The Deadly and the Beautiful (1973)

- Wonder Women
"Lady, aren't you a little tired of playing God?", 6 September 2009

Dr. Tsu (Nancy Kwan) has set up a secret research facility on an island where she has mastered various transplant techniques. She boasts she can transplant any part of the body – yes, that's right, ANY part. For a hefty sum of money, she offers the wealthy a chance for immortality by placing their brains into the body of a young, virile athlete. Her island fortress is guarded by an army of beautiful, but deadly women who also work to procure the doctor her healthy subjects. Her latest acquisition, a local jai-alai player, unwittingly draws the interest of an insurance investigator from Lloyd's of London who had a policy on the young man. In turn, he hires former CIA agent Mike Harber (Ross Hagen) to investigate. Before you can say "Ross Hagen produced this thing so you know he's going to come out looking good in the end", Harber is taken prisoner by Dr. Tsu and given the long, overly drawn out explanation of her work and her plans. In the end, Harber's powers of seduction have been enough to turn one of the women against Dr. Tsu and he escapes with the jai-alai player. The end.

What a wild piece of 70s trash! While not good in any traditional sense, that's never stopped me from enjoying a movie. There are, however, three things you ought to know before watching The Deadly and the Beautiful (or Wonder Women as it's sometimes known): it's a cheaply made Filipino film, it's got a gaggle of scantily clad beauties, and it was produced by and stars Ross Hagen. The cheap/Filipino thing doesn't really bother me. It's probably part of what makes the movie so unique. And you've just got to love the 70s porn-inspired soundtrack. Too funny. The gaggle of scantily clad beauties – I'm not going to complain about that either. Though I must admit I did laugh out loud watching the army of women with every weapon imaginable set out into the jungle wearing what amounted to the most inappropriately imaginable short chiffon mini-nightgowns. I don't think nighties are standard issue for any other army in the world. And their style of hand-to-hand combat must be seen to be believed. I've heard of all sorts of styles or martial arts fighting, but nothing quite describes the gyrations performed by Roberta Collins. Finally, I'm left with Ross Hagen. The man just has a way of turning my stomach. He reminds me a bit of a B-movie version of Chad Everett with none of the acting ability. He spends the entire movie either looking half-asleep and disinterested or ogling the women he's supposed to be fighting. There is one brief scene with Hagen that's an absolute scream. He's following the Dr. Tsu down a staircase in what can only be described as full-on flounce mode. You know, ridiculous expression on his face, arms bent at the elbow and wrist, and legs doing sort of a trot – looks a bit like he's auditioning for a part in the Village People. Too funny. And then there's the scene where Ross gets to do something called "brain sex" with Nancy Kwan. Just about lost my lunch watching Ross' faux-orgasmic squirm on that vinyl seat. Yuck!

Oh yes, as for the movie – it is what it is – a cheap piece of 70s exploitation junk that's worth a watch if you're into that sort of thing. For me, I had a great time with it. It was also cool to see Sid Haig in a different sort of role (I just realized that I have no idea what happened to his character). For all the wrong reasons, I'll give The Deadly and the Beautiful a 7/10.

7/10

Policewomen (1974)

Another movie I really wanted to like, 7 March 2008

Policewoman Lacy Bond (Sondra Currie) longs for more interesting and meaningful assignments than guarding female prisoners. After almost single handedly thwarting a mass prison escape, Lacy catches the eye of her superiors and is finally given her big chance. Her assignment – go undercover to bust up an all-girl smuggling ring. But she better be careful, because this gang is deadly.

I loved the opening prison break scenes. They had a quirky feel to them that worked. After the first 10 minutes, I thought for sure I had found a winner. But after getting off to a great start, once the real plot kicks in, Policewomen loses steam. What should have been a wild, fun ride turns into . . . well, in a word, it gets boring. The plot has way too much talk and not enough action or sleaze. The case that Lacy Bond finds herself involved in isn't terribly interesting. I can't really blame Sondra Currie. She may not be the best actress I've seen (in fact, she's downright bad), but she sure does give it her all. I am happy, however, to see that after Policewomen she went on to have a good career. The casting of Elizabeth Stuart as the ring-leader Maude and Phil Hoover as her boyfriend Doc was an interesting choice. I'm not saying it was a good choice, just interesting. Policewomen also features some of the sloppiest editing I've run into recently. Big, obtrusive splices right in the middle of action scenes. It's pretty obvious that Currie and the other actors had problems with the action so cuts had to be made to set-up and finish a scene. It's really weak. The film's final scenes do help redeem the movie somewhat, but not enough to make me call the movie "good". For what it's worth, I've rated Policewomen a very generous 4/10.

