The Pumaman (1980)

- L'uomo puma
"You cannot escape me!", 3 September 2009

As I've said before, you've just got to love those wacky Italians and some of their wacky cinematic "achievements". The Puma Man (or The Pumaman as the title card indicates) tells the story of Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton) who reluctantly accepts his superhero birthright. A direct descendant of extraterrestrials, he is given the power of the puma (Until I watched this movie, I had no idea that pumas could fly? Who knew?) so that he might defend the secrets of the Aztecs. One of those secrets, a golden mask that grants its possessor the power of mind control, has been stolen by the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance). With his Aztec guide Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes), The Puma Man must put a stop to Kobras' plans of world domination.

It might be screwy, but I can't help but enjoy parts of The Puma Man. The movie comes across like a twisted, no-budget mix of Superman and the U.S. television series "The Greatest American Hero". From the superhero costume that includes brown slacks straight off the rack at Sears to the poorly done rear projection special effects to the repetitive (but admittedly catchy) Casio keyboard soundtrack to the Christmas ornament-like space ship, it's obvious that the budget on The Puma Man was less that what I spent on dinner last night. But the odd thing is, regardless of how cheap looking most of the movie is, it's got a charm to it that money can't buy. And while that doesn't necessarily make The Puma Man a great movie or anything, on occasion the movie overcomes its many faults (or it might be because of these faults) and is often quite fun. The acting isn't much to write home about. Pleasance proves he could be a scene-chewer without equal. His insistence on pronouncing "puma" as "pyuma" is hysterical. Our would-be hero, Alton, is generally ineffectual. The female lead, played by Sydne Rome, while reasonably attractive, doesn't display much in the way of acting skills either. Still, given the material they're given to work with, the entire cast is serviceable. But probably the best thing I can say about The Puma Man is that it's not dull. In fact, it's well paced and generally entertaining throughout its runtime. And as I've argued so many times, entertainment is the single most important thing to me when watching movies.

Compared with most everyone else on IMDb, my rating for The Puma Man sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe I enjoy it for all the wrong reasons, but whatever it is, I do enjoy it.

5/10

Mama Dracula (1980)

Seriously, that's one of the worst excuses for a movie I've ever seen, 5 June 2009

What a load! Regardless of how bad a movie is, when I write on of these user comments, I usually try to add a touch of humor or a joke here or there (how effective I am, I don't know). But with Mama Dracula I've decided to dispense with this little habit and cut to the chase as it were. Mama Dracula is quite simply dreadful. I don't know when I've been less entertained by a movie. Most of it comes off as amateur hour at its worst. The plot is an incomprehensible mess. The best I got out of it was that it involved the old Elizabeth Bathory story, a pair of utterly ridiculous twin vampires, a doctor who has developed synthetic blood, and the search for virgins. But it hardly mattered as Mama Dracula's plot is there only to set up one lame comedic bit after the next – most involving the twin vampires played by the Wajneberg brothers. Two un-funnier human beings I've not seen – unless, that is, you find humor in an hour and a half of mugging for the camera. And what in God's name was Louise Fletcher doing in this garbage? That Academy Award certainly paid dividends for her. I can only assume she was either trying to help out a friend, hard up for cash, or blackmailed into appearing in the movie. She literally looks embarrassed in almost every scene she has. The rest of the cast is abysmal and the less said the better. You know, I'm usually not one to say something like this, but man, that's 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't walk - run if you're ever faced with the prospect of watching Mama Dracula. You'll thank me later.

1/10

Alligator (1980)

Little Ramon is all grown-up, 20 September 2007

A young girl brings a baby alligator home to Chicago from Florida. Her father doesn't care about Ramon the alligator and promptly flushes him down the toilet. After 12 years of a diet that includes the waste from a growth hormone lab, little Ramon is all grown-up. In fact, he's now a 36 foot mutant giant of an alligator. When people start going missing and random body parts start showing up, the police correctly suspect that something is going on in Chicago's sewer system. A disgraced cop named David Madison (Robert Forster) and reptile expert Marisa Kendall (Robin Riker) team up to track down the killer before more lives are lost.

