Prisoners of the Lost Universe (1983)

John Saxon as MC Hammer, 27 May 2009

Prisoners of the Lost Universe is a remarkably underwhelming fantasy/adventure film that offer very little in the way of thrills or excitement. A brief plot synopsis: A couple is accidentally transmitted to an alternate reality and quickly become separated. The woman, Carrie (Kay Lenz), has been taken prisoner by a vicious warlord named Kleel (John Saxon). Her new beau, Dan (Richard Hatch), with the help of a ragtag band of misfits, sets out to free Carrie and find a way home.

I'm not sure how many South African made movies I've actually seen so I can only hope that this isn't an example of that country's film industry. Prisoners of the Lost Universe plays a bit like a cross between one of those cheap sword and sorcerer movies so popular in the 1980s and something like Romancing the Stone with a bit of cross-dimensional time-travel thrown in for good measure. None of it works, mainly because the whole plot is terribly tired and has that "been there, done that" feel to most of it. The quirky characters that pop-up throughout the movie aren't interesting enough to care about. And the relationship between the two main characters, Carrie and Dan, is handled in such a ham-fisted and forced manner that it provides nothing in the way of a spark for the movie. The relationship between the two main characters exists only because in these kinds of movies there is always a relationship between the two main characters. The lone bright spot for me was John Saxon. His over-acting in every scene, even when doing nothing but lying on a bed, was a joy to behold. However, I could have done without the orange MC Hammer-inspired pants he wore during much of the movie. In the end, this one's a real dud. A 3/10 from me.

One last note - I knew I was in trouble right from the start when I noticed that both of the vehicles the main characters were driving had right side steering wheels. This wouldn't be so unusual, but they were supposed to be in California.

3/10

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1983) (TV)

A rock solid effort, 18 November 2008

This 1983 version of The Hound of the Baskervilles, Sherlock Holmes' most famous mystery, is a rock solid effort. I enjoyed it immensely. And when you consider the fact that it's a made-for-TV film, it's even more amazing to me just how good it really is. I say amazing because I simply cannot imagine an American made-for-TV production equaling this British effort. Highlights for me include the acting (including nice performances by Ian Richardson, Brian Blessed, and Denholm Elliot), the location shoots (the authenticity of the movie is greatly enhanced by shooting on real mires and bogs), and a steady hand in the director's chair (the pacing of the film is just one of the movie's outstanding features). In fact, I've got very little to complain about. Sure, Donald Churchill all but takes his Watson into Nigel Bruce territory, but it's a minor distraction. Some of my favorite set-pieces included the hound attack in the fog, Holmes' gypsy impersonation, and the flashback sequence. Overall, this version of The Hound of the Baskervilles may not be my favorite and it may not be completely faithful to the source material, but it's a good show and well worth the effort to seek out for any fan of Sherlock Holmes.

One final word on The Hound of the Baskervilles (1983) – I've got one small complaint about the DVD I viewed (R1 DVD from Image). Maybe it was just the copy I had or maybe it was the monitor I was watching it on, but several scenes were a bit too dark. A few times I had difficulty seeing what was going on. Like I said, maybe it was just me, but I thought I would put the warning out there just he same.

8/10

Hundra (1983)

Morricone's score almost makes the movie worthwhile, 24 March 2008

In the past few weeks, I've watched a number of movies with Amazon-style man-hating tribes who only seek the company of men for the purposes of procreation. In this one, the Amazons are wiped out by a band of men. Wiped out, that is, except for a hunter/warrior named Hundra (Laurene Landon) who vows to get even for the slaughter of her sisters. It's also up to Hundra to repopulate her tribe if it is to survive. But to do so, Hundra will need the help of the very same men she seeks for revenge.