4/10

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965)

"The point is of no return and you've reached it!", 1 March 2008

If you take a look around the internet at all the reviews for Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! you'll undoubtedly see the movie examined from every conceivable angle. You'll see some very learned people going on and on about female empowerment or the impotency of man or other similar topics. Don't worry – I'm not going there. So leaving behind all the sociological and psychological mumbo-jumbo, Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is just one cool, wildly entertaining movie. Not plain old cool, but uber-cool. This is trash cinema at its very finest. For me, Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is about as straight forward as you can get. It's a movie about three women, three cars, six breasts, the desert, and a whole lot of violence. It doesn't get much simpler, or better, than that.

There are so many things I want to say about Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! that I don't really know where to begin. I guess I'll start with Russ Meyer. From the opening voice-over narration followed by the three larger than life go-go dancers, Meyer gets Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! off to a kick in the rear sort of start. And he never lets up. Meyer keeps the images and pace coming fast and strong. After watching the movie, I'm amazed at what he was able to do with a budget that was probably less than what I spent on our last family vacation. Meyer uses his camera in a variety of unusual and surprising ways. I doubt I could think of a single angle he didn't use to shoot his three female leads. And Meyer filled the movie with some very interesting, almost ethereal, images. There are some shots of Varla during the race sequence with her hair blowing in the wind as she laughs with the utter delight of the situation that are like works of art. The fact that these close-ups are obviously stage-bound and the car is being rocked by some prop guys only adds to the surreal feeling. I've never seen anything quite like it.

Speaking of having never seen anything like it, there's nothing quite like Tura Satana, Haji, or Lori Williams. Once you've seen them, you'll never forget them. I can honestly say I was impressed with all three – and not just with their obvious physical assets. Each gives a more than serviceable, realistic performance. Of the three, however, Satana stands out. Is there a single scene in which she appears that she does not totally dominate? From the ample cleavage to the straight jet-black hair to the make-up to the clothes to that man-eater attitude – she's absolutely mesmerizing.

What else impressed me? Here's the quick list to save some time: the music (both the jazzy, "loungey" score that runs through most of the movie and The Bostweeds title track); the often unexpected outbursts of violence; the dialogue (Tarantino wishes he could write dialogue half this cool); and the whole 60s go-go feel to the movie. It's just about perfect!

10/10

Malibu High (1979)

Trashy and fun, 23 February 2008

She's lost her boyfriend, she's failing her classes at school, and she has no money. What's Kim Bentley to do? The answer is obvious – become a hooker. But sex for money is just the first step for this high school student. In no time at all, she's a contract killer.

Writing about Malibu High is difficult. On the one hand, the movie is incredibly trashy and has no real redeeming characteristics whatsoever. It's all so sleazy. A high school student turned prostitute turned killer – it's almost repulsive. However, on the other hand, Malibu High is a blast. Some of what I found enjoyable may have been unintentional, but the movie is just too much fun. A high school student turned prostitute turned killer – how awesome is that?

Malibu High is low-budget film-making at its best (or worst as the case may be). The production values are bottom of the barrel. Lighting, sound, sets, etc. are laughably bad. Much of the music is so inappropriate that it's often hysterical. My favorite had to be the theme from The People's Court playing during the film's climatic chase scene. The acting . . . what's the point? It's terrible too.

Finally, one thing in Malibu High that cracked me up repeatedly was the reaction that almost every male character had to Kim Bentley. The guys in this movie must not get out much if they consider her a hottie. There's a scene with Kim going into school in all of her slump-shouldered, figure-less glory. The cat calls had me in stitches.

