The Inglorious Bastards (1978)

- Quel maledetto treno blindato
Badass form start to finish, 9 May 2009

For my 1,000th user-comment on IMDb, I wanted to write about something that I not only enjoyed, but something that summed up or represented my feelings about and tastes in movies. You know, something that has my name written all over it. I considered a number of films – some bad – some good - but in the end, I decided to go with The Inglorious Bastards. Not only is it a great example of the kind of movie I go for, but I've been wanting to write something about it for a while now. And with Tarantino's re-imaging set to open this year, I definitely wanted to get my user comment written beforehand. So here it is, #1,000.

As the film opens, a group of WWII era soldiers are being transferred to a military prison to await decision on the many crimes they've committed. Murder, theft, robbery – these aren't your typical, clean-cut, all-American GIs. On the way, the MP convoy is attacked by a German plane and a band of five prisoners escapes. They immediately decide to head to neutral Switzerland and the freedom it offers. On the way, they have plenty of opportunities to kill and maim Nazis. But when they accidentally shoot a group of American paratroopers disguised as German soldiers, the Bastards decide to stand in and complete their compatriots' mission. And what a mission it is – steal a train carrying a V2 rocket.

If director Enzo G. Castellari is known for anything, it's action. And in The Inglorious Bastards, he outdoes himself. It's a testosterone injected ride from start to finish! Gun battles, explosions, vehicle wrecks, fights, falls off castle walls, motorcycle stunts – if it involves action, you'll find it here. Castellari somehow manages to keep the film well paced throughout. While the action does admittedly slow a tad in the second act, the film never bogs down and is always enjoyable. The Inglorious Bastards also features some really nice miniature work. The film's finale is especially memorable on that front. The cast is first rate. Fred "the Hammer" Williamson may be third billed, but he's the real star. Williamson's character is appropriately named Fred. Appropriate because he's pretty much playing himself – a cigar-chomping, one-line spewing, gun-toting badass. Surprising to me is that Bo Svenson is able to match Williamson scene for scene. I've never thought much of his other work that I've seen, but here, Svenson is very believable as the in control leader of the Bastards. The rest of the cast provide equally enjoyable performances. It's an excellent job by all involved.

While I can see why The Inglorious Bastards might not appeal to everyone, for me, it's a near perfect movie. I've seen some reviews nit-pick the lack of realism. Relax, this was never intended to be a documentary. It's about having a good time and enjoying yourself. Just go with it and quit being so uptight. As for those who complain about the dialogue or the editing, you're obviously not familiar with Euro movie making from the 60s and 70s. Again, just go with it. Like I said, it's almost perfect to me. In fact, I've got no problem at all rating The Inglorious Bastards a 9/10, verging on a 10/10.

So here's to 1,000 user comments. For those of you who have read and maybe even enjoyed some of what I've written, I say thanks. And look forward to more to come. On to 1,001!

9/10

Superdome (1978) (TV)

Charlie Jones, 23 March 2009

The championship game is only a couple of days away, but things in New Orleans aren't as they should be. From players with marital problems to drug overdoses to gambling problems to a killer on the loose, life is getting in the way of what should be a memorable, wonderful time. Can things be put back into order and a killer stopped before the big game is ruined?

Despite what you might think when you first read about Superdome, this is not a football movie. In fact football is nothing more than a plot device and an after thought. Instead, Superdome is another of those lousy soap opera-ish 70s made-for-TV movies populated with Hollywood has beens and those that never will be. The cast sleepwalks its way through the thing with no one really looking good. The best (or worst) example is Van Johnson in a very small role looking generally lost as to why he's there. The plot is dull, uninteresting, and unbelievable. Donna Mills as a hit"man"? Yeah, right! It's about as believable as the affair she has with the liquor soaked David Jansen. The movie also lacks any pace. Trying to get all four or five story lines into the film zaps whatever flow Superdome might have had. With no drama or suspense in sight, Superdome ends up being a very poor example of a 70s made-for-TV movie. The lone highlight for me was the voice-over work from the late Charlie Jones - a sportscaster I miss listening to. The eloquent way he overstates the intrigue and over-hypes the atmosphere in New Orleans is pure cheese at its finest.

