Horrors of Spider Island (1960)

- Ein Toter hing im Netz
"Stop that bawling, you're driving us all nuts!", 19 August 2007

Horrors of Spider Island is about as cheap and schlocky as a movie can get. The movie is about a group of Euro-broads and their manager, Gary. The group of strippers . . . err, I mean dancers . . . is headed to Singapore for some unknown reason - must have been a shortage of bad dancers in Southeast Asia. On the way, their plane miraculously turns into a stock footage WWII era bomber, catches fire, and plummets at full speed into the ocean. Even more miraculous, none of the dancers (or Gary) has so much as a scratch. After floating around in a life raft for a few days, they spot an island. In one of the movies many ridiculous moments (wait a minute, the whole thing is ridiculous), after reaching shore, Gary carries the woman one at a time to safety. The women seem incapable of movement until Gary announces he's found water. The girls are immediately on their feet and in herd fashion with lots of overdubbed "oohs" and "aahs" and other such random murmurings, the girls race to the water. Feeling refreshed, they begin their exploration of the island and stumble upon a cabin. Inside, they find the dead body of a Prof. Green caught in an incredibly large spider web. The girls run in fear as the beefy Gary removes the body. Without a second thought, the girls move in as if nothing ever happened. I guess it never occurred to any of these Einsteins that there must be a giant spider to go with that giant spider web.

The inevitable occurs and the group of tired, hot Euro-babes start to get on each others nerves. Before you can say "Catfight", two of the girls are at each others throats. To cool off, the girls decide to strip down and sleep on the cabin's porch. Gary goes for a walk to "clear his head" and is never seen again. Gary has run into the giant spider (really it's more of a spider-muppet with crab legs and monkey hands) that no one seemed to be overly concerned with. Gary is bitten and instantly turns into some sort of poorly made-up were-spider. Half man, half spider – Gary now stalks the girls from a safe distance. He does, however, somehow manage to get hold of one of the girls and strangle her to death. Other than that, Gary pretty much remains in the background until the movie's final reel.

About to run out of food and other supplies, things are looking desperate for the girls. Survivalists they ain't! As luck would have it, two guys show up with fresh supplies for the professor. The girls are so excited they're about to be saved (but probably not as excited as the two guys who have just discovered an island full of strippers . . . oops, did it again . . . I mean dancers) that they forget all about their missing manager or their dead friend or anything else and decide to throw a bikini dance party. Makes perfect sense to me!

So, what happens next? What about the dance party? Are the girls saved? Do they ever make it to dancer-starved Singapore? I can't possibly answer those questions without giving away the movie's thrilling climax. You'll just have to watch it and find out for yourself. But consider yourself warned – as I said in the opening, Horrors of Spider Island is about as cheap and schlocky as a movie can get. Poor acting, poor special effects, no plot to speak of, abysmal production values, the worst dubbing imaginable, and stock footage at every turn. It's one bad movie! But, I must add that Horrors of Spider Island isn't so bad that there aren't a few entertaining moments. Granted, most are of the unintentionally hilarious variety, but they're there just the same. If you've got a sense of humor about these things, Horrors of Spider Island is a gold mine of movie cheese.

3/10