Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens (1964)

- Sindbad contro i sette saraceni
"You better kill me now", 11 August 2009

Okay, I admit it – I enjoyed Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens much more than I should have. I realize it's not what you'd call a good movie, but I can't help myself – I had a blast watching the movie. Much of it for the wrong reasons, but still, I found it terribly entertaining. The plot – who cares? Suffice it to say that the evil Omar (Gordon Mitchell), Ali Baba, and other warrior types do battle to determine who will be King. In today's world, it would be the equivalent of selecting our leaders based on the outcome of the most recent UFC pay-per-view event. Anyway, one of the real highlights for me is Gordon Mitchell. I've never considered him much of an actor and, while this movie doesn't change that, I did get a kick out of his performance as Omar. First, I had no idea that Mitchell could chew scenery quite like that. His constant overacting is a real hoot. And the scene where he wears that ridiculous looking turban – classic! Add to that the weird facial expressions and Mitchell could have passed for Harpo Marx. Truly bizarre! Second, I loved the way that Mitchell (and really all the characters) shouts every line of dialogue. Whether it's something that deserves to be shouted like, "I shall smite thee", or something that doesn't like, "We're having ham for dinner", these people sound like they're constantly competing to be heard above a jet engine. Again, truly bizarre! Another highlight of Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens (and this one has nothing to do with Gordon Mitchell) was the women's prison or harem room or whatever you want to call it. Real tough going in there. It looked more like backstage at an Atlantic City beauty pageant. Would these women really have had access to sequined gowns and glittery eye-shadow?

I could go on and on, but I'll end here. Honestly, I've barely scratched the surface. I haven't mentioned the dwarf named Jukki crawling through walls, the final battle scene complete with a lame chariot race, the ease Omar's men have in taking Ali Baba prisoner, the speed with which Ali Baba and Fatima (Bella Cortez - what a woman!) fall hopelessly in love with each other, the confusion over the film's title (Is it Ali Baba or Sinbad?), the whip carried by Omar's main squeeze Farida, or the ridiculous dance scene in the dungeon. Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens might not be for everyone, but I sure had fun with it.

7/10

Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon (1964)

- Ercole contro i tiranni di Babilonia
"There's a limit to the power of resistance.", 9 August 2009

When the King of Babylon died, he left the throne to his three children to rule the land equally. But, and it should come as no surprise, they all have designs on running things for themselves – making for lots of treachery and backstabbing. Their kingdom also needs a steady supply of slaves. But one of their newest slaves just happens to be the Queen of the Hellenes. Hercules gets the signal and jumps into action to rescue the Queen before her true identity can be discovered. Along the way, he'll do what he can to free the rest of the slaves and bring an end to the tyranny of Babylon.

As far as peplums go, Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon is on the down side of average. The two biggest problems are the lack of a memorable, big moment and Peter Lupus as Hercules. Most all sword and sandal movies worth their salt have one big memorable moment – it might be a fight scene against a Cyclops or a battle against a mechanical giant or it might be the destruction of an army – but there's usually a moment or scene that stands out. That's not the case with Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon. The closest you'll find here is probably the scene where Hercules turns the big wheel to bring down the walls of Babylon. But it's so ridiculous that it's hardly THE moment. I mean what city is constructed on top of a giant wheel that can be turned to bring about its destruction. It's the equivalent of building a modern city on top of an atomic bomb. It's just stupid! Besides the lack of a big moment, the rest of the screenplay is pretty dull. I'll admit that some of the scenes with the siblings scheming against each other were pretty good, but that's about it. Overall, not a lot of interesting things to hang your hat on.

As for Lupus, he makes for one very dull Hercules. He's got the body for it – tanned to perfection with the ever present sheen of oil – but like the screenplay, he's also dull. The man just didn't have the command or screen presence to pull of being the lead in a movie like this. It doesn't help matters that his version of Hercules insists on carrying a very large club that obviously weighs no more than five pounds. And the sound it makes when he goes into battle – bong, bong, bong. When I was little, I had a game called Bing, Bang, Bong. You arranged these small drum like trampolines just so and bounced a metal ball from one to the other. That's what Hercules club sounds like in Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon – a metal ball hitting a rubber trampoline. For some reason, I doubt that's what it would sound like if someone were to hit you in the skull with a huge club. (I do realize that it's a tricky thing to criticize anything related to sound in a low-budget Italin movie from the 1960s that's been dubbed. But in this case, I can't help myself.)

I've listed the negatives, so what about the positives? I can sum-up the film's biggest highlight with two words – Helga Line. She is the lone (and very beautiful) bright spot. Though I must admit that some of her outfits probably weren't right for Babylon in 1,000 B.C., but still, she looked good. She also has the best part in the plot. Her scheming is by far more interesting than that of either of her two brothers. But as much as I enjoyed seeing Ms. Line, by herself she can't save the movie. I usually enjoy even bad peplums, however, in the case of Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon, a 4/10 seems about right.