7/10

Las Vegas Lady (1975)

A waste of some perfectly good cleavage, 20 February 2008

There's really not a lot to say about Las Vegas Lady. It's harmless enough, but it is little more than a dull heist film from the 70s. The movie is neither as clever nor as sexy as it strives to be. The plot is a retread of the tired old casino robbery storyline that's been done to death. Except in the case of Las Vegas Lady, I think the robbery plot was designed by a 3 year-old. The plan involves three women – one to unnecessarily and in plain view scale the outside of the Circus Cicus building, one to pose as a waitress only to blow her cover at the first opportunity, and one to stand around exposing her cleavage. That's pretty much it. Intricate, huh? Other than Stella Stevens and her aforementioned breasts, the other women involved in the plot aren't particularly memorable. Las Vegas Lady co-stars Stuart Whitman. When not pawing Stevens, his involvement in the movie is highlighted by one of the most idiotic gun fights ever put on film.

I really wanted to like this movie. It does have that 70s feel to it that I always enjoy and some nice shots of Las Vegas circa 1975. But the movie itself is too dull to rate any higher than a 4/10 – and that's probably overstating it. In the end, Las Vegas Lady is a waste of some perfectly good cleavage.

4/10

Girl in Gold Boots (1968)

"I had a pretty mind! Oh God, I wish I had my pretty mind back.", 7 February 2008

Michele Casey (Leslie McRae) has bigger plans for her future than working at her father's diner in the middle of nowhere. She dreams of being a dancer. When a smooth-talking lowlife named Buz Nichols (Tom Pace) offers her a ride to Los Angeles, she jumps at the chance. Along the way, the pair meet up with a draft dodger named Critter (Jody Daniels) who's also looking to get to L.A. Michele ends up getting a job dancing with Buz's junky sister at a club called the Haunted House. The club is run by some of the greasiest customers to ever use Vitalis. They've soon got Buz dealing dope for them. Can Michele escape the squalor her life has become or will she be dragged into the gutter?

Girl in Gold Boots is a difficult movie for me to rate. On the one hand, it's the kind of movie that makes you feel like taking a shower. It's a greasy experience. One scene in particular in the movie perfectly illustrates this effect on me. Buz's sister (the druggy) has almost passed out and is on the floor. There's a camera shot looking up from her perspective at her slimy boss. In the background just over his head is a giant brown stain on the drop-tile ceiling. It's nasty and disgusting but looks like most everything else in Girl in Gold Boots. I would like to think that the director, Ted V. Mikels, carefully chose this shot to use the brown stain as a representation of sorts for the character standing under it. But that's probably giving Mikels way too much credit. My guess is that the stained ceiling came with the location they were using. As nasty as it looks, it fits nicely with the rest of the movie.

But I've rated Girl in Gold Boots a 6/10 so it should be obvious that I found something about the movie to enjoy. It's hard to put finger on, but something about the story, the characters, and the incredibly lame dancing actually works for me. Some of it may be in the at "so bad it's good" sort of way, but whatever, I find it entertaining. I suppose this is one of those cases where comparing the movie to a train wreck is appropriate – it's hard to look away. However, be warned – based on the IMDb rating of 2.8, it's obvious that I'm pretty much alone on this one.

Girl in Gold Boots is one of those movies that I've seen both with and without the MST3K commentary. My opinion of the movie remains unchanged whichever way I watch it. The MST3K commentary itself is very funny. I rate Girl in Gold Boots a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

6/10

The Teacher (1974)

Not like any teacher I ever had, 4 September 2007

I can't believe how much fun I had watching The Teacher. They don't make 'em like this anymore. Having recently graduated from high school, 18 year-old Sean (Jay North) has one last summer at home before he heads to college. He discovers quite the novel way to spend his time – he begins having an affair with his 28 year-old blond knock-out of a teacher, Diane Marshall (Angel Tompkins). Things would be great for the couple if it weren't for a crazed Vietnam veteran named Ralph (Anthony James) who not only has the hots for Diane, but also blames Sean for his brother's death. Sean's had enough and decides to confront Ralph – whatever the consequences.

