The Hound of the Baskervilles (1988) (TV)

"It's an ugly, dangerous business, Watson.", 22 November 2008

This version of The Hound of the Baskervilles is the third I've seen in the past week or so. It's also a first time viewing for me. My initial reaction – I'm somewhat disappointed based on many of the reviews I've read on IMDb. While I enjoyed it much more than the 1978 abomination, I much preferred the 1983 version – also a TV movie. There's little doubt that Jeremy Brett makes a fine Sherlock Holmes (though having grown up with Rathbone, he gets my vote for the best) and Edward Hardwicke wisely plays Watson less the bumbling fool. The rest of the actors are at least adequate, though I thought Fiona Gillies was horribly miscast as Beryl. The authentic looking locations, both moors and other sets, add a lot to the production. But the weakness in the film is in its direction and pacing. Had director Brian Mills kept things moving at a better pace, it might have been more enjoyable effort. As it is, there are some stretches that are difficult to get through. After a nice start and a decent enough third act (although it did feel a bit rushed), the middle portion of the movie grinds to a halt. Finally, who thought it would be a good idea to color the hound a glowing green color in post production? It reminded me of something you might see from a poverty row studio of the 1940s.

6/10

Alien from L.A. (1988)

Kathy Ireland - The Frump, 19 March 2008

While I can't find fault with Kathy Ireland's decision to branch out of swimsuit modeling to get into acting, but is Alien from L.A. really the best she could come up with for her first movie? What better way to begin a career than to star in a movie that's a cheesy sort of Alice in Wonderland meets the Road Warrior with a twist of Bob Fosse for good measure? And to top it off, why not take one of the world's most beautiful women and give her the most annoying voice imaginable? She sounds like what you might expect if you fed helium to Mickey Mouse. I can't think of a better way to kick off an acting career!

Alien form L.A. also features what I consider to be one of the stupidest, lamest, and most infuriating movie clichés ever dreamed up. How can losing your glasses and changing your clothes so completely change one's personality? Movies like Alien from L.A. would have you believe that you can go from mousy frump to supermodel with a new outfit. They don't get it – it's not about the clothes – it's about an attitude. You can't change your persona like you do your socks.

Despite its numerous problems, there's still some fun to be had with Alien from L.A. If you're a fan of the thick, gooey 80s-style cheese, you'll find a heaping helping in this movie. From the Flock of Seagulls look of several of the characters to the synthed-up soundtrack – it's the 80s at its best (or worst as the case may be). As an added bonus, the movie features a healthy dose of campy humor that works if you take it the right way. I think too many people go into this movie expecting something quite different from what it is. They take the movie far more serious than it was ever intended to be. It's not perfect, but parts can be fun.

5/10

Space Mutiny (1988)

"You're much more attractive with your mouth shut! ", 31 May 2007

I suppose I could go on and on about the many problems I have with this movie, but there's really no point. That dead horse has already been beaten. You can find page after page of comments on IMDb that describe in great detail the ridiculousness that is Space Mutiny. Instead, I want to focus on two areas that I feel deserve to be commented on.

First, I've made it no secret that I've always enjoyed MST3K. For whatever reason, the show worked (or works) for me. Well, Space Mutiny joins the exalted company of something like Mitchell as one of the absolute best episodes of MST3K I've so far seen. Space Mutiny is such a mess that it's perfect for riffing. Whether it's the poor set design, the laughable continuity, Cameron Mitchell's ridiculous beard, the ludicrous dialogue, John Phillip Law's over-the-top maniacal (but often misplaced) laugh, the golf cart chase, or anything else in the movie, it's almost as if Space Mutiny was made with the concept of MST3K in mind. It just might be the perfect MST3K target.

Second, as a huge fan of Cameron Mitchell, it pains me to see what he was reduced to appearing in at this stage of his career. The fake beard, the satin robes, and the painful dialogue are not the way I want to remember him. It's a long way from Blood and Black Lace, The House of Bamboo, How to Marry a Millionaire, or even The Toolbox Murders. I can't help but be reminded of something similar I wrote after watching the great Myrna Loy in It Happened at Lakewood Manner – Cameron Mitchell certainly deserves better than this "monkey-turd of a movie".

3/10

Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell (1988)

None of it is in the least bit interesting, 23 April 2007

There's really no need to go into plot details – with a movie this bad they hardly matter. Suffice it to say that what plot there is involves three (at least I think it was three – but it might have been two – not that anyone should give a rat's patooty) stones that, when put together, give the holder some sort of power (at least I think that's the point of the stones). Yada, yada, yada – who cares? None of it is in the least bit interesting anyway.

I don't think you could make something as bad as Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell even if you tried. It's horrible in every conceivable way – bad acting, poor direction, nonsensical plot, lame special effects, and everything else you can think of. In all honesty, I cannot think of many movies that I would call worse than this pile of garbage. So, you may ask, "if it's so bad, why not rate it a 1/10?" My answer – while it's as bad a movie as you'll run across, Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell features a few moments of complete unintentional humor that did bring something resembling a smile to my face. I realize that giving the movie a point based on a couple of ridiculous moments might not be the best way to rate a movie, but it's not like I gave it a 10/10. 2/10 is still bad!

I actually watched the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie. While I enjoy(ed) MST3K, I'm one of those who sincerely believe that the movies featured on the show should be judged on their own merits. You shouldn't assume that just because a movie was lampooned on television that it's a bad movie. Tastes and opinions vary. So even some of the real stinkers that appeared on MST3K like Manos or Skydivers, I've seen without the riffing. But in the case of Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell, I cannot imagine watching it on its own. It's so bad and features so very little in the way of entertainment that MST3k appears to be the only way to go.