4/10

Goliath and the Dragon (1960)

- La vendetta di Ercole
A good opening, a good ending, but dull in between, 19 June 2009

For a sword and sandal movie, Goliath and the Dragon has about the most convoluted and ridiculously hard to follow plot that I can remember. It was kind of like watching two or more different movies at the same time where the pieces just never seem to fit into a cohesive whole. Based on what I did get out of it, King Eurystheus (Broderick Crawford) has it out for Goliath. He kidnaps Goliath's brother Illus and, when that doesn't work, he kidnaps Goliath's wife. King Eurystheus also has the hots for a babe about a third his age who just happens to be in love with Illus. To win her over, King Eurystheus takes the reasoned approach of having her imprisoned as well. In the meantime, Goliath is off doing battle with a three-headed dog, a giant flying bat creature, a wife-snatching centaur, and a dragon that can't seem to decide whether it's a stop-motion creature or a big, goofy looking puppet. In the end, Goliath literally brings down the walls of King Eurystheus' fortress and, with the help of an army from Thebes, saves the day.

Overall, Goliath and the Dragon is a real mixed bag – hence my very average 5/10 rating. There's a lot about the movie I enjoyed. The beyond cheesy fight scenes with the various creatures I mentioned is an obvious place to start. These scenes are just plain old fun. I also enjoyed the scenes of prisoners being crushed by a trained elephant. You don't see stuff like that everyday. Watching Goliath tackle the elephant was a hoot. But when Goliath and the Dragon is bad, it's real bad. Some of the acting is painful. Mark Forest, the requisite body in this sword and sandal epic, is about as wooden as you'll find in one of these movies. He moves in a very unnatural manner that looked odd to me for lack of a better word. And what's Broderick Crawford doing in this movie? He's so out of place I often felt embarrassed for him. Another big negative for me is how deathly dull much of the movie is. When Goliath's not fighting some creature, the movie can be terribly sleep inducing. Too many unnecessarily confusing plot points, too many characters I didn't know or care about, and too many scenes with nothing going on – not the sign of a what I'd call a good movie. Like I said, Goliath and the Dragon is a real mixed bag.

5/10

Atlas Against the Cyclops (1961)

- Maciste nella terra dei ciclopi
"Now we'll have some entertainment. Take him to the pit!", 27 May 2009

In Atlas in the Land of the Cyclops, our hero aciste (Maciste, Atlas, Samson, Hercules - what's in a name?) must safeguard the life of a young prince whose father has been killed by the evil Queen Capys. The Queen wants the child so that she can break a centuries old curse by handing the baby over to the Cyclops she keeps chained in a pit. At first she attempts to use her womanly ways on Maciste, but to no avail. And as predictable as the sun following the night, the Queen ends up falling for Maciste. But there are others in the Queen's court who still seek the child and an end to the curse. Can Maciste rescue the baby and defeat the Cyclops before it's too late?

Atlas in the Land of the Cyclops is what I'll call an above average example of the peplums or sword and sandal movies being pumped-out of Italy from the late 1950s to the mid 1960s. Gordon Mitchell is on hand to provide the beef of the title role. He may not have been as big as Steve Reeves (who all Italian movie muscle men must necessarily be compared) or some of the others, but he's got a winning smile and a definite athleticism about him. Chelo Alonso as Queen Capys is a real beauty and quite good in her role. In fact, the whole cast is quite nice. The Cyclops is very well done and another example of the fine, creative work being done before the advent of CGI - even by low-budget Italian filmmakers. Lots of good fight scenes, very few long drawn-out dialogue filled moments, and plenty of guys running around with those scrub-brush looking helmets - what's not to love. I guess my biggest complaints are with the dubbing and the state of available DVD transfers. The dubbing is incredibly stilted. In a few scenes, Mitchell sounds a bit like Tonto from the old Lone Ranger series. As for the available transfers, I can only assume that my enjoyment of Atlas in the Land of the Cyclops would have been enhanced had it not seemed I was watching the movie through dirty dishwater. Even with these negatives, and I realize I may be overstating things a bit here, I'll go ahead and give it a 7/10 and recommend it to fans of peplums.

7/10

Kindar the Invulnerable (1965)

- Kindar l'invulnerabile
An interesting twist on the standard formula, 21 May 2009

The son of a Sultan named Siro, Kindar is born just as his mother is hit and killed by lightning. The strange happenings at his birth make Kindar invulnerable to all human attacks, save one – the mysterious red rose. But soon after his birth, Kindar is kidnapped and taken to grow up as the the son of a desert warrior and bandit named Seymuth. Seymuth's one ambition in life is to destroy Kindar's real father and his city. And with an invulnerable son at his side, no one would dare stand in his way. But before Seymuth's grand day of glory, Kindar learns the truth of his birth. Which side will Kindar choose – Siro or Seymuth? And how will the discovery of the red rose affect the events to come?