Based on my rating, it should be obvious that I have some real problems with Hundra. Tops on that list would be the film's terribly mixed message. The movie tries to incorporate a lot of pseudo-feminist mumbo-jumbo into its plot with little success. It's all for show. You see the film is terribly hypocritical. On the one hand, the film seems to be trying to explore the empowerment of women - but at the same time the film exploits the very same women it purports to empower. The filmmakers seem to be trying to have their cake and eat it to (Is that cliché enough for ya?). Getting past the film's mixed message, Hundra is, for the most part, a poorly made, badly paced, and horribly acting movie. You would think that a plot involving this much bloodshed and sex would hold a little more interest. I, however, found myself nodding off several times throughout the movie. Dull and uninteresting doesn't begin to describe it. The version I saw clocked in at about 1:45 – or about 30 minutes longer than it should have. As for the film's lead Laurene Landon, she's honestly one of the worst actresses I've seen in a while. Her delivery is so unnatural that it's distracting. Finally, the fight choreography is abysmal. Between Landon's unconvincing movements and the lack of any creativity in the fights, these scenes seem to drag on forever. And it doesn't help that the longest fight during Hundra's climax was shown in slow-motion.

Before I end this, I feel I should mention one very obvious highlight of Hundra – Ennio Morricone's score. It far exceeds anything else in the movie. It might not be Morricone's best, but it's certainly memorable. There's one particular piece of music played during the film's final fight scene that almost makes the movie worthwhile. It's that good.

3/10

The Atlantis Interceptors (1983)

- I predatori di Atlantide
"If you ask me, we're just heading around in circles.", 21 February 2008

One thing you'll notice if you watch only a handful of 1980s Italian genre films is the way they rip-off…err…I mean borrow from whatever the popular fad was at the time in American movies. Movies like Conan the Barbarian, Escape from New York, Dawn of the Dead, and The Road Warrior inspired countless Italian imitators. While few of these movies can be called "good" in a traditional sense, many are at least fun in their own weird and unique way. The Atlantis Interceptors is one such movie. Director Ruggero Deodato throws everything but the kitchen sink into The Atlantis Interceptors. Bits and pieces from movies as diverse as the previously mentioned Escape from New York to Raiders of the Lost Ark are used in the movie's nonsensical storyline. It's a mishmash of ideas with one set-piece after another strung together with the bare minimum of a plot thread. Some of it works and some of it fails miserably, yet it somehow comes out as an entertaining time waster at its worst. It's best to just turn your mind off and go with it.

The plot (at least what I could make out of it) involves a group of scientists raising a derelict Russian nuclear submarine from the ocean floor. By doing so, however, they unwittingly bring Atlantis back to the surface as well. The Atlantians (is that what you call them) send forth an army of post-apocalyptic looking thugs to take over the surface world. A small group of survivors must band together, defeat the Atlantians, and save the world. That may be the plot, but The Atlantis Interceptors is really just one gun battle or car chase or explosion after another.

I guess my biggest surprise came from the number of recognizable faces in the small cast. Ivan Rassimov, George Hilton, Christopher Connelly, and Gioia Scola will most certainly be familiar to fans of Italian genre films. I'm not sure how Deodato was able to assemble a cast like that, but it does add to the movie's appeal.

6/10

Warrior of the Lost World (1983)

"Are the meek inheriting the earth?", 13 November 2007

If the 80s were anything as far as movies goes, it was a decade of imitation. How many imitators did movies like Halloween and Conan "inspire" in the 80s? Another influential movie that would see a number of imitators was The Road Warrior. From Escape from the Bronx to 2019: After the Fall of New York, there were scores of mainly Italian post-apocalyptic rip-offs. Some good, some bad, but Warrior of the Lost World is easily one of the worst of the bunch. Plainly put, it's a dreadful movie. Forget about a plot – the movie doesn't have one. Characters we don't know (much less care to know) drive around on ridiculously modified motorcycles, cars, and trucks shooting at each other while dressed like some sort of Cyndi Lauper/New Wave wannabes. It's pathetic.