The Teacher is 1970s sleazy, grimy, soft-core film-making at its best. Writer/director Howard Avedis handles the plot with the casual style you would expect in the free-love 70s when 18 year-olds were treated like adults. The acting is surprisingly strong. Jay North and Angel Tompkins give much better performances than I would have expected. Tompkins is a real revelation to me and I look forward to discovering more of her work. Veteran character actor Anthony James literally steals every scene in which he appears. Avedis mixes in just enough sex, sleaze, and thrills to keep the whole thing interesting throughout. Finally, I've read complaints on the internet about the films ending. Well, I loved it. It really caught me off guard. Sure, it's as melodramatic and, ultimately, cheesy as they come - but that's what works for me. I wouldn't want The Teacher to have ended any other way.

7/10

Hollywood After Dark (1968)

- Walk the Angry Beach
So wretched that I felt like retching, 17 August 2007

A junkyard owner is approached by two hoods to help them with an armored car heist they have planned. Although hesitant at first, he agrees after meeting and falling for a stripper trying to break into acting. He wants the money to help her get away from the seedier side of Hollywood. The robbery goes off as planned, but the would-be criminals turn on each other with disastrous consequences.

I've seen a lot of bad movies over the years, but only a handful fall into the I-want-to-gouge-my-eyes-out category. Hollywood After Dark is one such movie. It's bottom of the barrel in every respect. The acting is horrendous; the plot is a disaster; the direction is Coleman Francis-ish; the stripper scenes are mind-numbingly awful; and on it goes. Hollywood After Dark is a tawdry, dirty, and depressing mess of a movie. I wasn't sure when the movie ended if I should take a shower or slit my wrists. It's that bad!

And if the movie wasn't already wretched enough, just wait until Rue McClanahan takes the stage for her burlesque number. That's right – Golden Girl Rue McClanahan is a stripper! It's one of those moments that I could have gone all my life without seeing. Now that I've got that visual back in my head, add retching to my list of things I thought about doing after watching the movie!

1/10

Black Candles (1982)

- Los ritos sexuales del diablo
All the sleaze in the world can't save this movie, 4 August 2007

When Carol (Vanessa Hidalgo) starts looking into her brother's death, she begins to suspect something more sinister than "natural causes". The closer she gets to the truth, the more of a threat she becomes to her sister-in-law, Fiona (Helga Line), and the rest of the local Satanists. They'll do whatever is necessary to put a stop her nosy ways.

If you're into sleazy, Satanic-themed movies, Black Candles has a lot to offer. The movie is filled with plenty of nudity and ritualistic soft-core sex. One scene in particular involving a young woman and a goat must be seen to be believed. Unfortunately, all the sleaze in the world can't save Black Candles. Most of the movie is a total bore. Other than the one scene I've already mentioned, the numerous sex scenes aren't shocking and certainly aren't sexy. The acting is spotty at best. Even genre favorite Helga Line gives a disappointing performance. The plot really doesn't matter. Its main function seems to be to hold the string of dull sex scenes together. I'm only familiar with one other movie directed by Jose Ramon Larraz. Compared with his Daughters of Darkness that masterfully mixes eroticism and horror, Black Candles comes off as amateurish. 3/10 is about the best I can do.

3/10

Northville Cemetery Massacre (1976)

Low-budget film-making at its best, 18 April 2007

Wherever they go, the members of the motorcycle club known as The Scorpions seem to wind up the target of local law enforcement. They can't even drive their motorcycles down the road without drawing unwanted (and unneeded) attention of the local "pigs". But things escalate during a Scorpions wedding in the middle of the field. A girl is raped in a nearby barn and the police and the girl's parents blame the bikers. A few of the local yahoos, including the real rapist and the girl's father, decide to take matters into their own hands. Regardless of the Scorpions' guilt or innocence, the stage is set for a final showdown.

