able to do more with just a nod or a look than most actors could with a dozen pages of dialogue. McQueen was often the center of attention on a screen-full of actors without ever opening his mouth. He had a real presence. He was a real actor.

There are three other things I want to mention in this comment: First, there is one plot point that really gets under my skin and I consider it a real weakness in the script. Looking at the apartment selected to keep the informant, Bullitt immediately notices the windows and the security weaknesses they provide. Why doesn't he demand a new location? Or, better yet, being Bullitt, why doesn't he just take it upon himself to find a new location? Leaving things to chance is a contradiction to Bullitt's character.

Second, I will admit there are some pacing problems in Bullitt. I don't agree with other commnetors who say the film is "boring". It may not have an unrealistic explosion every 10 seconds, but that doesn't make it boring. What you call boring, I call realistic. I get a kick out of most of the scenes where Bullitt is just standing and watching what's going on around him. I find McQueen that watchable. What I'm talking about are a few scenes that are completely unnecessary to the script. A slightly tighter script, with 10 or so minutes cut, might have made a good movie a great movie.

Third, Jacqueline Bisset really has no point in the movie. She's in some of those scenes I mentioned in the last paragraph that I felt unnecessary to the plot. She doesn't add a thing to McQueen's character or our feelings toward him. I would normally praise any movie just for casting Bisset, but here, she's wasted.

Despite the weaknesses, a strong 8/10 from me.

8/10

The Champions "The Ghost Plane" #1.10 (1968) (TV)

Plain Old Fun, 21 November 2015

The Ghost Plane isn't the best episode I've seen so far, but it sure is a lot of fun. In this episode, The Champions are asked by Western governments to investigate a mysterious high-speed plane encountered off the coast of Hong Kong. Have the Chinese developed a plane that can outdo anything the West can throw up? And is there a connection with a disgruntled English scientist? The Champions are on the trail.

As I indicated, if I used one word to describe The Ghost Plane, it would be fun. Lots of espionage, scientific mumbo-jumbo, a bunch of interesting bad guys, explosives, and a trail that leads from England to Austria to Germany to Albania. Add to that the always rock-solid Andrew Keir, and you've got a nice episode.

The Ghost Plane isn't perfect. One problem I have with this episode really highlights one of the big weaknesses in the entire series. The Champions are too powerful and, as a result, there are often contradictions and plot holes that make no sense. For example, when the two guys put Sharron in the freezer, she could have easily prevented it form happening. We've already seen her fight and defeat tougher opponents. But had she done so, the episode would have ended right there. When the writers gave The Champions their powers, they gave them too much. The Champions would have had real problems with this kind of thing had the series extended past the first season.

7/10

The Champions "The Iron Man" #1.9 (1968) (TV)

A weak episode, 16 November 2015

In The Iron Man, The Champions are sent to protect a deposed South American dictator who may be the target of assassination. 

I hate to rate an episode of The Champions this low, but I really didn't enjoy The Iron Man all that much. In fact, I had trouble paying attention it was so uneventful. The problem - the plot set-up felt tired. It felt like something I've seen a dozen times in a dozen different television shows. There's just not much new ground covered here. And the assignment is hardly worth the talents and abilities of The Champions. A good, well-trained security team could have easily handled the mission. Other than a couple of instances where superhuman hearing comes in handy, there's really not much for our heroes to do. Finally, the poor attempts at humor also hurt the episode. From the moment El Gaudillo appears on screen, you can pretty much guess what kind of character he is - a braggadocios, lecherous blow-hard with an over-inflated ego who will undoubtedly be the first to run at the sign of danger. Funny stuff (not).

I hate to do it, but a 4/10 from me.

4/10

The Champions "To Trap a Rat" #1.8 (1968) (TV)

The Champions go up against a drug syndicate, 13 November 2015

The Champions put their considerable abilities to use as they go up against a drug syndicate dealing tainted narcotics and death on the streets of London. 

To Trap a Rat is a different sort of episode. It's more "realistic" than the others I've seen so far. There aren't any nuclear devices or Chinese spy missions or old Nazis in a cave. The drug dealers presented here probably aren't that far from what you'd find on the streets in mid-1960s London. When the episode started, I wasn't too sure how it would work for me. Usually, the more outlandish the plot and set- pieces in something like The Champions, the better. But I quickly realized I was wrong. To Trap a Rat is probably my favorite episode far. 