Warrior of the Lost World "stars" Robert Ginty, Donald Pleasence, and Fred Williamson. Ginty is The Rider – a character with marbles in his mouth who spends most of the movie with his nausea-inducing, talking motorcycle. One of the lone highlights of the movie is when the motorcycle gets crushed by a rather large truck (not to fear – much to my dismay, the motorcycle reappears later in the movie). Pleasence is obviously in it for a paycheck. By the looks of things, his scenes were filmed separately and probably shot in a day at the most. Williamson does what he always seems to do – make goofy faces at the camera. His character, like the rest of the movie, is utterly pointless.

There's really only one way to stomach something as bad as Warrior of the Lost World – catch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie. It's not the best episode, but it sure beats watching the movie on its own. While I've rated the movie a 1/10, I'll give this episode a 3/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

1/10

Octopussy (1983)

"Pay attention, 007!", 30 August 2007

I'm a James Bond fan from way back. Some of my fondest memories of growing-up are James Bond movies on the ABC Sunday Night Movie. If Bond was going to be on, I couldn't wait. So it pains me to give a James Bond movie anything but a stellar rating as I've done with Octopussy. I saw it in the theater in 1983 and was terribly disappointed. Watching last night, my opinion has not changed in the 24 or so intervening years. It may not be the worst Bond movie ever made, but it comes close.

To write in detail about all of the problems I have with Octopussy would be unwieldy to say the least. Instead, I'll mention two examples that nicely encapsulate my issues with the movie. First, as many have mentioned in comments and reviews on the internet, Octopussy begins with a very well done pre-title sequence. The aerial chance sequence is a rip-roaring success. Bond lands his plane and pulls it up into a service station parking lot. It's unfortunate that the director chose this moment to have Roger Moore open his mouth and destroy the great start. Bond looks at the gas station attendant and in the smuggest manner possible says, "Fill it up." That's right, "Fill it up." Give me a break! I'm cringing all over again just thinking about it. I suppose that at the age of 56, Moore could no longer pull off the James Bond role physically so they resorted to comedy. Well, the quipping, one-line machine that James Bond became during the time Roger Moore played the character is not the James Bond I enjoy. Sure, Connery used comedy, but it was more of an after thought. In contrast, I sometimes get the feeling with Moore that the elaborate stunts and special effects were done just to set-up a one-liner. I realize that this is an exaggeration, but it pretty well sums up my feelings on the matter.

The second example I'll cite occurs very near the end of Octopussy just as James Bond arrives at the circus with the intention of disabling the nuclear weapon. The chase between Bond and the clueless authorities takes him in and around the circus performers' trailers. Seizing an opportunity, Bond ducks into a trailer to avoid being caught. Now, grabbing something to use as a disguise makes sense, but does Bond do that – No! He actually takes the time to put on full clown make-up complete with the tear on the cheek! Huh? He has something like less than five minutes to disarm an atomic bomb and he stops to put on clown make-up! Again – give me a break! And exactly how did he put on that make-up in less than a couple of minutes? James Bond movies have always asked the audience to stretch believability, but this is utterly ridiculous. He can do a lot of things, but James Bond cannot stop time. I suppose the whole point of the scene is to get Roger Moore into the goofy clown make-up. James Bond – the Clown. Kind of gives some insight into what the producers, etc. thought of the character.

There are other issues I have with the movie that I could write about including the ridiculous crocodile boat, Roger Moore's all too obvious stunt-double, the incredibly lame title theme song, or Kristina Wayborn's weak attempts at acting. But I've already concentrated enough on the negative aspects. And it's not as if Octopussy is all bad. This is James Bond after all so there is some fun to be had. But if a fanboy like myself can rate a James Bond movie a very pedestrian 5/10, well then you know it has problems.

