Predator (1987)

"If it bleeds, we can kill it.", 12 February 2008

Watching Predator tonight, I was reminded of what an awesome decade the 1980s were for mindless, over-the-top, fun action. Predator is easily one of my favorites from the decade. Over the past few years, I've re-watched a number of my old 1980s favorites and none of them have withstood the test of time as well as Predator. The movie quite simply has it all – the guns, the explosions, the biceps, the jungle setting, the quips (used sparingly, thank goodness), the blood, and the unstoppable enemy. But most importantly, it's got Arnold. In my mind, Schwarzenegger IS 80s action.

The plot isn't overly complicated or doesn't get in the way. It's there to set up the action. The movie begins with a band of mercenaries going into an undisclosed Latin American country to rescue a couple of hostages. But there are more than the enemy guerrillas in this jungle. A strange being from another world is using this particular jungle as a base for his hunting expedition. His prey – humans.

Predator has held up over the years because of the superb and unrelenting action. It's a testosterone overload. In addition to Schwarzenegger, guys like Jesse Ventura, Carl Weathers, and Bill Duke fit nicely into the jungle setting. Every imaginable hand-held type military weapon is used at some point in the movie. No scene illustrates this quite like the one where Arnold and crew fire indiscriminately into the jungle as limbs, brush, and entire trees are knocked down from the sheer volume of their fire. Awesome stuff! Another big plus is the actual creature. The Predator design is fantastic. From his glowing eyes and blood to his use of camouflage to his array of weapons, he's one bad dude. I also appreciate the fact that a lot of time wasn't devoted to the alien's back-story. He is what he is. The only real weakness I can come up with in the entire movie is the acting. But really, who watches a movie like Predator expecting to see Oscar caliber performances?

8/10

Time of the Apes (1987) (TV)

Sandy Frank does it again, 8 June 2007

Through a freaky set of circumstances, a woman and two children are accidentally locked in a cryogenic chamber just as an earthquake hits. Once revived, they find themselves in a strange world where apes are in charge. The three soon meet up with a man named Gono who appears to be the only other living human on the planet. If they are to ever find their way back home, the humans must stick together and stay a step ahead of the apes.

As the story goes, Time of the Apes began its existence as a Japanese television show in 1974. Producer Sandy Frank saw an opportunity and cobbled a few episodes together into this mess of a movie. And a mess it is! The rating I've given Time of the Apes (3/10) is really quite generous given how bad it really is. For example, Frank's plot makes little sense. Important plot points like the flying saucer are never explained. The quality of the ape costumes and make-up is all over the place ranging from acceptable to downright tacky. And even though I realize the dialogue is dubbed, it's horrible. The children come off as especially annoying.

With that being said, I simply cannot bring myself to rate Time of the Apes any lower. While it may not be very good, it is interesting to see the Japanese take on Planet of the Apes. It's one of the most surreal examples of film-making I've seen recently. In addition, there were a few instances during the movie that I found fairly entertaining. Unfortunately, these moments were too few and far between.

Time of the Apes is another movie that I watched courtesy of MST3K. The riffs from Joel and the Bots are pretty hit and miss – some are quite funny while others just miss their mark. On my MST3K rating scale, I give this episode a 3/5 – A wishy-washy average rating.

3/10

The Living Daylights (1987)

"Why didn't you learn the violin?", 15 March 2007

After 1985's A View to a Kill, it became apparent (at least to me) that the Bond series needed a change if it was going to be viable. Enter Timothy Dalton and The Living Daylights. What a breath of fresh air! With Dalton, Bond was changed from a smarmy, one-line spewing 00 agent without the physical presence to any longer play the role into a more serious, mysterious, and athletic figure. Dalton's Bond may come out with a clever line here and there, but he's far form the ridiculous quip machine that Moore had become. And to top it off, The Living Daylights sees Bond returning somewhat to his roots and actually doing a little spy work. Imagine that – Bond as a spy!

The Living Daylights isn't the perfect Bond film. Neither General Koskov (Jeroen Krabbe) nor Brad Whitaker (Joe Don Baker) make for very threatening Bond villains. They come off more as clowns than men to be feared. Also, even though I enjoy Maryam d'Abo's work in the movie, her Kara Milovy is a little too helpless as written. But any weaknesses I see in The Living Daylights are more than offset by the movie's strong points. Some of the various set-pieces are wonderful. I'm particularly fond of the clever method used to get Koskov into the west. And that final fight scene in the airplane is one of the best found in any of the Bond movies. The plot is interesting and just complicated enough to keep you guessing throughout The Living Daylights. Just when you think you've got things figured out, the plot throws another curve ball. Most of the acting is excellent. Even though it was Dalton's first time in the role, I think he nails it. John Rhys-Davis, in a much too small of a role, and Art Malik really standout and deliver a couple of nice performances. As should be evident, the positives easily outweigh the negatives as far as I'm concerned.