A couple other things I liked: 1. Tracking the baddies – The way Sharron and Richard tracked down the bad guys by listening to sounds on the phone was really sweet. 2. Edina Ronay – Wow! 3. Let's go outside – not only were the plot themes realistic, but the extensive use of outside locations throughout the episode added to the realism. It's always cool to see shots of swinging 1960s London. 

A couple of things I didn't like: 1. Too many powers - It seemed to me that there were several new powers presented in To Trap a Rat that hadn't been hinted at before the episode. It just seemed so random. 2. Actually, there's not a #2. 

Overall, an 8/10 (verging on a 9/10) from me.

8/10

Agent 505: Death Trap Beirut (1966)

A poorer Eurospy effort, 13 November 2015

I'll keep this short – if I had to use two words to describe Agent 505: Death Trap Beirut it would be instantly forgettable. Nothing really stands out – the plot is a jumbled mess, the villain's motives are uninspired, the hero is rather bland, a lack of "good" gadgets, and a female lead that, while perky, brings little else to the film. But the main problem is that it's just not as much fun as other 60s Eurospy efforts like the Joe Walker or Dick Malloy movies. I realize that this is an awfully broad generalization, but I usually find West German films of this era lacking in the "fun" department.

The highlight of the movie for me has to be the shots of swinging Beirut in the 60s. What an incredible looking city it was!

3/10

Cotton Comes to Harlem (1970)

"Now, we may have broken some heads, but we never broke no promises.", 18 September 2009

Gravedigger Jones and Coffin Ed Johnson are two black cops working out of a Harlem precinct. They've got their eyes on a minister promising his poor parishioners the opportunity to travel to Africa for $100. Jones and Johnson see Rev. Deke O'Malley for the scammer he really is. But things get complicated when, during a recruitment rally, the $87,000 the good Reverend has collected is stolen by armed bandits. The only clue about the money's whereabouts is that it's been hidden in a bale of cotton. Hot on the trail of the cotton bale are the mob, the police, Reverend O'Malley, a junk dealer, a militant black group, and just about everyone else in Harlem.

The first true blaxploitation movie (there seems to be some disagreement, but I'm not sure how you could go with Sweet Sweetback's Badasssss Song as it was released a year later), Cotton Comes to Harlem is wonderfully entertaining from start to finish. It's a non-stop comedic slice of life in Harlem in the early 1970s. The movie is filled with eclectic characters, unique set-pieces, interesting music choices, and real life locations you just can't replicate on a sound-stage. The plot has so much going on that it never gets old. Ossie Davis didn't direct many films, but he does an amazing job with this, his first, effort. It's a more professional looking product than many of the blaxploitation films that would come later. The acting is a highlight and is as good as I've ever seen in a movie of this type. Godfrey Cambridge gives a memorable performance as policeman Gravedigger Jones. Cambridge manages to be the standout in a strong cast. His partner, Raymond St. Jacques as Coffin Ed Johnson, is rock solid. The pair are joined by Calvin Lockhart, the stunning Judy Pace, Redd Foxx, and a slew of familiar faces. The comedy in Cotton Comes to Harlem has held up surprisingly well. Some of it might be considered un-PC in today's overly sensitive world, but I still found myself laughing along with many scenes. Overall, it's a well made movie that I fell no hesitation in rating an 8/10.

8/10

Gamera vs. Barugon (1966)

- Daikaijû kettô: Gamera tai Barugon
Better than the usual Gamera offering, 8 September 2009

A would be jewel thief thinks he's made it big when he gets his hands on the biggest opal he's ever seen. Unfortunately for the thief (and everyone else in Japan), it's not really an opal. Instead, it's a monster's egg – Barugon to be exact. Barugon hatches and begins a reign of terror across Japan. Different theories on how to stop the creature are tested, but to no avail. Just when things seem their bleakest, Gamera shows up and takes care of the situation.

