Van Helsing (2004)

I can't believe some people actually like this stuff, 30 August 2005

Renowned monster hunter Van Helsing is sent to Transylvania to deal with Dracula and his vampire minions. The Catholic Church is worried about protecting its Eastern flank from the spread of evil. But Van Helsing has never faced a creature quite like Dracula. And Dracula proves to be only one of his worries. Van Helsing must also take care of Dracula's vampire brides, a werewolf, and Frankenstein's monster.

What Works:

- Kate Beckinsale. Is there any need to explain why?

What Doesn't Work:

- The Monsters. I'm sure that James Whale is spinning in his grave.

- Hugh Jackman. Can anyone be more dull and lifeless? I really wish the movie hadn't been called Van Helsing because then there might have been a chance his character would die.

- Everything Else. There are so many things wrong with the movie that I really don't know where to begin. I suppose I'll start with the incredible overuse of CGI. Nothing in this movie looks real. As a result, people, animals, and objects all behave in a manner that seems completely inconsistent with any known laws of physics (or at least my very rudimentary understanding of physics). For example, a person simply cannot fall from the heights that the people in Van Helsing do without either becoming severely injured or dying. It's not possible. Yet Van Helsing would have the viewer believe that a person can drop from the height of a two-story building over and over without so much as a scratch. I don't even remember anyone getting their hair messed up – unlike much of this movie.

I want to take this opportunity to apologize to the people who made Freddy vs. Jason. I recently criticized it for being without any redeeming value. Van Helsing is exponentially more ridiculous than Freddy vs. Jason. Why do I keep subjecting myself to this stuff?

2/10