I'm one of those who hate the fact that Dalton was only given the opportunity to play James Bond twice. I would have liked to see what he would have done with the role given more time in it.

8/10

Jane and the Lost City (1987)

My one word review - Uneven, 21 May 2006

Jane and the Lost City is the story of a band of plucky but incompetent band of Allies in a race to fortune in diamonds with an equally incompetent band of Nazis. Along the way, both groups run into a series of mildly amusing adventures and situations, including title character Jane's ability to lose her clothing at the most inopportune moments. As I've never seen the comic strip Jane and the Lost City is based on, I probably don't have the proper context in which to place this movie. That's no necessarily a bad thing as I also have no preconceived biases. The entire thing is played for laughs. Unfortunately, the comedy sequences in Jane and the Lost City are too uneven for me to rate the film any higher. While some of the comedy worked (the tango scene is hysterical), some of it fell flat (most everything Nazi henchman Hans did wasn't funny in the slightest). The acting is also uneven and ranges from really good (Graham Stark as the butler Tombs) to dreadful (Kristen Hughes as Jane). Overall, I like the idea behind Jane and the Lost City, but more consistency in the writing and acting would have made this one much better.

5/10

Opera (1987)

A must for fans of eye trauma, 25 March 2006

Betty is an understudy for the lead in a production of Verdi's Macbeth. When a car mysteriously hits the lead, Betty is thrust into the spotlight. Opening night is a smashing success and Betty decides to leave the after-party to celebrate in private with her boyfriend. But when the boyfriend leaves the room, Betty is grabbed from behind by an unknown black-gloved, masked figure. The unknown assailant ties Betty to a column, gags her, and places needles under her eyes that will cause incredible damage and pain should Betty close them. The boyfriend returns to the room and is stunned to see Betty in such a predicament. He's even more shocked when the killer grabs him and shoves a knife through his lower jaw with such force, the tip of the knife can clearly be seen in his mouth. And Betty has been forced to watch all of this. So begins Betty's terrifying ordeal with a killer not just intent on hurting her, but also on forcing her to watch as he mutilates her friends.

Opera gets classified as a Giallo, but to me, it differs in quite a few ways from the model. Less emphasis is placed on the mystery elements of the story than in something like Argento's Tenebre or The Bird with the Crystal Plumage. The black-gloved, masked killer may be omnipresent, but the clues and red herrings normally associated with a good Giallo are absent. Instead, Opera is all about the tension of an unknown killer and making the audience uncomfortable. The focus is on the grisly death scenes, Betty's fear, and the killer's obsession with Betty.

Opera features what I think are some of Argento most artistic death scenes. When the killer grabs Betty after her boyfriend leaves the room, you're sure that Betty's had it. But the sadistic killer only wants to force Betty to watch as he brutally stabs her lover in the neck – the knife emerging in his mouth. It's a well shot and designed scene. And those needles in the eyes – brilliant. Or, take the death of the seamstress. At first her death seems like an ordinary, run-of-the-mill murder. But when the seamstress accidentally swallows the killer's locket, what started out as just another death scene turns it up a notch as the killer uses a pair of scissors to cut the girl's throat open to get his chain. Finally, there's the most famous death scene in Opera that I'm amazed with each time I see it – Mira is shot in the eye while peering through a keyhole. That scene displays a lot of what I like about Argento. It's got style to burn. As implausible as it may be, it's creative, memorable, and a blast to watch.

Argento certainly wasn't the first Italian director to concentrate on eye mutilation, but in Opera, he's taken eye trauma to a new level. Needles holding eyes open, a bullet in the eye, and ravens pecking out an eye are all part of Argento's vision (pun intended). And these scenes do have the effect that I believe Argento was going for. The first time I saw the killer putting those needles in Betty's eyes, I couldn't stop blinking. It actually had a physical effect on me. What is it about the eyes that make them such a target for abuse in Italian films?

To be fair (and not sound like such a fanboy), there are problems I have with Opera that keep me from rating it as Argento's best. One of my problems is with the air duct system running through Betty's apartment building. While I don't doubt there are air duct systems in older apartment buildings that connect the apartments, the ducts in Opera are HUGE. I'm no expert, but I sincerely doubt any building like the one in this movie would have had such mammoth air ducts. It doesn't seem practical at all. And don't you think someone would have done something about them long ago to keep criminals and nosey neighbors out of the other apartments? It's convenient for the plot, but it's not very realistic.

