Hercules (1983)

Oh, this is bad!!!, 19 July 2005

This has got to be one of the most inept pieces of film-making I've ever seen. The original Steve Reeves' Hercules is a cinematic marvel compared with this drek. If it weren't so laughable it would be unwatchable. Just a few of my favorite moments include:

1. The 5+ minute prologue that covers the creation of the solar system. It's so ridiculous in its seriousness.

2. Hercules' fight scene with a brown carpet...er, I mean a brown bear.

3. The river that Hercules diverts not only cleans the stable, but also buffs the floor.

4. Sword fights with sound effects that seem to have been inspired by all the sci-fi movies and video games of the era. The sound effects are reminiscent of what you might get if you crossed Star Wars with Pac Man.

5. The chariot ride through outer space.

6. This line of dialogue spoken by the King of the Gods, Zeus, on the Earth's chances of defeating evil, "It will go down to destruction, or else it will survive." Duh?

Hercules is so bad that it gave me one of best laughs I've had in a while. I had forgotten how unintentionally funny it really is. That's why I can't bring myself to rate it any lower. If you've ever wanted to do your own home version of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Hercules would make a good candidate. It's sad that the best thing I can think of about Hercules are the outfits worn by Ariadne, Cassiopea, and Circe.

3/10