Like most others who have seen Superdome, I also did so courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000. It may be one of the KTMA public access episodes, but it's one of the best examples of the shows early start. So even though I've only rated Superdome a 2/10, I'll give this episode a generous 3/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

2/10

Laserblast (1978)

How desperate was Roddy McDowall?, 30 November 2008

I honestly hate to rate anything a 1/10, but with Laserblast, I don't see any other choice. The movie is bad in every conceivable way. The special effects – bad. The acting – with a couple of exceptions, bad. The pace and direction – bad. The script – bad. Name anything that goes into the production of a movie and I'm sure I would tell you it's bad in Laserblast. And to top it all off, Laserblast is often quite dull. What a winning combination - bad production values in a boring movie!

The plot involves a deadly laser weapon left behind on Earth by a couple of extraterrestrials. A troubled young man named Billy (Kim Milford) finds the weapon and uses it to get even with those he feels have done him wrong. But the weapon has unexpected side effects as Billy is turned into a green-hued snarling monster.

I said there were a couple of exceptions when it came to the bad acting in Laserblast. I'm not sure how the producers were able to do it, but they actually were able to get a couple of recognizable names and faces to appear in their movie. Keenan Wynn and Roddy McDowall must have been desperate to appear in this stinker. McDowall, in particular, phones in his 5 minutes of screen time. Other cast members I recognized included Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith, Dennis Burkley, and Ron Masak. Laserblast also features the first screen appearance of that barometer of bad movies, Eddie Deezen. With a cast like that, I would have expected much better than this.

1/10

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1978)

"In the name of all the flocking blind cripples, I beseech you", 17 November 2008

I've seen a number of different film adaptations of The Hound of the Baskervilles, so I thought I might enjoy a spoof of this familiar story. Also, I've seen some of the other work Peter Cook and Dudley Moore did together and thought they might have a chance at success with such a project. My reaction, well if you've been on IMDb for any length of time, you've probably seen the well thought out response "It Sux" when someone is asked about their opinion on a given film. Well, "It Sux" pretty well sums up my feelings to the abomination that is The Hound of the Baskervilles. It is a complete waste of time and effort. I can't imagine how two talented individuals like Cook and Moore could have concocted such a disaster of a film. It's nothing short of a chore to sit through the thing. It's the complete opposite of funny. In addition to Cook and Moore, there's a good cast assembled including Joan Greenwood, Denholm Elliot, Hugh Griffith, and the usually entertaining Terry-Thomas. I actually started to feel embarrassed for these talented actors. What were they thinking? And where in the world did the scenes taken from The Exorcist come from? I don't remember any pea soup spitting in Doyle's original work.

I actually bought The Hound of the Baskervilles on DVD. I'm glad it only set me back $3, because the 2/10 I've rated the movie may actually be overstating things a bit.

2/10

The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries "Campus Terror" #2.22 (1978) (TV)

Where are the police?, 6 March 2008

Season 2 of The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries continues to disappoint with the season finale called Campus Terror. In this one, Joe is called by an old flame for help in solving the mystery of three girls who have disappeared from campus. Frank and Joe are on the case before you can say "missing coed". While it's not the worst of the season, it comes close. The stupidity on display is mind-boggling. For example, three girls have been kidnapped, yet there is still virtually no police presence on campus. On two separate occasions, girls scream for help. And who are the first people on the scene? If you guessed Frank and Joe Hardy, give yourself a prize. Where are the cops? Where's the security? People can still come and go at will. People are still able to enter and leave buildings without notice. And people are still able to hide in the shadows undetected. I realize that this is a fictional television show, but how about allowing a little reality into the situation. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

4/10

The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries "Mystery of the Avalanche Express" #2.19 (1978) (TV)

Lame, 6 March 2008

While I'm generally a fan of The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries, I'm not such a fan that I can't spot a bad episode. And it seems that in Season 2, there are a lot of bad episodes. Mystery of the Avalanche Express is one of the worst. To begin with, the plot it just ridiculous. War profiteers? Asylum seekers? That's not the kind of stuff I associate the Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew getting mixed up in. What happened to the haunted barns or the UFOs or the other cool mysteries? Neither the Hardys nor Nancy Drew do much of anything to solve a case or bring about a resolution to the situation. It's almost as if it's someone else's plot they just accidentally got involved in. For lack of a better word, Mystery of the Avalanche Express doesn't have the Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew "feel" to it.