But I suppose my major problem with the film comes with the finale. What's up with that ending? It feels totally out of place, tacked on, and like a bad afterthought. I'm not sure what else to say other than it's horrible.

8/10

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

"I've always wanted to make love to an angry welder.", 8 October 2005

I am completely dumbfounded. What in the world were the people behind this mess thinking? When the movie was over, Jaws: The Revenge left me with more questions than answers. Here's a laundry list of my questions:

1. How did a movie as good as Jaws spawn this junk?

2. Regardless of where the shark is in the ocean, how is it capable of knowing the moment a Brody sticks so much as a big toe into the water?

3. If you attributed your husband's and son's deaths to a great white shark, wouldn't you want to go to someplace like Oklahoma instead of the Bahamas?

4. Do all Bahamians slip in and out of their accents the way Mario Van Peebles does in Jaws: The Revenge?

5. Could they have possibly made the shark look any more fake?

6. Snails?

7. You mean that piece of welded together scrap metal was supposed to represent all that is good about the Bahamas?

8. Do sharks really jump out of the water like Shamu and roar like a lion?

9. What's more frightening – a great white shark or Ellen Brody's hair?

10. Is there a bigger acting whore on the planet than Michael Caine?

The best way to watch a movie like Jaws: The Revenge is with a group of friends. There's plenty here to make fun of.

2/10

Deathstalker II (1987)

Enough of the bad jokes already., 27 February 2005

Reena the Seer (Monique Gabrielle) seeks the assistance of Deathstalker (John Terlesky) for a perilous journey. Deathstalker doesn't know that Reena is really Princess Evie in disguise. Reena/Evie is looking for someone to help her overthrow Jarek the Sorcerer (John Lazar) who previously overthrew her. The journey is full of obstacles - a murderous band of cut-throats, zombies, and an Amazon army. Of course the pair finally reach their destination for the final face-off with Jarek.

Deathstalker II is just one in a long line of movies that were made to cash-in on the success of Conan the Barbarian. I realize that most of this movie is played for laughs. But most of the jokes are anything but funny. Deathstalker II rips-off so many other movies, but does so with very little success. Take the exchange between Deathstalker and evil Sultana (Toni Naples) - Deathstalker, "Do you expect me to talk?" - Sultana, "No, Deathstalker. I expect you to die." It's moments like this that left me cringing.

The acting is, for the most part, exactly what you would expect. Gabrielle delivers her lines with the conviction usually reserved for kindergarten plays. But, something tells me that Gabrielle wasn't hired for the role because of her ability as a thespian. Terlesky comes off as the kind of guy you just want to slap for being such a smart aleck. Lazar, looking like a Duran Duran wannbe, is anything but menacing. Naples, for whatever reason, plays her role in a mostly straight fashion that doesn't fit with the rest of the nonsense going on.

If your interested in a history lesson covering the type of movies Conan the Barbarian spawned or if you like overly obvious attempts at humor, Deathstalker II may be the movie for you.

3/10

Hellraiser (1987)

Good, just not great, 21 February 2005

(From IMDb) Clive Barker's feature directing debut graphically depicts the tale of a man and wife who move into an old house and discover a hideous creature - the man's half-brother, who is also the woman's former lover - hiding upstairs. Having lost his earthly body to a trio of S&M demons, the Cenobites, he is brought back into existence by a drop of blood on the floor. He soon forces his former mistress to bring him his necessary human sacrifices to complete his body... but the Cenobites won't be happy about this.

I've always thought that Hellraiser is a good movie, but I am not as "in love" with it as a lot of horror fans. The special effects seem to be one of the major draws and, while I agree that they are very well done, I'm just not into a lot of gore effects. I will give the special effects people credit for some jaw dropping moments. If this movie were made today, CGI would replace (and ruin) a lot of what's seen. Hellraiser is one of the better examples of what can be done with "real" effects.

Pinhead and, to a lesser extent, the other Cenobites have become cultural icons. But, in Hellraiser, they are given so little screen time that they are really nothing more than minor supporting players. Watching the movie, you learn very little about the Cenobites and how they came to be (it's not until the sequels that we learn anything about their origin). Had there never been all of the sequels, I contend that Pinhead and his buddys wouldn't be nearly as "famous" as they are.

I suppose my biggest problem with the movie is the characters. For me to completely enjoy a horror movie, there has to be someone I care about. None of these characters are worth empathy. I suppose the daughter could be a character I could care about, but she has so little screen time until she's under attack that I never felt as if I knew her.

7/10