I think I've asked this before, but I'll do it again – how many "Man vs. Nature" movies did the success of Jaws inspire? Almost every animal I can think of took its turn stalking and killing man. Some of these Jaws-inspired movies, like Piranha for example, are at the very least entertaining movies. Others, like Devil Fish, are complete garbage. Alligator falls into the "entertaining" category with me. That shouldn't come as a surprise as the script was written by John Sayles, who was also responsible for Piranha. Sure, Alligator might not be the kind of movie to win an award or change the world, but it is a very fun way to spend about 90 minutes. Part of the reason is that Alligator doesn't try to pretend to be anything other than it is – a simple story that attempts to cash-in on the success of Jaws. Everything from the similar music cues to the POV alligator shots as it attacks its prey to the way the alligator comes busting out of the sewer is eerily similar and reminiscent of Jaws. But can you really blame the people behind Alligator?" It worked with a shark – why not an alligator?

But Alligator has more going for it than its unabashed Jaws inspiration that other similar movies often lack. Two that I'll mention are the acting and the special effects. Both Robert Forster and Robin Riker give nice performances. Forster, in particular, plays his character with a sense of reality often missing in these kinds of movies. I particularly appreciated the very human and real touches like mentioning his receding hairline. Nicely done! As for the special effects, the alligator looks as good as a mechanical alligator in 1980 could look. It's obvious that efforts were made to present a realistic creature. Lesser movies would have probably done it "on the cheap" and the end result wouldn't have been nearly as pleasing. Again, nicely done!

7/10

Friday the 13th (1980)

"Doomed... You're all doomed.", 21 May 2006

Friday the 13th may not have been the first movie of its kind and the kill scenes may have been copied from other movies, but there's no denying the importance of the film. Friday the 13th is the film I see as most responsible for the slasher boom of the 80s. It and its sequels proved that horror fans were willing to pay money to see practically the same movie (with slight modifications) over and over. As I look back at it now, it seems a bit silly to me, but I was one of those who willing plopped down my money every few years for a chance to see another Friday the 13th movie.

I don't see any point in going through the plot. Most horror fans know it by heart. Instead, I'll cover a few of the things I like about the movie. First, the kill scenes. Tom Savini's special effects are great. I especially like the scene where Kevin Bacon is speared from under the bed. Second, regardless of the number of times I've seen it, the film does have an atmosphere of fear about it. The repetitive music, the unseen killer, and the bodies dropping at every turn have always given me chills. Third, I enjoy the final showdown between the killer and the "final girl". I've always thought the final fight scene was a highlight of the film. Finally, and this is a personal thing, but Friday the 13th was the first movie of its type I ever saw. I hadn't seen movies like Halloween or Black Christmas when I first saw this one. Therefore, it holds a special place with me.

Unfortunately, even though I'm a fan, I see problems. The biggest is the predictability of the plot. Even though Friday the 13th was made early in the slasher cycle, how hard was it to predict the outcome? Also, the characters in the movie are incredibly stupid. A lot of the murders could have been prevented if anyone at any point in the movie had demonstrated any brain power. But then it wouldn't have been so much fun.

It may not be the kind of movie the more "sophisticated" horror fan admits to enjoying, but I'm not above admitting that Friday the 13th remains a favorite of mine. It's fun stuff!

7/10

Eaten Alive (1980)

- Mangiati vivi!
Lenzi Does Jonestown, 5 April 2006

Just as I did with Massacre in Dinosaur Valley, I've probably overrated Eaten Alive. I readily admit that it's not a very good movie. But it's so bizarre and so much fun that I can't help myself. If you throw in cannibals, a religious nut, bad dubbing, and Me Me Lai, you've got a sure fired winner as far as I'm concerned.