Northville Cemetery Massacre proves that you don't need a big budget to be effective. On a budget of about $1.58, Northville Cemetery Massacre is able to be an entertaining, thought provoking, and unique experience. This is low-budget film-making at its best. Northville Cemetery Massacre's got more atmosphere than a movie with 100 times the budget (actually, I think the movie's low budget helped to contribute to this). I usually reserve the word "atmosphere" to describe horror movies, but it is more than appropriate here. The movie comes off as gritty, dirty, and very realistic. Most of the cast is made up of the members of a real biker gang from Detroit. These aren't actors. And while it does show negatively in some scenes, overall, the real bikers add a sense of realism you couldn't get from a bunch of Hollywood actors. They dress, talk, look, and act like bikers. The final showdown is very nicely done with action, gunplay, and blood galore. And I thought the special effects looked great. I wouldn't doubt that most all of that $1.58 budget I mentioned went into the final scenes. Finally, another highlight is the score by Mike Nesmith (yeah, that Mike Nesmith). Most similarly budgeted films do not have music this good.

If you're into low-budget 70s exploitation, Northville Cemetery Massacre is one you shouldn't miss.

7/10

Stray Cat Rock: Sex Hunter (1970)

- Nora-neko rokku: Sekkusu hanta
Meiko Kaji impresses again, 17 April 2007

When one of the local girls starts dating a "half-breed", the local guy gang (The Eagles) doesn't think much of it. The Eagles start of campaign of terror directed at mixed race couples and individuals they deem to be not of "pure" Japanese heritage. It's up to the leader of the local girl gang and a "half breed" named Kazuma to stand up to The Eagles – even if they have to die for what's right.

While Stray Cat Rock: Sex Hunter is a decent enough movie, it's not the movie I was hoping for. I'm relatively new to the Japanese exploit movies of the 70s having only recently watched three of the Female Prisoner #701 movies. Since Meiko Kaji stars in both and Yasuharu Hasebe directs in both, I was hoping Stray Cat Rock: Sex Hunter would be similar in tone to Female Prisoner #701. And while it has its moments (a couple of fight scenes, the rape party, and the jeep chase for example), the movie is far too serious in its focus to be as much fun as I hoped. More girl gang action and less racial tension would have gone a long way to making this one a real winner.

The highlight of the movie for me has to be Meiko Kaji. I've now seen her in five different movies (this one, the three Female Prisoner #701 movies, and Lady Snowblood) and she never fails to impress me. She's an actress I hope to see more of in the future.

6/10

The Curious Dr. Humpp (1969)

- La venganza del sexo
"Sex dominates the world! And now, I dominate sex!", 6 August 2006

Curious? Yes. And weird, odd, bizarre, and maybe even a little eclectic. It certainly is one strange movie. The Curious Dr. Humpp has one of the craziest plots I've seen. Dr. Humpp is working on an experiment to increase the libido of women to basically turn them into braindead nymphomaniacs. With the assistance of his lumbering army of monsters, he kidnaps men and women and forces them to have sex. He extracts some sort of fluid from the bodies of his test subjects at the moment of climax that he uses to keep from turning into a monster himself. Other than the fact that Dr. Humpp has a brain in a jar in his laboratory that talks to him and directs his actions, that's about it.

The Curious Dr. Humpp isn't what I would call a "good" movie on any level. Much of the movie is so inept that it fits nicely beside the better known works of a director like Ed Wood. Director Emilio Vieyra seems to have gone to the Jess Franco school of movie-making with the out of focus shots, unnecessary camera zooms, and filming random objects that have no bearing on the plot. The biggest flaw in The Curious Dr. Humpp are the numerous and incredibly dull sex scenes. I've read that these scenes were inserted after the initial production – and it shows. These scenes destroy whatever flow or pacing the movie might have had.

Even with its numerous weaknesses, The Curious Dr. Humpp is a movie that will appeal to those looking for something a little different and off the beaten path. It may not be "good" in the traditional sense, but there's no arguing that it is fascinating. You don't often run across a movie like this everyday.

5/10

The Doll Squad (1973)

It never goes far enough, 26 July 2006

The Doll Squad is a specially trained group of women who kick butt for the government. When a NASA rocket is blown-up after takeoff, the CIA calls in The Doll Squad to find out who's behind the sabotage and put a stop to it. To do this, the women must infiltrate a secret and heavily guarded island belonging to Eamon O'Reilly, an ex-CIA agent turned would be world dominator. Can The Doll Squad succeed in their mission?