Next, I never cared for Janet Julian taking over the role of Nancy Drew, but in this episode, she's absolutely terrible. She's got some of the most unnaturally delivery I've heard. And she just doesn't fit the part. She looks too young. Like the scene where she's announces she a private investigator - it reminded me of a child with an overactive imagination making things up.

Finally, when The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries originally aired, they were geared toward a young demographic. Can someone please explain to me the bizarre casting decision to hire the likes of Fabian, Edd Byrnes (complete with laughable accent), Deborah Walley, Vic Damone, and a bunch of other has-beens for this episode? I'm sure the kids in 1978 were beside themselves with the anticipation of seeing Tommy Sands! I can't remember, but I'm sure I was. It's so lame!

3/10

Enforcer from Death Row (1978)

Where in the World is Cameron Mitchell?, 27 February 2008

What was that? I've seen a lot of bad movies in my time, but Enforcer from Death Row ranks right up there with the absolute worst. I wasn't expecting the second coming of Citizen Kane or anything, but come on - this thing is barely watchable.

I would have probably never rented Enforcer from Death Row but for two things. First, the plot description I read on the Netflix website intrigued me. "T.L. Young (Leo Fong) sits imprisoned on death row, awaiting his date with the electric chair. But he's given a second chance when he's rescued by members of an international peacekeeping organization. In exchange for his life, however, Young is sent on a risky mission to stop a deadly group of criminals. This movie is jam-packed with action scenes featuring lethal ninjas, brutal tortures and thrilling car chases." Sounds kinda cool. Unfortunately, the people responsible for this abomination had no concept of how to make a movie. I could cite any number of atrocious problems with Enforcer from Death Row (like the bad acting or the weak special effects or the 75-watt bulb used to light the sets or the three Bunsen burners and test tube racks that made up the bacterial weapons lab or the laughable dubbing choices or the "thrilling" low-speed helicopter rescue or . . .), but I'll focus on the complete lack of continuity found in the movie. The most offensive example is a scene where a guy jumps off the roof of a building and miraculously lands in the ocean. And I don't mean right at the water's edge - he landed way out in at least 4 or more feet of water. How'd he do that? Moments later, he's on a road stopping a passing car. The overhead shot shows the car, the road, and some vividly green farmland. What happened to the ocean? What happened to the building? Was there something in the movie about teleportation I missed? It's just jaw-dropping ridiculous.

The second reason I took a chance on Enforcer from Death Row was Cameron Mitchell. As a rule, I'll watch anything with Cameron Mitchell at least once. Even when the movie's bad, he's usually entertaining. I had read from another review that Mitchell's time was limited to a couple of minutes at the most. Well, not in my version of movie. I sat for almost an hour and a half and no Cameron Mitchell. What the . . . ? How can you put Mitchell's name in the credits and not deliver? What a rip!

My best advice is to stay as far away from this turkey as you can. Even if you find a copy that includes Cameron Mitchell, it's still not worth it.

1/10

Halloween (1978)

"I met him, fifteen years ago.", 30 September 2007

The plot of Halloween is so simple and so well known that I hardly see much point in revisiting it here. What person with even a passing interest in horror does not know who Michael Myers is and his story? He is one of the true iconic characters is recent horror history. And who with even the slightest interest in either John Carpenter or Jamie Lee Curtis isn't aware of what Halloween meant to their careers? And finally, while it may not have been the first movie of its kind or even the first to churn out a sequel, there's little debate about Halloween's influence on horror for more than a decade. For an independently made movie with a shoe-string budget, Halloween is quite the remarkable movie.

Halloween works because John Carpenter was smart enough to realize something that most of the imitators fail to realize. That is, for a horror movie to be effective, it's not about the kill scenes - it's about the moments leading up to the murder. It's about creating atmosphere and tension rather than a geek show filled with blood and gore. Carpenter shows us Michael lurking in the shadows just waiting to strike, but he doesn't go into detail on what happens when Michael kills. It's a simple concept and I'm continually amazed that more filmmakers don't get it. Thank goodness Carpenter got it!