Something of a rare peplum, Kindar the Invulnerable is also a bit different from the standard fare. Instead of ancient Athens or Rome or Sparta, Kindar the Invulnerable is set in the deserts of North Africa. I'm not sure where the movie was filmed, but it looks wonderfully authentic. The vast, empty deserts, the lush oasis, and the walled city of Uthera – it's a nice change of pace from the normal scenes of coliseums and chariot races. Another plus for me was the acting. While Mark Forest is basically "the body" the role of Kindar calls for, he's as good as any of the muscle-bound would-be actors that populated these peplums. In fact, I was actually a bit impressed with his acting prowess. The rest of the cast includes the always welcome genre favorite Rosalba Neri in a small role and Mimmo Palmara chewing more scenery than one actor has a right to in his role as Seymuth. I must admit that I was also enjoyed the performance of Dea Flowers in her one and only listed credit. I'm amazed she didn't do anything else. Finally, there are a couple of moments in Kindar the Invulnerable that really caught me off guard by how well they were shot. Two of my favorites that I'll mention are Kindar's nighttime trip into the walled city and the film's finale with Kindar back home holding his one true love. That last one may be hokey, but it's a wonderful shot nonetheless. You know, other than a slow patch in the film's second act, I've got no complaints. I'll give Kindar the Invulnerable a strong 6/10. If you're a fan of the genre, this is one worth seeking out for its uniqueness if nothing else.

6/10

War Goddess (1973)

- Le guerriere dal seno nudo
The best movie about Amazons I've seen this week, 29 February 2008

I can't believe I've watched two Italian Amazon movies in one week. How much cheese can one person stand? Compared with Battle of the Amazons, however, War Goddess comes out the clear winner. I actually enjoyed the movie much more than I probably should have. War Goddess tells the story of the Amazons selecting a new Queen through competition. Once selected, the Amazons prepare themselves for their annual visit to a nearby army for the purposes of mating. Love with a man is forbidden – procreation is the only purpose for these visits. But the new Queen does fall in love and ends up risking her empire for the sake of a man.

I suppose I could go on and on pointing out the good and the bad of the acting, the fight scenes, technical aspects, the score, the decision not to take the subject matter too seriously, or any number of other things one generally discusses when writing a user comment. And while I actually found this movie above average in many respects (probably due to Terence Young's direction as much as anything), something tells me that's not the reason the average person sits down to watch War Goddess. As unbelievable as this may be, the real draw is . . . hold on . . . are you ready for it . . . NUDE AMAZON WRESTLING! Shocking, huh? Imagine that, the real attraction is a couple of well-built, nice-looking females engaged in NUDE AMAZON WRESTLING! War Goddess features two – that's right, two – very nice scenes of NUDE AMAZON WRESTLING! If that's not your thing (and I don't understand why it wouldn't be), the rest of the movie isn't that bad. But who cares when there's NUDE AMAZON WRESTLING!

6/10

Hercules Unchained (1959)

- Ercole e la regina di Lidia
An instance where the sequel is better than the original, 6 August 2007

Hercules Unchained picks up right where Hercules (1958) left off. Hercules and his new bride, Iole, are headed to Thebes. A fight for the throne between two brothers puts a kink in Hercules' plans, so he decides to act as peacemaker. But before he can carry out his mission, he mistakenly drinks from the "waters of forgetfulness" and is taken prisoner by Queen Omphale. Unsure of his real identity, Hercules is at the Queen's mercy and is reduced to being her plaything. Meanwhile, Iole is caught between the warring brothers and faces death. Can Hercules come to his senses in time to save his wife and his beloved Thebes?

Hercules Unchained is one of those instances where I find the sequel superior to the original. First off, the movie is just more interesting. The original Hercules had a tendency to drag. While Hercules Unchained isn't a thrill-a-minute, there is certainly more action. Second, I think everyone involved from the actors to the director seemed more comfortable in their respective roles in the sequel. That's only natural. Finally, and probably most importantly, Mario Bava's influence is more pronounced and evident in Hercules Unchained. There are instances throughout the movie that show his touch. For example, when Hercules meets the old king in the cave, the use of colored gel lighting in the scene simply screams Bava. Take a look at that scene and compare it with what Bava would do in his on Hercules movie, Hercules in the Haunted World, and see if you don't agree.

A lot of different muscle-bound actors would play the role of Hercules in these Italian productions, but none would do it any better that Steve Reeves. In this instance, the original is still the best. Others cast in the role may have been better actors and some may have been more gifted physically, but few could combine the two into a single package as effectively as Reeves.