The Doll Squad could have been great. It's got a lot of that 70s exploitation feel to it, but it never goes far enough. It's as if director Ted V. Mikels takes things to the edge but never lets the movie go over-the-top into some really cheesy good territory. With a little more camp, it could have been a winner. The Doll Squad is also surprisingly tame. Amazingly, the women stay button-upped throughout. You won't confuse them with a band of vestal virgins, but it's not the skin flick you might expect.

Production and technical aspects are non-existent. Special effects are far from "special". The rocket isn't the only explosion in The Doll Squad and, unfortunately, they all look identical – a giant wash of red color covers objects as they disappear. The scene framing is laughable. Many of the interior scenes were shot in a normal, everyday looking house (not dissimilar to one my aunt live in). Characters routinely disappear behind low hanging chandeliers during the middle of a conversation. And, I'm not sure "acting" is the right word for what's going on in this movie. Mikels has said that Aaron Spelling all but ripped-off The Doll Squad when he made the television show Charlie's Angels. One difference is that Farrah and Company came across as award winning actresses compared with what's presented in The Doll Squad.

So if it's as bad as I've written, why haven't I rated The Doll Squad lower than a 4/10? Well, while it never goes over-the-top as I would have preferred, there still some enjoyable set-pieces. And, any movie as goofy as this is bound to be filled with some of those "so bad it's good" moments. Watching a woman with a machine gun take out a gang of hard-charging guards with weapons drawn (who never get a shot off, by the way) is a pretty fun thing to watch.

4/10

Man from Deep River (1972)

- Il paese del sesso selvaggio
For a "cannibal" film, it's surprisingly touching and sad, 18 June 2006

It's amazing that the relatively tame Man from Deep River spawned the whole Italian cannibal sub-genre. I use the word "tame" because in comparison to other similar films it's just that – tame. Sure, there are a few scenes of over-the-top cannibal violence and real animal deaths, but they are not the focus of the movie. The scenes of violence that give the Man from Deep River its notoriety could have been excluded and the movie would have probably been just as good. The main benefit to the movie of these scenes is to provide a sense of realism.

The main plot concerns a man who at first is held prisoner by a primitive tribe only to become accepted by the tribe and, in turn, accept the tribe as his own. Other commentators have spoken of the movie's similarity to something like Dances with Wolves and it's an accurate comparison. Ivan Rassimov is quite good in the Kevin Costner role. Other than his incredibly bad dye job that remains with him throughout the film even though at least a year of time passes, he's believable. A pre-boob job Me Me Lai has the Mary McDonnell role. She not the greatest actress you'll ever see, but at least here she does look more authentic as a native than she does in later cannibal films with her perfect make-up and over inflated chest. The rest of the cast, made up of locals and real tribes-people, are surprisingly effective.

Another surprise is the way Lenzi allows the relationship between Rassimov and Me Me to grow believably throughout the movie. Too often, films like Man from Deep River just expect the viewer to accept the fact that the best looking native woman immediately and without reason falls for the white male intruder. The relationship in Man from Deep River is interesting and a far cry from what you'll find in other cannibal films. For what is essentially an early 70s Italian exploitation film, it's actually quite touching and sad.

6/10

C.B. Hustlers (1976)

It's so deathly dull that it's not even unintentionally funny, 1 June 2006

If you're looking for entertainment, look elsewhere. Here's what you'll find in C.B. Hustlers – a dozen or so vans, C.B. radios, and three decent looking women playing hookers. What you won't find is a plot, acting ability, production values, comedy, or much of anything interesting. In short, C.B. Hustlers is about as bad a movie as you can find. And it's so deathly dull that it's not even unintentionally funny. If you're idea of a good movie consists of long shots of a half dozen vans parked in a field with a bunch of unknown people walking around drinking beer, then you're in luck. About 15 minutes of C.B. Hustlers short runtime is made up of just such a shot. Entertaining? I don't think so.