5/10

Escape from the Bronx (1983)

- Fuga dal Bronx
"No sugar you idiot!", 1 April 2007

I should have known better – a sequel to a movie (1990: The Bronx Warriors) that itself is barely average. Generally, sequels have a hard time matching the standard set by the original. And even though the standard isn't very high in this case, Escape from the Bronx is a failure in comparison with its predecessor. First, the sequel lacks any imagination. We see the same gunfights and explosions we saw in the first film. Half of the death scenes could have been spliced in from 1990: The Bronx Warrior and I doubt anyone would notice. Second, if possible the acting is even worse this time around. Mark Gregory (and his painted on pants) wasn't much of an actor in the first film. Here, he seems to have regressed. Also, I've read review after review that gush about Henry Silva's performance in Escape from the Bronx. My response – what performance? He spends 90% of his already limited screen-time on the phone. What's so impressive about that? Third, I never thought I would miss Fred Williamson, but he's part of what made 1990: The Bronx Warriors as good as it was. An overacting Antonio Sabato is a poor replacement. And finally, the plot in Escape from the Bronx is completely absurd. The scenes of Manhattan indicate that very little has changed in the future. I would assume that would include people's perceptions on the value of human life. The notion that a company would have a business model that includes wiping-out the citizens of an entire city is ridiculous. That company wouldn't be around very long.

3/10

The Osterman Weekend (1983)

"The truth is just a lie that hasn't been found out.", 9 July 2006

Sam Peckinpah is one of my favorite directors. I'll always see him as a visionary maverick responsible for crafting some of the most enjoyable movies I've ever seen. His The Wild Bunch and Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia are among my favorite films. His last film, The Osterman Weekend, is something of a mixed bag. On the positive side, it has several good action set pieces that are very reminiscent of the other films I've mentioned. Scenes of bullets and arrows flying through the air and a particularly brutal fight scene with a bat filmed in slow-motion remind me of Peckinpah's glory days. Unfortunately, there's a plot in there that gets in the way of the fun. I've seen The Osterman Weekend twice now and I'm as confused about some of the events in the movie as I was the first time I saw it. I don't know if it was just Peckinpah being stubborn, but it feels unnecessarily confusing. There are plot points that go nowhere, plot holes big enough to drive the proverbial truck through, and plot twists that don't work. After a good set-up, the movie simply loses its way. A script that didn't try so hard to be clever and secretive and some judicious editing might have made The Osterman Weekend a winner.

5/10

Oasis of the Zombies (1983)

- La tumba de los muertos vivientes
As bad as a movie can get, 14 April 2006

I don't know that it's really fair for me to write anything on Oasis of the Zombies as I've never actually seen the entire film. I've tried to watch it at least four different times, but, I can't seem to get through it to the end. Why? Oasis of the Zombies is such a complete and utter mess that I either shut it off about half way through because I just can't take it anymore or I end up falling asleep out of total boredom. Even by Jess Franco standards, Oasis of the Zombies makes no sense plot-wise and it's as dull as dishwater. The acting is atrocious. The special effects are so bad they go beyond being laughable. Oasis of the Zombies has to be one of the worst excuses for a movie I've ever had the misfortune of attempting to watch. Maybe I'll give it another go at some point in the future, but I rather doubt it.

I don't want to come across as one of those people who dismisses Franco as a no talent hack. That's just not true. There are some Franco films I really enjoy (Venus in Furs, The Diabolical Dr. Z, and Night of the Skull to name just a few), so it's not like I don't "get" Franco. I just can't imagine even the most vocal and ardent of Franco supporters enjoying this trash.

1/10

2019: After the Fall of New York (1983)

- 2019 - Dopo la caduta di New York
In search of fertility, 5 March 2006

In the sub-genre of post-apocalyptic action films, 2019: After the Fall of New York is pretty much an average example. The plot makes sense within the framework of the film and provides the film's heroes with a legitimate reason to go on their mission into enemy territory. In some of these films, the heroes go on these missions for the most ridiculous of reasons with a totally unbelievable object/device/rock/etc. as their goal. The idea of tracking down the last fertile woman on the planet to use in repopulating the planet is better than most. I'm not going to go so far as to call it an intelligently written script, but I've seen a whole lot worse.

