These guys are supposed to be Chinese?, 2 August 2008
It'll never be on my "favorites" list, but Battle Beneath the Earth is not a half bad way to waste away an hour and a half or so. The movie is beyond silly, but that's what makes it fun and entertaining. The plot involves a Chinese General named Chan Lu (Martin Benson) who has a plan to destroy the United States from below. Using his boring machine, he and his renegade army have dug several large tunnels below the North American continent that they plan to use to launch a nuclear attack. Armed with his own borer, Cmdr. Jonathan Shaw (Kerwin Mathews) leads an American expeditionary force to investigate and stop General Lu in his tracks.
Everything about this movie is utterly ridiculous. The plot, acting, and special effects are all ridiculous. The movie seems to have been made on a budget less than what a grande Starbucks might cost. I swear I saw our heroes go past the same stack of crates about a half a dozen times in their escape from the tunnels. And whose idea was it to use so many non-Asians in all the primary Chinese roles? These people look about as Asian as I do (which is not at all). Finally, the whole thing is shot in a style reminiscent of the 60s Batman television show with overly bright primary colors, poor and fake looking props, and weak staging in the action sequences. Still, it's all these factors that make the movie a blast. It might not work for everyone, but I enjoyed Battle Beneath the Earth. A 6/10 seems about right.
6/10
"Akita!", 1 August 2008
I may be the only person alive who has seen both One Million Years B.C. and When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth that actually prefers the sequel to the original. Not that either is something I would recommend very highly, but at least there's a sense of goofiness about When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth that's not present in the overly serious Raquel Welch film. When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth also features a bevy of scantily clad cave women (could Victori Vetri fill out a bikini or what?), stop-motion dinosaurs that almost outdo the ones from Harryhausen, and a few nice action sequences. Based on my rating there's obviously a flip-side. The negatives for me include too much dialogue (in a made-up language no less that's completely impossible to follow), an overly involved plot (at least overly involved given the lack of language), and too much caveman butt. The language business actually had me laughing a couple of times. Apparently neither the cavemen nor the screenwriters could agree on what certain words meant. "Akita" appears to have meant anything from let's go over there to I really like you to your ham sandwich is ready! Unintentionally, it's hysterical (and distracting).
In the end, I can't in good conscious rate When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth any better than a 6/10 – not the best movie in the world but worth seeking out if you're a fan of either this kind of dinosaur movie or a Hammer completist.
6/10
No phone! No lights! No motor cars!, 1 August 2008
While I admit that the Chan films of Warner Oland are, as a group, superior to those of Sidney Toler, that doesn't mean that some of the Toler films aren't rock solid and as good individually as anything Oland made. Three that immediately come to mind are Charlie Chan at Treasure Island, Charlie Chan at the Wax Museum, and this film, Castle in the Desert. (By the way, why isn't the title Charlie Chan and the Castle in the Desert? It would have made sense to me.) In Castle in the Desert, Charlie is summoned to a strange, isolated castle in the middle of the Mojave Desert. But no one in the house will admit to having sent of Chan. His presence is, however, quickly needed when in no time at all Charlie finds himself up to his elbows in murder, poison, deadly arrows, red herrings, and suspects galore. What could be more fun!
I've seen someone use this phrase before to describe a Charlie Chan film and I think it fits Castle in the Desert – "It's a crackling good mystery". As I've indicated, all of the necessary ingredients for a fun outing with Chan are here. In fact, Castle in the Desert is really more like two mysteries in one. While the solution to the first is fairly obvious, it's still a lot of fun and just an appetizer for the more difficult and dangerous mystery to come. This was Toler's last Chan film for Fox and, by the time this one was made, Toler could have played the role in his sleep. He seems so at ease with the character. The rest of the cast is enjoyable with Henry Daniell and, one of my favorites, Douglass Dumbrille standing out in support. Another bonus for Castle in the Desert is that Victor Sen Yung as #2 son Jimmy Chan isn't anywhere near as annoying as he is in some of the other Chan films.
Overall, Castle in the Desert is a nice finale to the Chan films at Fox. Nothing that would come later at Monogram is anywhere close to matching it. I've got no problem rating this one a strong 7/10 verging on an 8/10.
7/10
"You cannot mesmerize me! I'm British!", 27 July 2008
How many of these lost-world/center-of-the-earth style movies did they make in the late 60s and early 70s? I swear I think I've seen a dozen or more. In At the Earth's Core, Dr. Abner Perry (the great Peter Cushing) and David Innes (Doug McClure) set off for an experimental ride in their earth digging machine, the Iron Mole. Something goes horribly wrong (and doesn't it always!) and the pair find themselves miles beneath the Earth's surface in a strange and unusual world. This underground world is ruled by some ridiculous looking pterodactyl-like creatures that make slaves of the local human inhabitants. It's the usual story from here on out – defeat the creatures, get the girl, escape, and generally save the day.