9/10

Starcrash (1978)

"Halt the flow of time!", 19 July 2007

Writing any sort of review on Starcrash is difficult. The plot is hardly worth rehashing as it's little more than a mish-mash of ideas taken (i.e. stolen) from other movies. Writing about the poor technical aspects of the movie is like shooting fish in a barrel – not much of a challenge. And it would be a waste of time to discuss the bad special effects – why restate the obvious? It's one of those movies that must be seen to be believed. Also, coming up with a rating for Starcrash is equally difficult. Starcrash is just plain old bad. But it's the kind of bad that's cheesy, campy, and, ultimately, entertaining for those who enjoy wallowing in such things. Bad? – Yes. Entertaining? – Definitely.

Instead of a regular review, I've decided to make a list of the things I took away from my experience with Starcrash:

1. Starcrash is in no way a Star Wars rip-off. It's a Star Wars / Jason and the Argonauts / Barbarella rip-off.

2. When going into battle, exploring unknown worlds, or doing any other physically demanding activity, be smart and dress appropriately. Thigh-high stiletto boots and a leather bikini appear to be the outfit of choice.

3. Maybe it has something to do with life support, but heavy eye make-up and hairspray appear to be essential for survival on distant planets.

4. Explosions in space are almost identical to what you might see at a July 4 fireworks display.

5. Christopher Plummer can deliver the most ridiculous, idiotic dialogue as if it were Shakespeare.

6. If you take a bunch of ordinary household items and stick them together just right, you to can create a real starship.

7. Lava lamps can be dangerous when they go on a rampage.

8. Apparently, you can break a window out of a space ship with no worries.

9. Marjoe?

10. Man - Hasselhoff had one helluva girlish bouffant.

7/10

Charlie's Angels "Angels in Springtime" #3.4 (1978) (TV)

One of my least favorite episodes, 14 July 2006

In something I recently wrote for the Charlie's Angels episode called Angels in Vegas, I said that the show is "70s television in all its glory. It's cheesy, unrealistic, and a whole lot of fun. If you're going to enjoy this stuff, you simply cannot take it seriously." Angels in Springtime pushes the limits of my statement. I hate to sound like I'm contradicting myself, but the episode titled Angels in Springtime is a little too cheesy and a little too unrealistic. Sure, it was fun watching the Angels go up against Nancy Parsons and Mercedes McCambridge, but that's about it. The plot is even more obvious than normal for a Charlie's Angels episode. The fight scenes are overly staged and it's far too obvious that stunt people are involved. There's no mystery and no suspense – not even the cheesy 70s variety. And, the scene near the ending has to be the stupidest, lamest idea ever. Kris has been kidnapped and is about to be put to death. But these criminals don't use a gun, a knife, an explosive device, an egg beater, or even a dead fish. Instead, they're using the most shocking, devious murder weapon ever devised – hot bath towels! Huh? Wait a minute! Did I miss something? I've seen a lot of murder weapons used in television shows and movies, but warm, wet bath towels are new one on me. Oh the pain! The agony! To be forced to lay under three (that's right, three – not just one) damp towels – I'm shocked she was able to pull through.

4/10

Charlie's Angels "Angels in Vegas" #3.1 (1978) (TV)

70s television in all its glory, 11 July 2006

Season 3 of Charlie's Angels gets off to a bang as the Angels head to Vegas for a double episode with guest star Dean Martin. Watching Deano walk through a casino with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other isn't much of a stretch. Martin is a casino owner who has seen a number of unfortunate events around him. Most recently, one of the women working in his casino was killed. The Angels are hired to find out what's behind the series of "accidents" and put a stop to them. Once there, they find no shortage of suspects and it becomes quite obvious that someone doesn't want them to complete their investigation.

Yeah, Angels in Vegas is 70s television in all its glory. It's cheesy, unrealistic, and a whole lot of fun. If you're going to enjoy this stuff, you simply cannot take it seriously. And I think that's why it appeals to me. When I watch TV today, everything is so realistic and so serious. Murder scenes are graphic and investigators barely crack a smile. The world is tough enough without bringing it into my living room every night. I want to be entertained. I want escapism. I want to have a good time. And that's just what a show like Charlie's Angels does for me. Angels in Vegas may not be the best episode in the series, but I had a good time with it. It's the kind of television I miss.