I realize that these Italian sword and sandal movies may not be for everyone, but I really get a kick out of most of them. For anyone new to these movies, Hercules Unchained would make an excellent jumping off point.

7/10

Colossus and the Headhunters (1963)

- Maciste contro i cacciatori di teste
Pass the caffeine, 1 April 2007

Colossus and the Headhunters should come with a warning similar to those found on bottles of medicine. Inducing drowsiness or sleep is an understatement - leaving the viewer comatose is more like it. Colossus and the Headhunters is the very definition of a dull movie. Every single moment is a complete and utter bore. Erupting volcanoes and battles between armies have all the excitement of taking a bottle of sleeping pills. The actors certainly don't help matters any. The present all the life and vitality of a tree stump. Kirk Morris as Colossus (actually he's called Maciste (pronounced ma-cheese-steak) in the movie) is the worst offender. You would have to search far and wide to find a more unappealing, do-nothing hero. He's even late for the film's "climatic" battle scene.

If you must watch Colossus and the Headhunters, make sure you've just had a good nap, load-up on the caffeine, and grab some toothpicks to help hold your eyes open. You're gonna need it.

1/10

Gladiators 7 (1962)

- I sette gladiatori
If you've seen either Seven Samurai or The Magnificent Seven, the plot of Gladiators 7 should seem familiar., 29 May 2006

If you've seen either Seven Samurai or The Magnificent Seven, the plot of Gladiators 7 should seem familiar. Gladiators 7 is the Italian/Peplum take on this winning formula. To help him avenge his father's death, Darius (Richard Harrison) rounds up six of his gladiator buddies. They train together, laugh together, and fight together with defeating a much larger and better armed force as their ultimate goal. As I said, it's not very original, but that's just part of the problem. The biggest issue I have with Gladiators 7 is with its lead, Richard Harrison. He's so unappealing that I could have cared less about what happened to him. He's dull and incredibly hard to root for. A few original twists to the plot and a different actor playing the film's main character might have made Gladiators 7 a good movie.

4/10

The Adventures of Hercules (1985)

- Le avventure dell'incredibile Ercole
And I thought Hercules (1983) was bad., 6 March 2006

The Adventures of Hercules has to be one of the lamest excuses for a movie I've yet run across. You would have to look far and wide to find anything that approaches the level of ineptness on display in this movie. Acting – Bad. Editing – Bad. Direction – Bad. Special Effects – Bad and Laughable. Plot – Bad. Lighting – Bad. Cinematography – Bad. Costume Design – Bad and Silly. Everything Else – Bad. Watching The Adventures of Hercules is about as enjoyable as a root canal. Even for a fan of bad movies, it's a real endurance test. This is one for either masochists or Lou Ferrigno completists (if any exist).

Eight things I learned from watching The Adventures of Hercules:

1. If you don't have the budget for real special effects, rotoscope a scene from the previous movie. It will look great - trust me.

2. When on a quest to recover Zeus' thunderbolts, take time for frequent stops to oil-up you body. It worked for Ferrigno and his two Amazon companions.

3. Any sword fight, use of magic, and just about all other day to day activities in ancient Greece created a sound very similar to a game of Pac Man or Asteroids.

4. Some of the ancient Greek gods dressed like extras from Star Wars.

5. If you need to pad your crappy movie's runtime, extend the title sequence by adding Star Trek style credits and throw in some overly grandiose music. It also helps if you've got a previous movie to pull scenes from.

6. Fight scenes move along much smoother if the bad guys attack Hercules one at a time.

7. William Berger did anything for money.

8. I didn't think it was possible, but The Adventures of Hercules makes the first film, Hercules (1983), look like an Academy Award winner.

1/10

Giant of Marathon (1959)

- La battaglia di Maratona
It could have been really good, but it isn't, 29 June 2005

Giant of Marathon could have been a really good movie. It's got a lot going for it. Steve Reeves, fresh off his stint as Hercules, is good and dependable in this kind of movie. He did Sword and Sandal as good as anyone. The movie also has some very nice action sequences. I'm far from an expert, but the battle scenes in Giant of Marathon are the best I've seen in a Sword and Sandal. My favorite bit had to be the ship equipped with James Bond style pinchers that were used to sink other ships. Nice touch. The movie also features a "good" bad guy. Teocrito is about as villainous as they come.

But the movie isn't what I would call "really good". It has far too many problems. The first is the love story underlying the action. The love scenes are so corny that they are difficult to watch. Cringe inducing is the best way I can think to describe it. Another real and more important problem is that parts of Giant of Marathon can be incredibly boring. When the battle scenes aren't on screen, nothing happens - a lot of ridiculous talk that isn't in the least interesting.

5/10