It seems to me that Umberto Lenzi had an idea for making a film based on the Jim Jones story, but decided to spice it up by placing cannibals in the jungle. The Jonesesque aspects of the story are undeniable – a cult, under the control of a ruthless leader, set-up a jungle compound to practice their strange form of religion. The followers are kept in line through the use of physical punishment and are threatened with death if they disobey. There's even a plan to distribute something similar to the poisonous Kool-Aid used in Guyana should the need arise for a mass suicide. Even the name Lenzi selected for his cult leader – Jonas – seems to have been done so to remind viewers of what happened in the Jungles of Guyana just a year or so earlier. While the Jim Jones story had been told before, Lenzi puts in a few of his own original twists and keeps it at least interesting.

The cannibal scenes, on the other hand, lack any form of originality. It is all too obvious that most of these scenes were lifted from other cannibal films – Lenzi's and other directors. For example, Me Me's death scene is the same one from Ruggero Deodato's Jungle Holocaust. I don't mean to imply that Lenzi shot a scene similar to Deodato's. That would have required effort. Instead, Lenzi included Deodato's footage from Jungle Holocaust in Eaten Alive. And this is not the only example. Besides originality, there's no continuity. Me Me's death scenes starts out in broad daylight but suddenly shifts to a night time as filmed in Jungle Holocaust. And the fact that the cannibals never look the same in any two scenes is a bit disconcerting.

Finally, as with most of these Italian cannibal films, those who are squeamish about real animal deaths should avoid Eaten Alive. I'm certainly not a fan of these scenes either.

6/10

Don't Go in the House (1980)

Inept is the word that comes to mind, 13 February 2006

Based on a lot of what I've read about Don't Go in the House, it seems to be a Love It or Hate It kind of movie. There appears to be very little middle ground. Put me in the Hate It category. If you take a look at some of the other stuff I've reviewed and enjoyed, you'll notice I do not automatically write-off a movie because of a low budget. Some of my favorites fall into the low-to-no budget category. But what those movies have that is sorely lacking in Don't Go in the House is talent. This is one of the most inept pieces of celluloid I've watched. It comes off as some kind of lame Psycho rip-off without anything approaching entertainment to be found in the entire runtime. It's dull, poorly acting, poorly directed, and poorly scripted. I feel like I've just flushed the $11.98 I paid for the DVD down the commode.

1/10

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

"Today people want sensationalism; the more you rape their senses the happier they are.", 12 February 2006

Going into a film like Cannibal Holocaust, it's difficult to know what to expect. Anyone who has any interest has read all the hype – the most disturbing movie ever made, banned in 60 countries, real animal killings, director Ruggero Deodato had to go to court to prove the human killings weren't real, etc. What I didn't expect to discover was such a well-made film. Parts of the film are indeed very brutal and, at times, difficult to watch. There are images in the film that I won't soon forget. The story is incredibly compelling because it is so real. Tribes of Indians similar to the ones presented in this film did (and in some cases do) exist in the South American rain forests. I suppose that if someone were looking for a "deep" meaning to Deodato's film, they might point to the man vs. nature aspects of the film where nature is represented not just by the animals, but by the natives as well. I suppose one could find something in the notion of who the real savages are – the natives or the filmmakers who exploit them. But the most amazing thing about Cannibal Holocaust is that somehow Deodato has made it very beautiful.

9/10

The Octagon (1980)

Too bad the first hour is so dull, 14 August 2005

The plot in The Octagon hardly matters. Trying to follow the nuances of the story is enough to give you a headache. The plot deals with a lost brother, ninja training, a woman who has something to do with a group of terrorists, and some other hokum. It makes little sense. But that's not why people watch movies like The Octagon. The main purpose of the movie is to see Chuck Norris fight a bunch of ninjas.

I recently revisited Norris' A Force of One. Chuck's acting improved dramatically between the time he made that movie and the time he made The Octagon. He still had that unnatural style of delivery, but there was improvement there nonetheless.