As I wrote previously, 2019: After the Fall of New York is an average example of the 1980s post-apocalyptic films. As most all of these films take their "inspiration" from The Road Warrior and Escape from New York, none of them stray very far from the norm. 2019: After the Fall of New York has the same bad special effects, the same Flock of Seagulls wardrobe, and the same perfectly chiseled, but ultimately dull, hero you can find in any of these movies. But, even with the predictability and other shortcomings, it's a fun watch.

5/10

The Final Terror (1983)

Not the way I remembered it, 26 December 2005

I saw The Final Terror in the theater in 1983. For 22 years, I've had fond memories of the movie and have considered it one of the better slasher films of the 80s. I re-watched it the other day and realized that time has not been kind to this movie. It's not the way I remembered it. I remembered a fairly innovative movie about a backwoods killer. In reality, it's all pretty standard stuff. There's really nothing here to get all that excited about. As for the killer, I normally complain that the killers in these movies have too much screen time. But in The Final Terror, by the time the killer shows up, the movie is over. Sadly, it appears that I've been wrong about this movie for over two decades.

The Final Terror will be remembered for one thing, though – the cast. Even if you don't recognize the names, most movie fans will recognize more than a few of the faces. Darryl Hannah, Rachel Ward, Joe Pantoliano, and a few others have appeared in a surprising number of memorable movies and television series.

5/10

Hercules (1983)

Oh, this is bad!!!, 19 July 2005

This has got to be one of the most inept pieces of film-making I've ever seen. The original Steve Reeves' Hercules is a cinematic marvel compared with this drek. If it weren't so laughable it would be unwatchable. Just a few of my favorite moments include:

1. The 5+ minute prologue that covers the creation of the solar system. It's so ridiculous in its seriousness.

2. Hercules' fight scene with a brown carpet...er, I mean a brown bear.

3. The river that Hercules diverts not only cleans the stable, but also buffs the floor.

4. Sword fights with sound effects that seem to have been inspired by all the sci-fi movies and video games of the era. The sound effects are reminiscent of what you might get if you crossed Star Wars with Pac Man.

5. The chariot ride through outer space.

6. This line of dialogue spoken by the King of the Gods, Zeus, on the Earth's chances of defeating evil, "It will go down to destruction, or else it will survive." Duh?

Hercules is so bad that it gave me one of best laughs I've had in a while. I had forgotten how unintentionally funny it really is. That's why I can't bring myself to rate it any lower. If you've ever wanted to do your own home version of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Hercules would make a good candidate. It's sad that the best thing I can think of about Hercules are the outfits worn by Ariadne, Cassiopea, and Circe.

3/10

Panic Beats (1983)

- Latidos de pánico
Major Disappointment, 8 May 2005

From the moment I saw this listed as on the Mondo Macabro website, I was intrigued. It looked good and the reviews I read were mostly positive. So when it was finally released, I couldn't wait to get my hands on it. After watching it, I wish I would have waited.

What a major disappointment. Right from the start, I knew that Panic Beats couldn't meet my expectations. The whole look and feel of the film is terrible. It has that straight-to-video look that usually destroys atmosphere. The sets are nothing special at all. Most of the film looks like it could have been shot in my house. The story is incredibly predictable. There are a lot of twists and turns in the plot, but most are telegraphed from a mile away. The gore scenes are horribly done. And the whole concept of a knight that comes back from the dead is straight out of Scooby Doo. It's not a very frightening image.

Paul Naschy does his best to provide some chills. With raised eyebrows and a menacing stare, he does his best to look frightening. But for the most part, it doesn't work. The most frightening scenes are of Naschy naked in the bathtub. Now that had me screaming.

As for Mondo Macabro's disc, it's very well done. I have no complaints with the image, sound, or subtitles. The extras are quite nice, including a brief history of Spanish horror.

3/10