6/10

Convoy Busters (1978)

Massi and Merli team-up for a fun, action packed ride, 11 July 2006

If you're a fan of the Italian polizia thriller, the names Stelvio Massi and Maurizio Merli should be familiar. The pair, whether together or individually, are responsible for some of the best this genre has to offer. They teamed-up to make 1978's Convoy Busters and, for the most part, came up with a winner. The action is almost non-stop. It's a violent, sometimes bloody ride full of chase scenes and gun battles. And the pace rarely lets up. There are few directors who did action as well as Massi. He shows his mastery of action in several set-pieces in Convoy Busters with the chase scene involving the helicopter being among the best I've seen. The final slow-motion shoot out is a thing of beauty. As for Merli, when he's not busy posing for the camera (which he has a tendency to do too often), he was a good action star. He's big and physical enough to effectively and believably pull of the role. And, unless I'm terribly mistaken, he did a lot of his own stunts.

Watching Convoy Busters is like watching two movies in one. The plot is neatly split into halves with neither having much to do with the other. In the first half, Merli is a police officer stationed in Rome. He grows increasingly tired of the violence he faces on a daily basis. He's working on a case involving a well-connected smuggler. But because of bureaucracy and leaks within the police department, his quarry gets away. Frustrated with the experience, he asks for a transfer to a small sea side town where things are much quieter. Enter the second half of the movie. In his new environment, the most dangerous thing Merli faces is the boredom of a town where nothing seems to happen. That is until Merli uncovers a smuggling operation in his new quiet hometown. He's soon thrust back into the violence he sought to escape.

But it's this plot structure that I found to be the weakest element in Convoy Busters. The first half of the movie ends with the bad guy boarding a plane and heading off to Geneva. Unfortunately, he's never mentioned again. This plot thread is never satisfactorily resolved. I would have liked it had Merli met up with him again at some point in the movie. After making an emotional investment of time, I expected a payoff.

7/10

Vampire Hookers (1978)

"You've been talking for 136 years.", 21 June 2006

And to think that I've always felt sorry for some of the trash Boris Karloff was reduced to appearing in late in his career. But this thing that John Carradine made late in his career makes Karloff's Snake People look like Citizen Kane. It's embarrassing. Carradine is some sort of Shakespeare spouting vampire who uses a trio of vampire babes to help him lure his victims. It's supposed to be some sort of horror/comedy, but it's neither scary nor funny. The obviously plastic-toothed vampires in Vampire Hookers couldn't scare a three year old. And unless your idea of humor involves an overweight vampire who has a problem with gas, you won't find anything to laugh at. Oh, I suppose there are moments that are so bad they're almost funny, but the intentional attempts at comedy are utterly ridiculous. I'm being more than generous by giving this one an extra point on its rating for these moments of unintentional humor.

2/10

Fatal Charm (1978)

- Poliziotto senza paura
I can't believe I'm saying this, but more Joan would have also been a plus for the film., 23 April 2006

Maurizio Merli plays a small-time private detective hired to find a missing girl. His hunt leads him to Austria and the case of a dead girl that he's sure is connected to the girl he's looking for. He learns that the girls were involved with a gang dealing in child prostitution. Merli has to get act fast if he's to save the life of the girl he's looking for.

The more I see of Maurizio Merli, the more I enjoy his performances. After my first experiences with him, I saw Merli as little more than a pretty-boy, Franco Nero wannabe. But recently, I've begun to see he's got a lot to offer of his own. He's as good in the action scenes as Nero and probably better at the more comedic moments. He shows both in Fatal Charm. Whether it's taking out the bad guys or pulling a scam on the local police, he's got real screen presence and a definite charm.

Fatal Charm (aka Fearless, aka Poliziotto senza paura, aka Magnum Cop) could have been so much better had the plot not been so muddled and confusing. Part of it may be due to the dubbing, but the film definitely goes off in tangents that would have been best left alone. It seems to take forever for Merli to get to the bottom of things. For example, there's a whole series of scenes with Merli playing up his operations to an Austrian detective. It's pointless and doesn't really work. A tighter script would have served Fatal Charm well.

My copy of Fatal Charm gives top billing to Joan Collins. And while her scenes are memorable (she gets naked for God's sake), she only has about 15 minutes of screen time. I can't believe I'm saying this, but more Joan would have also been a plus for the film.