1/10

Cannibal Ferox (1981)

"Oh God, please let her die soon. Oh, let her die soon. And let me die soon too, please.", 27 May 2006

Maybe I've seen too many of these cannibal films in a short amount of time, but in many respects, Cannibal Ferox seems like the same old thing I've already seen. I mean there are only so many alligators that you can watch being gutted before it gets a little repetitive. It's not that Cannibal Ferox is the worst example of this particular Italian sub-genre, it's just not overly original – the same basic plot, similar music, and plenty of over-the-top bloodletting. I have nothing to back this up but I get the feeling that director Umberto Lenzi was trying to outdo Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust. And in some respects, he succeeds. There are plenty of moments of outrageous violence, highlighted by the scene where one of the characters is hung by her breasts. Ugh! This is only one of a couple of dozen scenes that had me feeling very uncomfortable. As a gory cannibal film, Cannibal Ferox is a winner, but violence is the only area where Lenzi's film approaches Deodato's film. I'm not sure how to express this or if it's even appropriate when discussing cannibal movies, but Cannibal Ferox lacks the artistry and beauty I find in Cannibal Holocaust. There is a sense of "style" missing from Cannibal Ferox.

6/10

The Beauties and the Beast (1974)

It's like a guy wearing a black bathroom rug and false teeth, 16 May 2006

I'm not sure if Beauties and the Beast is a movie or just a compilation of someone's home movies. The plot, if you can call it that, involves a Bigfoot type creature terrorizing a bunch of hippies and nudists in the woods. The creature looks more like a guy wearing a black bathroom rug and false teeth than an actual Bigfoot. He kidnaps girl after girl taking them to his blanket furnished cave. He gropes them a couple of times and that's about it. I have no idea what happened to this girls or if they ever escaped. This film doesn't bother with things like that. In reality, Beauties and the Beast is a cheap, poorly made, and horribly acted excuse of a softcore porn film. Everything is simply awful. I can't think of any reason, and that includes the generous supply of nudity, to recommend this one to anyone. It's just so gawd awful! And if you must watch this thing, beware of the soundtrack. It's a two pronged assault against the senses. First, there's the generic, overly-sappy elevator music. It almost put me to sleep on a couple of occasions (that, and the dull movie). Second, one of the hippies insists on singing a folk song. I think my ears may still be bleeding.

2/10

Amazonia: The Catherine Miles Story (1985)

- Schiave bianche: violenza in Amazzonia
There are other, much better examples of the genre, 5 May 2006

I think most fans of cannibal/jungle type films will agree that Cannibal Holocaust is the Granddaddy of the genre. Amazonia: The Catherine Miles Story was originally marketed as a sequel to that film. But, Cannibal Holocaust it ain't. To my surprise, most of the reviews of Amazonia that I've read have been positive. And while I certainly found elements of the film enjoyable in the way that only a good exploitation film can be, there are far too many problems I have with the film for me to consider it much more than average at best.

What Works:

- The Gore: If you're a fan of the red stuff, Amazonia delivers. While the total number of scenes of gratuitous gore may be fewer than in some other films of this type, the gore is very well done and, for the most part, reasonably realistic. I was especially impressed with a scene depicting a human head being cut off. There are scenes in this movie that are definitely not for the squeamish.

- Plot Ideas: It may not be completely original, but I liked the idea of the kidnapped young girl living with and growing in the Headhunter society. It presents the opportunities for some interesting set-pieces.

What Doesn't Work:

- It's Not Really a Cannibal Film: Regardless of how it was marketed, Amazonia isn't really a cannibal movie. The film's only real cannibals are dispatched within five minutes of making their appearance.

- The Acting: Elvire Audray as Catherine Miles is positively wretched. Everything she does and says further reinforces the notion that she's a second rate actress. The rest of the acting is no better. One look at the courtroom scenes should be enough to demonstrate to anyone just how bad the acting is.

- A Sappy Love Story: If I sit down to watch a trashy, Euro-cannibal film, I want a trashy, Euro-cannibal film. Unfortunately, Amazonia is full of too many melodramatic, sappy moments. And that ending is straight out of a Lifetime movie. It's beyond ridiculous.