The big problem with The Octagon, though, isn't the acting – it's the complete lack of anything interesting. The first hour or so is, in a word, boring. Nothing much happens. Chuck spends most of the time, like the audience, just trying to figure out what's going on. I don't think he was any more successful than I was.

4/10

Inferno (1980)

I hope Argento finishes the trilogy, 27 May 2005

As the second movie in Argento's Three Mother's trilogy, it's hard to watch Inferno without comparing it to Suspiria. And that's not really a fair comparison. Inferno has its moments of brilliance. The opening scenes as Rose (Irene Miracle) lowers herself into the flooded room are what horror movies are all about. It's easily one of my favorite moments from an Argento film, second only to the opening murder in Suspiria. The atmosphere, tension, and horror are overflowing. The first time I saw the movie, this scene had me literally squirming in my seat.

But Inferno also features what I feel are some of the worst moments to be found in an Argento film. Take the ending as an example. It's a real let down. The entire movie builds to the discovery of the second of the Three Mothers and it's over before it really gets started. Our hero (Leigh McCloskey) meets her, she transforms into Death, he runs away, and the building burns - end of movie. This evil creature whom we have waited to see the entire movie does nothing once we finally see her.

The look of Inferno is awesome. Inferno is like Suspiria on steroids. It's real eye-candy for the Argento fan. The use of colors, set direction, and lighting are about the best I've seen.

Keith Emerson's score is adequate. While it lacks some of the punch of a Goblin score, it suits the mood of the film nicely. Most of the acting is also adequate, with Daria Nicolodi's small role being my favorite. It's too bad she wasn't in more of the movie. While McCloskey and Miracle do nothing special, neither is a liability.

7/10

The Monster Club (1980)

Very Disappointing, 6 April 2005

The Monster Club is a three story anthology held together by Vincent Price and John Carradine. The first story is about a wealthy, pale faced creature with few friends who falls in love with the hired help. She turns him down and must face the consequences. The second story is about a modern day vampire hiding out from modern day vampire hunters. The third story concerns a town of the beaten path inhabited by nothing but ghouls.

Story 1 - 5/10 - It's not bad, just very predictable. With better writing, this story could make an entertaining feature length film on its own. I found the pale-faced creature to be unique and interesting.

Story 2 - 1/10 - What utter garbage. The story goes for laughs and fails at every opportunity. All of the humor is incredible obvious and, as such, I found it insulting. It's a shame that a talent like Donald Pleasence and Britt Ekland were wasted on drivel like this.

Story 3 - 6/10 - Easily the best and most chilling of the stories. While the ghouls are not particularly scary looking, the continued and relentless attacks are effective scenes. The ending is a good piece of irony.

The In-Between Bits - 1/10 - How embarrassing for Price and Carradine to be stuck in a mess like this. You can buy better looking monster masks at Wal Mart. The music that played between each story was especially rancid.

Take the four rating, add them together, and divide by 4. The result - 3/10.

3/10

The Changeling (1980)

Nice haunted house flick, 13 February 2005

George C. Scott plays John Russell, a fairly well known composer who has recently lost his wife and daughter in an auto accident. To begin his life again, he decides to move and start teaching. He rents an old house from the local historical society. It's not long before he realizes that something is not quite right with the house. The house seems to be haunted. Russell learns that the spirit haunting the house is that of a young boy. A boy that insists he was murdered in the house.

This is one of the better haunted house movies I've seen. In fact, I would rank it in the top five haunted house films of all time. The large, old house, with its hidden attic, makes the perfect setting for this kind of movie. The backstory of the boy that died and the house's history are presented in a series of very spooky and effective flashbacks. Other moments that really stand out in my mind are the ball bouncing down the stairs on its own and the wheel chair chase scene. The ball bouncing scene, in particular, is one of those very subtle creepy moments that can make a movie like this.

The Changeling co-stars Melvyn Douglas in one of his last movie roles. It's a real treat to watch him at this point in his career. Back in 1932, he appeared in a one of my favorites - The Old Dark House.

8/10