Starcrash (1978)

"Halt the flow of time!", 19 July 2007

Writing any sort of review on Starcrash is difficult. The plot is hardly worth rehashing as it's little more than a mish-mash of ideas taken (i.e. stolen) from other movies. Writing about the poor technical aspects of the movie is like shooting fish in a barrel – not much of a challenge. And it would be a waste of time to discuss the bad special effects – why restate the obvious? It's one of those movies that must be seen to be believed. Also, coming up with a rating for Starcrash is equally difficult. Starcrash is just plain old bad. But it's the kind of bad that's cheesy, campy, and, ultimately, entertaining for those who enjoy wallowing in such things. Bad? – Yes. Entertaining? – Definitely.

Instead of a regular review, I've decided to make a list of the things I took away from my experience with Starcrash:

1. Starcrash is in no way a Star Wars rip-off. It's a Star Wars / Jason and the Argonauts / Barbarella rip-off.

2. When going into battle, exploring unknown worlds, or doing any other physically demanding activity, be smart and dress appropriately. Thigh-high stiletto boots and a leather bikini appear to be the outfit of choice.

3. Maybe it has something to do with life support, but heavy eye make-up and hairspray appear to be essential for survival on distant planets.

4. Explosions in space are almost identical to what you might see at a July 4 fireworks display.

5. Christopher Plummer can deliver the most ridiculous, idiotic dialogue as if it were Shakespeare.

6. If you take a bunch of ordinary household items and stick them together just right, you to can create a real starship.

7. Lava lamps can be dangerous when they go on a rampage.

8. Apparently, you can break a window out of a space ship with no worries.

9. Marjoe?

10. Man - Hasselhoff had one helluva girlish bouffant.

7/10