2/10

Hobgoblins (1988)

An abomination of film-making, 23 July 2006

I see a lot of "Worst" movie lists on IMDb. If I look at one of these lists and don't see Hobgoblins, I can't take it seriously. Hobgoblins represents a standard in bad movie-making that all other bad movies should be measured against. Personally, I don't have a "Worst" list, but if I did, you can bet that Hobgoblins would be in the top three alongside Curse of the Swamp Creature and Prime Evil. I defy anyone to sit down and watch this trifecta of crap back-to-back-to-back..

I've now had the misfortune of seeing Hobgoblins three or four times in my life. And, I can't think of one positive thing to say about it. Everything about the movie is pathetic. The horror elements aren't in the least horrific and the comedy elements are in the least comedic. Nothing works. Why am I not surprised to discover that the four lead "actors" (and I use that term very loosely) have one other movie credit between them? I suppose a better question would be just how was director Rick Sloane able to find a job directing anything after helming this abomination of film-making? The special effects consist of the director throwing stuffed animals at the cast. There are more continuity errors in Hobgoblins than in a dozen Ed Wood movies. The plot is utterly ridiculous and would have made more sense had my three year old written it. In short, Hobgoblins is a truly painful movie experience.

Of the three or four times I've seen Hobgoblins, this was my second with the MST3K commentary. And even though Hobgoblins is one of the worst movies I've ever seen, it makes for one of the best MST3K episodes. Hilarious!

1/10

Night of the Sharks (1988)

- La notte degli squali
Someone should have fed this movie to the shark, 20 November 2005

This is one really bad movie. I've racked my brain and I cannot come up with one positive comment to make. The acting is atrocious. I've seen more believable performances on cable access. The plot is ridiculous. Stolen diamonds, secret recordings of the President, and a shark that attacks anything that gets near it should have made for cheesy fun at the worst. Night of the Sharks isn't even so bad it's good. The dialogue sounds and is delivered as if it were written seconds before it's filmed. And to top it off, Night of the Sharks has the worst soundtrack I've ever heard. I'm surprised my ears didn't start bleeding from the 80s techno synthesized sounds that someone actually bothered to record.

From everything I've read, the Italian film industry was dead by 1987. Night of the Sharks is like a final nail in the coffin.

1/10

Prime Evil (1988)

The Worst, 9 August 2005

Over the years, I've seen my fair share of really bad movies. But none can compare with Prime Evil. I bow down before thee oh King of Garbage. It's the worst of the worst. I literally despise this movie with every fiber of my being.

The story, although it doesn't really matter, starts with a 13th Century monk who turns to Satanism in exchange for immortality. He slaughters the other monks who refuse to join him. Switch to present day and the monk, now in the persona of Father Seaton (get it, Seaton/Satan - oh how clever), oversees a large cult of followers. Each is also promised immortality in 13 year blocks if they are willing to give Father Seaton a "pure" blood relation for sacrifice to Satan. The 13 year period for one member is coming to an end. He has a "pure" granddaughter that would make an ideal candidate for sacrifice. But the Church and the police are onto the cult's activities. Can they stop Father Seaton before another person dies?

Every aspect of this movie is bad. I've racked my brain and I cannot come up with one positive thing to say. The acting is terrible, the story is lame, the muppet Satan is ridiculous, and the whole thing is a complete and utter bore. And none of it is bad in that so bad it's good sort of way. I defy anyone to find a scrap of entertainment in Prime Evil.

1/10

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)

It's the same joke over and over and over....., 25 April 2005

Elvira moves to a small town to claim her inheritance - an old, rundown house. Although most of the townspeople don't approve, the kids in town are only too happy to help her fix-up her house. Elvira finds what she believes to be a cookbook in the house. Her uncle offers to buy it from her, but she won't sell. The book, it seems, contains more than ordinary recipes. It's a book of spells that Elvira must learn to use to save herself and the town.

I've seen this movie several times over the years. And with each viewing, I find myself enjoying it less and less. Elvira is a one note character - boob jokes. And, while some of the jokes are funny the first couple of times, the jokes get tired real quick. Without the comedy, Elvira becomes little more than a bad actress in a very revealing dress.

The brightest spot in the movie is Edie McClurg. She's one of those people that can make me laugh regardless of how bad the material may be. When you see her, she's the exact opposite of what you expect a comedian to look like. And she uses that to her advantage here playing the holier than though Chastity Pariah.

Even though Elvira, Mistress of the Dark may not be as good in my eyes as I once thought it was, it's still miles better than Elvira's second movie, Elvira's Haunted Hills - another one joke movie.

5/10

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

Stop the Madness, 30 January 2005

Normally, I start with a brief (sometimes very brief) outline of the plot. With Friday the 13th Part VII, there's really no point in doing that. A group of young people is staying in a cabin on Crystal Lake. They have sex, smoke dope, and act incredibly stupid. Gee, I wonder what's going to happen to them? Imagine my surprise when Jason shows up and starts butchering everyone in sight.

I'll give the movie credit for trying to throw a new wrinkle into the Friday the 13th story. One of the people staying on the lake is a young girl with telekinetic powers. Think of it as Carrie vs. Jason. She actually proves to be one of the more equally matched foes Jason has faced and the highlight of the movie for me.

While not the lowest point in the Friday the 13th series, Part VII comes close. The biggest problem with the movie is the total lack of suspense. By the time Part VII came out, anyone with a pulse was already familiar with the basic premise. And even though Telekenetic Girl is present, the movie doesn't stray from the tried and true formula. We know Jason is going to show up and kill people. What kind of suspense is that? It doesn't help that we know absolutely nothing about most of the victims. I realize that the majority of Jason's victims are little more than cardboard cut-outs, but here they're even less than that. It's hard to have suspense when you don't really give a damn or know anything about the people in danger.

4/10