As much as I hate rating a movie a wishy-washy 5/10, that pretty much sums up my feelings of At the Earth's Core. I mean parts of the movie are bad and parts of the movie are good. On the bad side you've got the really awful special effects and a whole "been there, done that" feeling to much of the movie. As bad as the rubber-suited pterodactyl men look, they pale in comparison to what I'll call the saber-toothed hippo and the giant fire-breathing frog. You've also got Doug McClure trying in vain to play the hero. It doesn't work. On the positive side you've got Peter Cushing hamming it up like I've never seen before and a sense of fun about the whole thing. It never takes itself too seriously. Just let yourself go with the silliness. Another positive I feel compelled to mention are the outfits worn by Caroline Munro. Too bad she disappears for about 2/3 of the movie. So in the end, the good and bad sort of cancel each other out and I'm left with a completely average movie. And that, at least in my way of rating movies, is just what a 5/10 is – an average movie.
5/10
- Quando le donne avevano la coda
Positives: Senta Berger - Negatives: Everything Else, 26 July 2008
I readily admit that I watch a lot of really bad movies. But there are very few that I can think of that are quite as bad as When Women Had Tails. It's a stinker of epic proportions. What should have been a sexy comedy about a group of cavemen discovering a woman for the first time is instead a dull, lifeless affair without a single laugh to be had. The comedy is extremely weak. I suppose if you think bashing someone in the head is funny, you might find a laugh or two. The guys in this movie make the Three Stooges look like high art. And there's just not enough of a plot to hold the thing together. It seems to drag on and on and on.
Well, you may be asking yourself, "If it's as bad as you say, why haven't you rated it lower than a 3/10?" Good question! And I've got two answers. First, the movie is not without its curiosity value. I do find a bit of interest in an Italian spoof of movies like One Million Years B.C. with Raquel Welch. I'll give When Women Had Tails a point for its historic "value". The other two points are for the mere presence of Senta Berger. I know it's not much of an explanation or reasoning for a rating, but what are you going to do? It's the best I can come up with.
3/10
- Shi mian mai fu
"Just call me Wind.", 13 July 2008
Sometimes after watching a movie, I'm at a complete loss for words. Sometimes there's just so much I want to write that I'm afraid to even attempt it for fear of leaving things out or not expressing my thoughts as clearly as I would like. That's the case with House of Flying Daggers. The movie is so . . . well, the movie is so perfect that I doubt I could ever do it justice. To say I was overwhelmed by the movie's plot, acting, and direction would be a gross understatement. The plot drew me in from the word "go". All of the many twists and turns worked flawlessly on me. I couldn't wait to see what would happen next. As for the acting, all three of the main actors were perfect in their roles. It's hard to pick a favorite between Takeshi Kaneshiro, Andy Lau, and Ziyi Zhang – though I suppose Ziyi Zhang as the blind warrior was the most impressive. This is the first movie by director Yimou Zhang that I've seen, but it won't be the last. Not only does he keep things flowing at a wonderful pace, but he's made a movie that has to be one of the most beautiful works of art I've ever seen. I would love to freeze and print almost every frame of House of Flying Daggers to hang on my walls. Stunning is the word that comes to mind.
I'll end here realizing that I'm leaving a lot out like a plot description (I wouldn't want to ruin a second for someone else). To sum it all up, House of Flying Daggers is easily one of the very best movies I've ever seen. A 10/10 isn't good enough for it.
10/10
"I don't sell shrimp chips.", 13 July 2008
Liu Jian (Jet Li) is a Chinese policeman sent to France to help with the apprehension of big-time Chinese drug lord. But Jian is quickly double-crossed and finds himself on the run having been accused of murder. The one person who may be able to help him is a drug-addicted prostitute whose child is being held hostage by the same man who set-up Jian - and he's a high-ranking French policeman. Jian and the prostitute make for an unlikely pair, but they'll have to work together to make things right.
As an action movie, Kiss of the Dragon gets several things right. Both Jet Li and Bridget Fonda are more than capable of pulling off this kind of movie. Li, in particular, is exceptionally good showing the moves that have made him an internationally acclaimed martial arts star. He does a lot of different moves in the movie but my particular favorite is a quick one involving a pool ball that he sends flying with a well placed foot. Unfortunately, beyond the two stars and a wickedly evil performance by Tchéky Karyo, the rest of the movie is pretty average. It's one action/martial arts cliché after then next with the child being held hostage the icing on the cake. The only action standard the movie fails to include is letting the male and female leads fall in love with each other. And I'm glad because that would have really ruined the movie. As it is, Kiss of the Dragon is a harmless enough time waster that may lack creativity, but benefits from the presence of Jet Li.
6/10