5/10

The Comeback (1978)

Certainly not Walker's best, but still very enjoyable, 24 March 2006

It has taken me a while to become a Pete Walker fan, but you can officially include me in the club. The Comeback may be one of his weakest films that I've thus far seen, but it's still a solid little thriller with a few great moments along the way. For example, Walker handles the first murder scene quite well. The murderer comes out of nowhere to commit an incredibly brutal and violent act against his victim. Walker is able to catch a real sense of malice and hatred on the part of the killer – something quite nice when compared with the usual unemotional serial killer. Another real plus for The Comeback is the presence of Walker regular Shelia Keith. She may not have as much to do here as in something like House of Whipcord or Frightmare, but she's incredible in the scenes she does have. The woman could chew scenery with the best of them. She has an air about her that works in Walker's films. The creepy old house, the elevator scenes, and Walker's use of red herrings are also among my favorite bits of the movie.

But, as my rating would indicate, it's not all good. My biggest problem is the casting of Jack Jones in the lead. He's dull and unappealing. He can't carry most of the scenes he appears in let alone the entire movie. During the film, I began to dub him "The Anti-Shelia Keith" as he lacks anything approaching the screen presence of scene-stealing Keith. My other big problem is with David Doyle as Jones' manager. As is evident even in his performances on Charlie's Angels, Doyle cannot play "serious" believably at all. He comes across as far too goofy to add the required gravity to a given scene. He's just bad.

If you're a fan of Pete Walker and enjoy his work with Shelia Keith, you should be able to find something enjoyable in The Comeback. If you're new to Walker, I would suggest starting with another of his films.

6/10

The Swarm (1978)

Michael "Paycheck" Caine strikes again!, 6 February 2006

As a point of reference, I don't rate every other movie I see a 1/10. Of the 1,005 movies I've bothered to rate over the past few years, I've only given 20 of them a 1/10. It takes a "special" movie can join the ranks of Prime Evil, The Creeping Terror, and Curse of the Swamp Creature. The Swarm is one of those "special" movies. Watching The Swarm is something of an endurance test. At one point, I felt like I had been sitting and watching for days. I checked the counter and discovered I had only seen 76 minutes – I still had another 80 minutes left to go.

So what went wrong? In a word - everything. As I've already indicated, The Swarm is dull and tedious. If I'm ever forced to watch this movie again, I can only hope it's the 116 minute version and not the 156 minute director's cut. In addition, the characters do and say the most unrealistic things. Take the movies supposed hero played by Michael Caine and the General played by Richard Widmark. Every conversation these two have is full of absolute nonsense and done in volumes usually reserved for football games. The fact that these two NEVER attempt to work together to accomplish anything is ridiculous. Or, take the fact that Caine's character, who has been appointed by the White House to head up the operation, spends more time tracking down a 10 year-old runaway than he does finding a solution to the bee problem. Unrealistic. The Swarm also features a couple of the most inane love story subplots I've seen. The first features Caine and Katharine Ross who never seem to get beyond admitting they "like" each other. How old are these people? 12? The second is the senior citizen love triangle that goes nowhere and has no real purpose. It's like watching a bad episode of "The Love Boat". Finally, some of the acting is downright atrocious. Caine and Ross are good actors when given decent material. But in The Swarm, Caine appears to be in it solely for the paycheck and Ross acts as if she realizes how bad it is and just wants out.

Picking the negatives out of The Swarm is like shooting fish in a barrel – it's impossible to miss. And I haven't even discussed the plot – killer African bees threaten the Southwest. Not a bad idea, but the execution in The Swarm is the worst.

1/10

The Bermuda Triangle (1978)

What's John Huston doing in this movie?, 25 November 2005

It's official - I can't seem to get enough of Rene Cardona, Jr.'s brand of movie-making. When I got my hands on The Bermuda Triangle, I was expecting the usual stuff – planes and ships disappearing at sea, unknown lights, and the ocean changing colors. While The Bermuda Triangle gives you all this, Cardona has stuffed the movie with so much more including: a possessed doll, a girl who talks to dead people, sharks, underwater earthquakes, parrot attacks, hurricanes, and more. None of it is fleshed-out very well, but boy is it fun.

