Fire Maidens of Outer Space (1956)

I didn't think it was possible to make a movie entirely out of padding, 1 June 2007

What a cheap, lazy, and completely dull movie. I didn't think it was possible to make a movie entirely out of padding, but Cy Roth seems to have given it the old college try with Fire Maidens from Outer Space. It's got more padding than Joan Crawford's shoulders. What few moments of plot that actually manage to peak through the filler involve a group of astronauts on their way to the 13th moon of Jupiter. Once there, they run into the last of the descendants of Atlantis (don't ask!), fall in love, and try to get off the planet. Will they succeed? It hardly matters as you most likely won't be awake to find out the answer.

Early on, it's pretty easy to see just how miserable Fire Maidens from Outer Space is going to be. There are a lot of examples I could cite, but there's one moment that I'm particularly fond of (fond is probably too strong of a word when discussing anything related to this movie). The captain (And we know he's the captain because (a) he's the one controlling the two shifter things that fly the ship and (b) he's wearing the same old ratty captain's hat that seems to have been standard issue in movies from the 1940s and 1950s. A hat like that is fine if you're taking a group of scientists up the Nile in search of some strange creature, but it's out of place on an interplanetary journey.) lands the painfully unexciting set that doubles as the interior of the rocket and the crew celebrates this achievement by whipping out large quantities of cigarettes. Once this merry band of misfits has finished off a carton of butts, they're ready to make their way out of the ship to explore this new, unknown world. But the movie is far too cheap for anything that remotely looks like space gear. The 13th moon conveniently has an atmosphere similar to earth. Therefore, the only thing our group of explorers need do is remove their white cotton coveralls . . . errr spacesuits . . . to reveal freshly pressed khaki outfits complete with matching holsters. Yes, that's right, the only equipment our "scientists" see fit to take with them (and the only equipment this low-rent movie could afford) on their explorations are five, rather large, revolvers. At this point I actually had to stop the movie and laugh for a few seconds at the absurdity of what I'd just witnessed. Call me crazy but I just can't envision Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin touching down on the moon and firing up a few Chesterfield's while strapping on their six-shooters.

From here on out, things only get worse. The rest of Fire Maidens from Outer Space is made up of smoking, standing around, mind-numbingly dull interpretive dances, and more smoking. Like I said – it's cheap, lazy, and completely dull.

2/10