A number of comments on IMDb proclaim that Gamera vs. Barugon is the best of the early Gamera films. While I agree, it's a bit like saying I prefer a tooth ache to a root canal– neither is something I want to experience on a regular basis. In all seriousness, it's not a bad movie, it's just not a very good one. Even with their best effort, Daiei could never match Toho. Daiei's monsters look cheap and clumsy compared with Toho's. And what's up with Barugon shooting a rainbow ray out of his butt? Completely ridiculous. And the final showdown between Gamera and Barugon is way too short. Toho would have been sure this fight scene took up the major portion of the movie.

Still, like I said, Gamera vs. Barugon is better than the usual Gamera offering. Why? Well, for one thing, Gamera is really more like a bit player in the movie. I never cared for Gamera's design so the less of Gamera the better. Next, Gamera vs. Barugon is actually a reasonably intelligent movie with a somewhat interesting subplot involving the jewel thief. I realize intelligence in a Gamera movie is relative, but at least this one doesn't include the usual gaggle of small Japanese kids exclaiming, "Gamera is the friend of all children!" I never quite understood how a monster that destroyed half of Japan goes on to be every child's best friend. Finally, I actually enjoyed some of the acting in Gamera vs. Barugon. Both leads, Kojior Hongo and especially the striking Kyoko Enami give nice performances.

For what it's worth, a 5/10 is the best I can do.

5/10

The Deadly and the Beautiful (1973)

- Wonder Women
"Lady, aren't you a little tired of playing God?", 6 September 2009

Dr. Tsu (Nancy Kwan) has set up a secret research facility on an island where she has mastered various transplant techniques. She boasts she can transplant any part of the body – yes, that's right, ANY part. For a hefty sum of money, she offers the wealthy a chance for immortality by placing their brains into the body of a young, virile athlete. Her island fortress is guarded by an army of beautiful, but deadly women who also work to procure the doctor her healthy subjects. Her latest acquisition, a local jai-alai player, unwittingly draws the interest of an insurance investigator from Lloyd's of London who had a policy on the young man. In turn, he hires former CIA agent Mike Harber (Ross Hagen) to investigate. Before you can say "Ross Hagen produced this thing so you know he's going to come out looking good in the end", Harber is taken prisoner by Dr. Tsu and given the long, overly drawn out explanation of her work and her plans. In the end, Harber's powers of seduction have been enough to turn one of the women against Dr. Tsu and he escapes with the jai-alai player. The end.

What a wild piece of 70s trash! While not good in any traditional sense, that's never stopped me from enjoying a movie. There are, however, three things you ought to know before watching The Deadly and the Beautiful (or Wonder Women as it's sometimes known): it's a cheaply made Filipino film, it's got a gaggle of scantily clad beauties, and it was produced by and stars Ross Hagen. The cheap/Filipino thing doesn't really bother me. It's probably part of what makes the movie so unique. And you've just got to love the 70s porn-inspired soundtrack. Too funny. The gaggle of scantily clad beauties – I'm not going to complain about that either. Though I must admit I did laugh out loud watching the army of women with every weapon imaginable set out into the jungle wearing what amounted to the most inappropriately imaginable short chiffon mini-nightgowns. I don't think nighties are standard issue for any other army in the world. And their style of hand-to-hand combat must be seen to be believed. I've heard of all sorts of styles or martial arts fighting, but nothing quite describes the gyrations performed by Roberta Collins. Finally, I'm left with Ross Hagen. The man just has a way of turning my stomach. He reminds me a bit of a B-movie version of Chad Everett with none of the acting ability. He spends the entire movie either looking half-asleep and disinterested or ogling the women he's supposed to be fighting. There is one brief scene with Hagen that's an absolute scream. He's following the Dr. Tsu down a staircase in what can only be described as full-on flounce mode. You know, ridiculous expression on his face, arms bent at the elbow and wrist, and legs doing sort of a trot – looks a bit like he's auditioning for a part in the Village People. Too funny. And then there's the scene where Ross gets to do something called "brain sex" with Nancy Kwan. Just about lost my lunch watching Ross' faux-orgasmic squirm on that vinyl seat. Yuck!

Oh yes, as for the movie – it is what it is – a cheap piece of 70s exploitation junk that's worth a watch if you're into that sort of thing. For me, I had a great time with it. It was also cool to see Sid Haig in a different sort of role (I just realized that I have no idea what happened to his character). For all the wrong reasons, I'll give The Deadly and the Beautiful a 7/10.

7/10