Please don't misunderstand – The Bermuda Triangle isn't really a very good movie. The acting is bad, the dubbing is horrible (people in normal conversation often have the same tone in their voice usually reserved for a radio announcer), the special effects are weak, and the story is often predictable. To top it off, Cardona feels the need as he does in some of his other movies to show sharks being slaughtered. But none of this kept me from having a good time with The Bermuda Triangle.

5/10

Death on the Nile (1978)

"Oh! Never have I seen such a reptile in a first class cabin!", 19 November 2005

Growing up, I was a huge fan of Agatha Christie's books. I would read and reread everyone I could get my hands on. I remember being terribly excited when Death on the Nile was released in 1978. The movie quickly became a favorite of mine that I've watched literally hundreds of times over the years without ever growing tired of it. I still find new things to enjoy with each viewing. The movie has lost none of its entertainment value on me. For me, there are two areas where Death on the Nile really excels – Christie's story and the acting.

Death on the Nile follows the basic plot structure Christie used over and over – a group of people is isolated on a boat, train, old house, island, etc. A murder soon follows that only one of these people could have committed. Everyone is a suspect. Each character has a motive and the opportunity to have committed the murder. Death on the Nile is one of the best examples of this plot structure that Christie wrote. Unlike other mysteries, Death on the Nile does not cheat. There are no characters introduced in the last minute and there are not vital clues that the detective discovers just before revealing the murderer. It's played straight. Everything that Christie's detective Poirot knows, the viewer also knows. It's just that most of us would never put the clues together in the same manner Poirot does.

As for the acting, Death on the Nile features a wonderful cast. While my personal favorites are Maggie Smith, Angela Lansbury, and Bette Davis, everyone in the cast gives a terrific performance. It may be something as simple as the look Davis gives when some Egyptian children "moon" her from the shore or it may be something as elaborate as Lansbury's over-the-top portrayal of the over-sexed writer, each character is played to perfection. In short, the acting is first rate.

Two complaints I've read across the internet involve the perceived padding of the script and characters that aren't well rounded. The padding argument usually concerns shot after shot of Egyptian locations without much happening. Maybe it's just me, but I enjoy the scenery. Plus, I am usually having such a good time with the film that I don't want any of it to rush by. As for the characters, while it is a valid argument, I understand that it's the way Christie wrote. Most of her characters were simply there to be suspects. The rest of their lives didn't matter. I must confess that I too would have liked to see a little more dimension and depth added to some of these fascinating people. It's my only complaint.

9/10

Cyclone (1978)

Not as much fun as the other Cardona movies I've seen, 24 September 2005

Cyclone's plot features a group of people stranded at sea after a cyclone rolls through leaving them with little water or food. The movie examines the lengths these people will go through to survive. I have now seen three films directed by Rene Cardona, Jr. and Cyclone is easily my least favorite. While it has its moments of weirdness, overall it is neither as sleazy as Tintorera nor as bizarre as The Treasure of the Amazon. For the most part, it's just plain dull and nowhere near as fun as the other two Cardona movies I mentioned. Add to that some bad acting, bad special effects, bad gore, and a bad script and you've got the makings for a bad movie.

Animal lovers beware. Cyclone features one scene in particular that is as cruel a scene as I've ever seen. I realize that the animal probably wasn't hurt, but I found it repulsive nonetheless.

3/10

The Cat and the Canary (1978)

What would you do for a fortune?, 3 July 2005

A will is read in a big, old, dark house. The beneficiary can only claim the inheritance if she survives the night. Otherwise, the fortune goes to a secondary beneficiary who will only be named should the first beneficiary die. Anyone could be that secondary beneficiary - and someone is willing to kill to find out who it is.

The house is wonderful - lots of rooms and secret passages. I love a house with a sliding bookcase and that's exactly what you get here. The house creates a perfect setting for a murder mystery. Surprisingly, there is some pretty good atmosphere.

Much of the movie is meant to be a comedy and that's where The Cat and the Canary falters. Had it been played straight, it might have been more enjoyable.

The movie was directed by Radley Metzger. The fact that a porn director was able assemble a cast including Edward Fox, Olivia Hussey, Honor Blackman, and the wonderful Wendy Hiller is amazing. The fact that he was able to pull the whole thing off as well as he did is a miracle.

6/10