- The Headhunters: I hate to compare any film of this genre with Cannibal Holocaust, but it's hard not to. The cannibals in Cannibal Holocaust look like the real deal – wild, savage, dirty, and all but alien. In contrast, the natives in Amazonia are too clean. Most look like they've just had a shower, a shave, and a hair cut. And am I seriously supposed to believe that one of these Headhunters knows English (or Italian or whatever language)? That must have been some kind of correspondence class she was taking.

Overall, Amazonia is a weak film when compared with other movies of its ilk. It's neither as good and powerful as Cannibal Holocaust nor is it as silly and fun as something like Massacre in Dinosaur Valley. If you're a fan of this kind of movie you might find something worthwhile, but, overall, it's liable to be a disappointing experience.

4/10

Switchblade Sisters (1975)

"Get your hands off me, you fat pig dyke!", 26 April 2006

For whatever reason, Quentin Tarantino feels that Switchblade Sisters is Jack Hill's best film. And while I found a lot to enjoy in the movie, it doesn't come close in my mind to equaling some of Hill's other films like Spider Baby or the movies he made with Pam Grier. Not that any of Hill's films are set in reality as most of us understand it, but Switchblade Sisters is just too unrealistic for me rate among his best. The problem is with the casting decisions. The girl gang members aren't threatening. Why would anyone be threatened by Robbie Lee's Lace? She comes off more as a Girl Scout on her way to sell cookies than a vicious would-be killer. The other girls, from the too soft Donut to the too pretty Maggie, were no more convincing. The guys fair no better. Being stupid is not the same as being tough.

I did, however, enjoy the over-the-top plot and action sequences. The final battle between the two gangs, the skating rink scene, and Maggie stealing Crabs' medallion were all cheesy highlights of the film for me. But my absolute favorite moment comes at the very end of the film. That speech Maggie makes to the cops as they are dragging her off to jail is incredible. Yeah, sure, it's as unrealistic as the cast, but it's a lot of fun. You don't hear dialogue like this just every day – "No, let me give you some advice, cop. You can beat us, chain us, lock us up. But we're gonna be back, understand? And when we do, cop, you better keep your ass off our turf, or we'll BLOW IT OFF! Ya dig? We're Jezebels, cop - remember that name. We'll be back!" Awesome stuff!

6/10

Eaten Alive (1980)

- Mangiati vivi!
Lenzi Does Jonestown, 5 April 2006

Just as I did with Massacre in Dinosaur Valley, I've probably overrated Eaten Alive. I readily admit that it's not a very good movie. But it's so bizarre and so much fun that I can't help myself. If you throw in cannibals, a religious nut, bad dubbing, and Me Me Lai, you've got a sure fired winner as far as I'm concerned.

It seems to me that Umberto Lenzi had an idea for making a film based on the Jim Jones story, but decided to spice it up by placing cannibals in the jungle. The Jonesesque aspects of the story are undeniable – a cult, under the control of a ruthless leader, set-up a jungle compound to practice their strange form of religion. The followers are kept in line through the use of physical punishment and are threatened with death if they disobey. There's even a plan to distribute something similar to the poisonous Kool-Aid used in Guyana should the need arise for a mass suicide. Even the name Lenzi selected for his cult leader – Jonas – seems to have been done so to remind viewers of what happened in the Jungles of Guyana just a year or so earlier. While the Jim Jones story had been told before, Lenzi puts in a few of his own original twists and keeps it at least interesting.

The cannibal scenes, on the other hand, lack any form of originality. It is all too obvious that most of these scenes were lifted from other cannibal films – Lenzi's and other directors. For example, Me Me's death scene is the same one from Ruggero Deodato's Jungle Holocaust. I don't mean to imply that Lenzi shot a scene similar to Deodato's. That would have required effort. Instead, Lenzi included Deodato's footage from Jungle Holocaust in Eaten Alive. And this is not the only example. Besides originality, there's no continuity. Me Me's death scenes starts out in broad daylight but suddenly shifts to a night time as filmed in Jungle Holocaust. And the fact that the cannibals never look the same in any two scenes is a bit disconcerting.

Finally, as with most of these Italian cannibal films, those who are squeamish about real animal deaths should avoid Eaten Alive. I'm certainly not a fan of these scenes either.

6/10